he says he’s not doin college now 😩 help

[TiredButTryin5x]

sooo ds (15) just told me out the blue this mornin he’s not doin college now 😩 just said “it’s long n i’m just gonna chill for a bit” like it’s nothing?? his gcses only just finished n he’s barely been out his room since. just xbox n energy drinks n sleepin til 2.

i don’t even know if they’re allowed to not go? someone said before they gotta be in education or whatever til 18?? is that true?? i feel stupid not knowin this stuff but i didn’t even finish school myself n no one tells you what you’re meant to do.

he had a thing open at new city college but never finished the form. i thought it was all sorted but turns out he didn’t do it. he just shrugs at me like it don’t matter.

honestly i’m panickin a bit cos i don’t want him just sittin in his room for 3 years doin nothin. but i don’t know who to talk to or what to say to him that he’ll listen to. feel like he just sees me as background noise at this point 😔

any advice welcome pls x

yes i emailed, and yes i know the school’s prob shut now. i left it late. that’s on me. i’ve said that more than once already. i will ring tomorrow like i said in my last post. and i’m gonna keep tryin even if it’s late, cos it’s better than givin up.

some of the things bein said on here are harsh beyond belief. like - i get that people are angry or frustrated but i’m human. i’m not some cartoon villain sat around destroyin my kids’ futures for a laugh. i’ve made mistakes. i’ve owned them. but if u think it’s helpful to say i don’t love my kids, then u’ve not read properly. i’m here cos i do love them. that’s why i keep postin even when i’m gettin ripped to bits.

ds is still a kid, yeah. i know that. i haven’t “thrown him out” ffs. i said he needs to pick a direction by september - college, work, apprentice, something. that doesn’t mean i’m leavin him out on the street if he doesn’t. it means i’m not gonna sit back while he sleeps all day, screams xbox all night and ignores life. he needs a reason to get up. that’s what i meant.

someone asked if social services are involved. not right now but maybe they should be. i don’t want to mess this up any more. maybe i do need help. i’ve never had proper support, and yes maybe i should’ve asked earlier but i didn’t know how. i don’t have family to lean on. i don’t have that safety net.

to the poster who said they recognised the brain freeze stuff - thank u. honestly. just bein seen like that means more than u prob realise.

i’m gonna look at the Youth Unity thing tonight. i’ve written down names people said, got a note on my phone now of things to check. it’s not everything done, but it’s something. i’m not sittin on my hands. i’m just goin slow cos it’s all a bit much right now.

i’ll post back when i get somewhere with the calls.

x

Fair play to you @TiredButTryin5x
It takes courage to read some of the replies to your threads and to come back and respond the way you have.

Good luck. I think you’ve been quite brave posting on here and you’ve had a really hard time but still come back.
I used to work at our local college, you can usually apply online and they will call you for interview so he could do that tomorrow.
He is young, I think you said 16 next month? And by my working out, you had him quite young. But he clearly is reasonably responsible if you can leave him to babysit. Can he cook? Does he cook for the kids when he looks after them? There are usually lots of catering apprenticeships. My son didn’t attend school for a few years so only had two GCSE’s. He was taken on by a local hotel as an apprentice and it changed his life, gave him a career and a wage. Worth a thought?

Hello @TiredButTryin5x

Can you ask your midwife for more support when you next see her?
She can refer you to social services.
They're not there to split families up, they're there to help you get through very difficult family crises.

You have had some harsh replies @TiredButTryin5x but tbh, you said similar things about your son on the thread linked on this one, a couple of weeks ago I think – and lots of people gave you good advice about some things you could do.

It would have been a lot better to do those things then – when possible college destinations were still open and staffed.

People were nice and sympathetic but then began to feel (at least I know I did) that you really needed some tough talking to say you needed to step up and support your son.

He is 15/almost 16 – still a child technically and tbh even the most organised and self-reliant 16yo (which he doesn't sound like) can still use a bit of support. It sounds as tho you don’t have much background knowledge yourself – and I do understand how hard it is if that’s the case. It’s easier for me as I worked in a school for many years so I have good knowledge.

So maybe take this as a wake-up call. You need to take notice of information from school, look at reports, read letters, go to meetings, ask questions. I hope you are able to get some possible answers this week – look at websites for local colleges and find some possible courses bc tbh that's the most likely option. Without GCSE passes or equivalent in maths and English it’s going to be tough for your son.

Getting some help and support sounds like a great step. People can be so negative about social services but they’re there to help, and are often able to get parents and children access to services they wouldn’t usually be able to. It’s nothing to be ashamed of if that’s what has been stopping you.

If it helps when you make the phone calls - write down in bullet points the information you need so that if you do freeze you have that to refer back to.

bbc bitesize careers website would be a good start for your son to have a look at…. And while you are at it, for your younger son to look at and start thinking about as well.

i’m not gonna lie, some of this is hard to read. some of it i prob need to hear, but some of it feels like it’s not meant to help me, just shame me. and believe me, i’m already carrying enough of that without strangers piling more on.

no, i’m not throwin him out. i never was. i said that as a line to show him that he needs to do something. maybe i worded it wrong, but it came from fear. fear that he’ll waste this time like i did. fear that i’m failing him. not hate. not anger. just fear. and love.

and yes, i should’ve called the school sooner. i own that. i’ll call today. i’ve got a notepad out, made a list from some of your replies. gonna go through the college sites too, see what’s left. i know september is too late. i know time is tight. i’m trying to catch up now, even if i’m behind.

re: my other boys - yes, i’ve thought a lot about them these past few days. how it can’t be a repeat. how i’ve got to be more present, more involved. more proactive. i’ve started looking at how to register with their online school portals, so i can keep up better. baby steps but at least it’s something.

to the poster who said maybe there’s ND stuff going on with me - i’ve wondered that before. but i’ve never had the headspace to look into it properly. maybe that’s something to raise with the midwife when i next see her. a few of you have said that, and i think you’re right.

yes i’ve messed up in places. maybe big places. but i am trying to change it now. and some of you who’ve said “you’re brave for keepin on replying” - thank you. you don’t know how much that matters when you feel like the worst mum in the world.

and to the person who asked - yes, he can cook. he makes pasta for the little ones when i’m too sick or wiped. he’s not a monster. just a boy who’s angry and confused and probably scared too. i see that. i do.

i’ll update later after i’ve made the calls. wish me luck. x

If he dues that there will be no money coming in to the house to support him. Ask him how he intends to pay his bills.
Unless unable to work or study, it’s not a choice.

@StMarie4mecould you really not be bothered to read the thread?

OP I hope you do make the calls. Start now (not later, now) and keeping making them until you get hold of some support. Get the ball rolling and it will all get easier.

Good luck, @TiredButTryin5x.

If I’m honest it is … extraordinary to read that you’ve spent your sons’ school careers not engaged with the school parents’ portal - but the good thing is that things can only get better from here. It may seem an uphill struggle at first but I guarantee you’ll soon feel so much more empowered and in control. You’ll begin to know how best to support them.

I won't give you any more grief as it looks like you have received enough of that already. Yes you've dropped the ball but the important thing is you pick it up.

Sure, he wants to chill now as he's just finished his exams but feom finishing to September is quite a long time. He may well realise he is bored by then. If you keep to your new rules that should also help make him realise staying home to chill is not what he expects it to be.

I'm sure you've now worked out he does need to be in some form of education for the next 2 years by now. However, it doesn't need to be anything like school if that's what he thinks it will be. What are his interests? What does he enjoy and what is he good at? Maybe some of us could give you ideas related to those things neither of you thought of. Both my children have not chosen conventional career paths so I'm used to looking at things that are a bit different. Also not all days are long. My DDs first year at college hours were only half a day and she was done by lunch time. Plenty of time for friends, to chill and a part time job!

One more thing to add to the list OP - the college may well be open, the one he’s started the application for and not completed. Look on their website.

it’s often the case with colleges, students apply and get a place offered, but also apply for A levels at their school, then on results day turn down the college course. So places do become available then, you will have to engage with this on gcse results day /the day after.

he needs to do something next year.

What did the school say on the phone OP?

This. 100% this.

Fucks me off that anybody replies now. Totally pointless. OP will just start another thread about baby stuff when doesn't know she needs.

It's disgraceful.

@TiredButTryin5x how did it go today?

Haven't schools and colleges finished for the summer now?

Of course they have. There was no way op was going to get her arse in gear in good time to do anything useful. She’s been doing fuck all for years.

Wow. Are you that rude in real life?

It's baby on though. OP posts over and over again and hundreds of people take time to give well meaning advice which is roundly ignored. It's blunt but pretty accurate.

The term has ended now but there will still be people working in schools who could help the OP of she wanted it.

i’ve made a start. not everything at once but i have started.

i’ve written a call sheet with bullet points like someone suggested - questions to ask, things to mention, names of colleges, contact numbers. not even kidding it’s two pages long now but it’s helping keep my head straight. got one call back yesterday, waiting on another today. slowly moving.

i’m showing DS the bbc bitesize careers site this afternoon. it looks good and tbh even i learned stuff flicking through it. i don’t think he’s ready to dive into it all yet but i’m not pushing hard, just opening the door and keeping it open.

someone said i wasn’t on the school portals and yes - true. i never understood how or even thought it mattered before. but i’m signed up now for my younger boys. i need to be more switched on with them so this doesn’t repeat.

about the “no money coming in” bit - i told DS straight yesterday. i can’t claim for him if he’s not in college or doing something. we talked a bit about jobs and how hard it is to get one with no grades and no plan. he didn’t say much but he listened. that’s something, right?

to the person who said about sterilisation - that one hit deep. i get why you said it. i do. but all i’ll say is that right now my focus is on keeping my kids okay and getting through this pregnancy in one piece. future stuff… idk. one step at a time.

thank you for the encouragement (and even the tough stuff). i’ll come back once i’ve heard from the colleges. trying not to freeze or hide. x

Well done op...you can do it!