he says he’s not doin college now 😩 help

[TiredButTryin5x]

sooo ds (15) just told me out the blue this mornin he’s not doin college now 😩 just said “it’s long n i’m just gonna chill for a bit” like it’s nothing?? his gcses only just finished n he’s barely been out his room since. just xbox n energy drinks n sleepin til 2.

i don’t even know if they’re allowed to not go? someone said before they gotta be in education or whatever til 18?? is that true?? i feel stupid not knowin this stuff but i didn’t even finish school myself n no one tells you what you’re meant to do.

he had a thing open at new city college but never finished the form. i thought it was all sorted but turns out he didn’t do it. he just shrugs at me like it don’t matter.

honestly i’m panickin a bit cos i don’t want him just sittin in his room for 3 years doin nothin. but i don’t know who to talk to or what to say to him that he’ll listen to. feel like he just sees me as background noise at this point 😔

any advice welcome pls x

OP you deserve a lot of credit for waking up and taking this seriously. Keep going!!

It’s good that you’ve made a start.

(And it’s amazing how including the ‘g’ at the end of words that require one makes an entire post, and the person writing it, seem calmer.)

Two things:

Your bullet point list is great - now you need to encourage the 15 year old to adopt a way of planning and recording his progress. Some people use spreadsheets - others prefer a handwritten notebook. Either way, ensure he has what he needs.

Secondly, does he have any holiday occupations outside his bedroom? Does he play in a football team (or just with friends), or run, or lift weights? I guess if he were in a choir or involved in school theatre you’d have mentioned it by now. Maybe he volunteers somewhere? My point is that he needs something regular and important and fun going on in his life that connects him to wider groups.

For one thing it’s part of how people learn - about the world and how to be in it. For another, those more or less casual contacts build a network of people who know more than we each do individually - and it’s the sharing of knowledge that helps people move through life with a tiny bit of confidence and optimism.

I'm impressed that you've not frozen or hidden from the replies on here, instead you've written to-do lists and made a plan. That's fantastic! I get the freeze-or-hide thing too, part of my adhd I believe, and it can be difficult to change how you react.

The most important thing is that you've started a conversation with your DS and he seems to be listening. This doesn't have to be solved today, but you've started and have a goal of September for your DS to make a decision. Also setting the boundaries around nighttime gaming is very positive as your DS will sleep better, and not keep you awake!

Well done @TiredButTryin5x I'm impressed with the start you've made.

How did DS manage without his X Box last night?

@TiredButTryin5x brilliant to hear you've made a start.
Well done 🙂

I'm glad you've made a start. Make sure you keep pushing. Reach out to everywhere you can.

That’s really positive, well done!

@TiredButTryin5x
I just wanted to say how brave you are for taking all the feedback on board and making a start.
Little and often always helps me..keep chugging at it.
You got this!
Xx

That’s a great start OP well done. Are you also asking about options for resitting maths and English? Many colleges will limit what courses you can study while resitting so it’s worth bearing this in mind.

Great start OP!

do you have a partner? If not, make sure you have childcare set up for gcse results day (Thursday 21st August) and the following day (Friday 22nd August). You need to go with your DS. Most schools will have their careers team in school to help with any applications that need doing. (There’s always some kids who needed particular grades for a course they want to do but not got them and need help to sort out doing else.)

Colleges who say now they are full might have students who decide to go elsewhere turn down places on results day, so spaces come available, being able to take DS to the colleges /schools would be helpful.

@TiredButTryin5x Sorry if I've missed it, but how many weeks pregnant are you? When you have your baby, please go to the 6 week appointment and get contraception (many something like an IUS or implant) so you don't have to worry about remembering to take a pill. Also about the letter about your DS's behaviour and possible neurodevelopmental conditions - was that for your 16 year old or one of your younger sons? Anyways you need to go back to the school either on results day or in the summer and ask for the letter again (email head of year or something like an SAR request). Ask them for a meeting about it? See what they suggest, educational psychologist assesment etc. It's important. Finally if you think you need more support then you need to ask for it, go to the GP or better yet local council ask for a support worker from like Family Solutions maybe? It's not SS as such but they do offer help to families struggling with more low-level issues. You know you haven't been great but now you need to be better for all your children and your baby as well. Talk to the midwives at your next appointment about perinatal mental health or neurodiversity - see what help they can give you.

Please stop having children OP if you can’t even understand the basics of education

The letter is regarding a younger child not the one awaiting his results.

thanks all of you who’ve stuck with me on this.

i rang one of the colleges today - the one he half-applied for - and they are open. woman on the phone was lovely. she said loads of kids do exactly what DS did, start an application and then disappear. she said we’re not too late, not ideal, but definitely not too late. she told me to get him to finish the form online and then they’ll call to arrange a chat/interview.

he rolled his eyes when i told him but didn’t argue. we’ll sit down over the weekend and do it together. i just want him somewhere in september, doesn’t have to be perfect, just a first step.

school didn’t answer - office closed already - but i left a message and i’ll try again monday. i’m hoping to speak to someone properly on results day. even if he doesn’t go back there, maybe they can still help him.

i’ll update again after the weekend. trying not to lose momentum. x

The OP (as far as I understand things from all her recent threads) does not have a partner as such. The children’s father(s) is/are absent. Her boyfriend - the father of her unborn child - is non-resident and plays no supportive role in her life.

She has said on a previous thread that she cannot afford childcare, so it’s possible she may have to take all the children with her to school on GCSE results day.

Her oldest son, the one awaiting GCSE results, and in need of a college place, is still 15. He won’t be 16 until August.

OP you say ‘even if he doesn’t go back there’…. Does his current school have sixth form provision?

That’s fantastic news, @TiredButTryin5x! Some hope at last. And I genuinely think if your son actually speaks to the college people he’ll start to feel more positive about it all.

Please keep pushing on. Even if he rolls his eyes he will secretly be impressed with the effort you’re making.

Ok OP, is there any family or friends who could look after the other dcs on results day?

The school has a duty to support KS5 transition to your DS even if he doesn’t sign up to their 6th form, they should still offer careers support until he’s confirmed at a different college/school/in work.

How condescending

This but on addition limit his gaming time. Would he be interested in a coding or internet security course?

@TiredButTryin5x Sounds like some progress. Hopefully he can see that you're putting in effort to sort this and he'll also step up in response.

I know it might sound horrible, but if he were having to share with a sibling in one of the other bedrooms then maybe he'd have more incentive to get his act together. Plus if you're in the box room then he could have access to the living area for shared Xbox and you'd have your own space to nest.

Alarming that you think he’s just going to sit in his room for 3 years doing nothing till he turns 18. That will be him for life

morning all and thank you, i’ve read everything and i know i’ve got a long way to go - but it does help hearing some of you say i’ve made a start. i’m trying not to fall into old patterns and freeze again.

he managed without xbox last night - wasn’t happy, but i told him if he wanted to be treated more grown up then he had to act it, and being online all night shouting at his mates wasn’t it. he ended up watching something on netflix and i heard him snoring before midnight so that’s something.

he doesn’t do anything regular outside the house right now. he used to play football with some mates but drifted from them. i asked him last night if he wanted to try the local gym - he said maybe but i’ll have to push him. it’s something though.

i didn’t realise some colleges limit your course options if you’re resitting maths/english - that’s something i’ll ask about next week. i’ve also written down the GCSE results day dates now - thank you to whoever posted those. i’ll try sort something with my sister so i can go in person.

and yes i’ll speak to the midwife about perinatal mental health next time. and i’ve not forgotten the letter from the school either - it was about my younger one, not the 15yo. i’ll chase that up too.

also, DS turns 16 on GCSE results day. same date. not sure yet if that makes things easier or harder but feels like it matters somehow.

thanks again. i’m not perfect but i’m trying to do better. x

Tell him if he isn’t in colleague then he needs to get a job.

the colleges might limit courses if you are resitting English and maths, but the good news is the government funds 3 years at KS5. As your DS is an August birthday, if he does one year resitting plus a course he’s not overly interested in, he could switch courses at the end of next year and then start a 2 year course he’s prefers, finishing the same time as kids born in the September a few weeks after him. Getting him into college to get those GCSE’s as passes is the priority for this year.