he says he’s not doin college now 😩 help

[TiredButTryin5x]

sooo ds (15) just told me out the blue this mornin he’s not doin college now 😩 just said “it’s long n i’m just gonna chill for a bit” like it’s nothing?? his gcses only just finished n he’s barely been out his room since. just xbox n energy drinks n sleepin til 2.

i don’t even know if they’re allowed to not go? someone said before they gotta be in education or whatever til 18?? is that true?? i feel stupid not knowin this stuff but i didn’t even finish school myself n no one tells you what you’re meant to do.

he had a thing open at new city college but never finished the form. i thought it was all sorted but turns out he didn’t do it. he just shrugs at me like it don’t matter.

honestly i’m panickin a bit cos i don’t want him just sittin in his room for 3 years doin nothin. but i don’t know who to talk to or what to say to him that he’ll listen to. feel like he just sees me as background noise at this point 😔

any advice welcome pls x

From previous posts he’s probably going to have to resit GCSEs but at least you don’t have your head in the sand anymore

Well done @TiredButTryin5x you're doing amazing. When you go through the school make separate notes or a document for each of your children. Also make sure to go on settings and say yes to having notifications from the app (download the app on your phone, if you’ve only been using it on the website). So when they go back to school, you'll get a notification when the school adds something.

Well done for the calendar, also near school you should get an email from your DS's schools - it will have key dates for the year. Make sure you put them on the calendar - parent's evening, any days about GCSE options, end of year exams and tests (look through what subject your children are doing well in or not so well). Make sure they are doing their homework as well, maybe sit down with them when they get home and make sure they do it etc. Again deal with the concerns about your other son's behaviour and perhaps being neurodiverse as well.

Tomorrow make DS fill out the form, in front if you, get him to also do other forms for other colleges as well. Maybe say you'll turn the WiFi of at 9 pm or 10pm if not (as midnight is still quite late). When you have your baby, look at colleges in the area you could do a Level 3 in childcare or other courses as well. You can always go to jobcentre as they will have info on adult learning courses. Many of these are free as well if you earn under a certain limit.
But you should be proud of all your progress, keep it up.

OP, have you thought about asking for help from early help services in your area? It does sound like you would benefit from some real life support. They’re all called different things but if you google ‘early help’ and your area it should come up. It’s not social care, anyone can access it if they need support.

💯💯💯 Great advice @TiredButTryin5x

I agree. There’s a great charity called home start in some parts of the uk if you have children under 5. Have a look for others in your area too

I would say if he has a phone, wants to go out, needs clothes then he gets a job or placement and you don’t fund him. He needs to learn that you have to work to be able to get things like mobiles, clothes, bus fares etc or go to college or learn a trade. Yes be a bit gentle over the school hols but after lay down some rules.

Apologies, I thought you were in a 3 bed. You should certainly be eligible for one. The rules are that anyone 16+ and not in a relationship with another household member gets their own room. Then no more than 2 in the room for siblings. But managing to get a 3 bed is another matter.

She is in a three bed. 16 year old has box room. Two middle share. She shares a room with 4 year old but often ends up on sofa.

op do post grade info as a lot of us on here work in education and can help you understand what his predicted grades mean and what that means for college courses. It will have changed since your day as the grades are now numbers.

morning all - thank u again for the replies. i do feel like i’m finally moving in the right direction with stuff even if it’s a bit overwhelming.

i won’t swap the bedrooms for now, i get what people are saying. i was just thinking out loud cos it’s frustrating when he’s shut away all day like a hermit. i just want something to snap him out of it. but yeah, i know he does need some space still.

i’ve started going through the school portal properly now and yep it’s a lot. i’ve made folders on my phone with notes for each kid and got the notifications turned on for both schools. it’s honestly like having a second job but i get now why it matters. didn’t realise how many letters and warnings i’d missed til i looked. i feel embarrassed but i’m not gonna sit in shame over it – i’m doing it now.

he’s gonna fill the college form out today or no xbox at all this week. i’ve told him i’ll sit next to him while he does it. gonna look into other colleges too like some of u said. and yes i’ll turn the wifi off earlier if i have to – 9 or 10 latest.

i’ll ask the midwife next appt about talking to someone or getting on something like early help again. i ignored it when it was offered for ds3 before but i think i need it now for the bigger picture. i want things to change properly this time.

i’m proud of how far i’ve come these past couple weeks tbh. it’s taken a lot to stop avoiding it all. thanks again for being so straight but kind x

The parent portal must be a total revelation!

But have you never, ever had conversations with any of your children’s teachers? Because they would surely have mentioned repeatedly that details would be on the portal? Do you generally attend parents’ evenings?

The first thread of yours that I read a couple of weeks ago was on the Education board - so you’re obviously aware of its existence. All of this stuff, in addition to choice of school, is what those boards; Education, Primary Education, Secondary Education are about - parents grappling with trying to understand and influence every detail of their children’s schooling.

And yes, it is like having a second job - for each child.

You're doing great! You reaching out will help so much more in the long term for you all.

I would also suggest backing up your phone files with handwritten notes in dedicated notebooks, so you can expand on your own thoughts. Maybe, for instance, lists of books, films, possible family trips that might tie in with stuff each child is doing at school.

It is so much easier for children to develop enthusiasm for school and learning in general if they can see that it’s important to their parents.

Maybe he’s being defiant because he’s struggling with how his life will change with the new baby sibling? At 16, he’s technically old enough to be the baby’s dad.

Are you enjoying sticking the boot in?

I’m not, @AusMumhere, my comments are part of an ongoing conversation with the OP. But perhaps you haven’t seen my numerous supportive posts here?

I have, you've been more than helpful - which is why it isn't necessary to have another go about OPs lack of engagement in the past. It's been more than acknowledged.

OP,
Do the college application together with a nice hot chocolate or cuppa in hand. He may be overwhelmed with it all.
I know you will be too so do post here if you need any help.
There are many in this thread who won't shame you repeatedly but offer genuine help.
You got this!!
Xx

Well done @TiredButTryin5x you're doing really well. I agree with PP above make sure to but on your calendar dates for next school year (for all your children) - parents evenings for all your children, dates for school trips, even small things like when they have exams or P.E (so they bring their kit in).

Also even though he's in the box room, you can still make him do things around the house. Give him a list of chores, (don't make him into a second parent) so include you 2 younger children as well. Even just washing the dishes, hoovering, cooking once a week/helping you cook. Start with small task now, when they get to school, add in homework as well. You can use games, phones etc as the punishment if they don't do it. Also maybe go out as a family, even just on a walk to the park, or to any free services for families in the summer.

Is your 4 year old in school yet? Make sure your reading with her, taking her out to play. You need to start having regular contact with your children's teachers next school year (DS2, DS3, and DD4). If you get on the front foot at the start of the year it will be a much better year for your children.

1. When DS3 gets back to school, make sure you ask about the SENCO observing them and building the profile for his support. Ask when it will be? Can they explain it in a meeting to you after they observe him? Also ask how the ECHP process is going? You can't just decide not to ask because you don't understand, it's difficult for all parents - if they send a letter or email, with information you don't understand call the school, or the next day bring the letter and ask reception to explain it, if the senco's speaking too fast ask her to slow down. Then you can write it down. Have you had any more recent contact with senco?
2. Then it's about getting in with Early Help support - you can ask your DS2 or DS3's school for a referral in September. It will be good to have them on board before the baby comes. Also Early Help could help you with housing since 6 people in one house is a lot.
3. If you need help understanding anything on the school portal, feel free to ask (you have many people with experience before to give advice). Any letters about any of your children, DS1 and DS2's exams, any previous exams, and the grades they got, any notes from teachers etc. Your doing very well and I'm sure next year your children will notice a difference.

Yes OP it is like having a full time job and with five children it’s five full time jobs - the more children you have doesn’t mean you have one full time job spread over 5 children but 1 full time job for each. Ultimately it is not the government or schools responsibility for raising your child. It’s exhausting but most of us are going through it or have been through and can help.

a wall calendar is super helpful. As notifications come in from the school , write things on the calendar - a colour for each child. Things like parents evenings, gcse selection meetings (for your next oldest son who I assume is going to start GCSEs soon), application deadlines. I think you have a 10 year old so likely you will need to make secondary school applications in a few months.

does your sons classes have a what’s app group you can join. Yes i know many can me over whelming but often there is a class rep who will send reminders.

sign up to school newsletters and take the time to read them - again will often contain reminders.

lastly are you eligible for pupil premium and have you filled out the form? This will often give your children access and opportunities to after school clubs ect

This is really good advice. From September when your DS3 goes back to school: make sure to ask the school about schools nearby which have good SEN units or even a school for just SEN kids as he may find it too difficult at mainstream secondary. Make sure from September and in the autumn you go round schools (they often do morning tours for possible parents of y6 children so you can see what its like) and you can ask them about the SEN teachers and support they'll have for him. Then for DS2 make sure you go to option evenings (to help him decide what to pick for hid GCSEs). Again sign up for school newsletters as well and set a time to read them each week and write notes down.

@KarmaKameelion Pupil premium (to the best of knowledge) doesn't go to the parents - it goes to the school. Each school can decide how to spend it. All schools get a set amount of money per student and then for pupil premium children they get more (per pupil premium student). So OP doesn't need to fill a form, because there is not a form to fill. Some schools get more resources for the whole school, some just for PPG students (computers, textbooks), I know some school will buy supplies for school trips for the PPG students and it give it to them, help them get school uniform or equipment - so @TiredButTryin5x ask all of your DC's school's what they do with the Pupil premium money - if they use it to buy specific things for them, then ask them to do that (if they haven't already). She's already gets UC and child benefit so there's not much else she's eligible for -other than collecting the child maintenance from her children dad's who currently aren't consistent with it.

@TiredButTryin5x For DS1 when he goes to college get him to ask them (and also ask on results day at his school) about the forms for 116-19 bursary - it will give him extra money to pay for transport and textbooks for school. He will be eligible likely based on household income. Make sure he gets the form in September and then you and him fill it in.

Yes that is correct - pupil premium goes to the school (I am a former school finance manager) but it is not automatic. The parent needs to alert school or council.

in schools I have worked they have used the money to fund school trips, uniform, and after school clubs. Current school does a homework and games club for pupil premium. They do additional reading and maths interventions as well as fun activities like learning chess.

To clarify- the application/ form is for free school meals.

yeah i am in a 3 bed - box room, middle room, and i share with the little one but end up on the sofa most nights. just feels like less than that sometimes with how squashed it gets. not holding my breath on housing but will try again once baby’s born.

as for school - no i never used the portal before. i didn’t know what half the tabs meant when i first opened it the other day. i’ve been to parents evenings in the past but not always managed all of them - especially with work or if the dads were meant to go and let me down. plus if i’m honest, sometimes i didn’t go cos i was scared what i’d hear. it’s hard to explain but i didn’t grow up with any of this stuff, school was just something to survive not something you really planned.

but yes it’s a complete eye opener. seeing the reports and notes and grades all laid out like that - it makes it all feel more real. i’ll post up the predicted grades tomorrow when i’ve had time to write them down properly. i’d really appreciate help understanding what they actually mean, especially with college stuff and if resits are needed.

and yep i’ve told ds - if he wants money for top-ups, bus fare, clothes etc then he has to either be in college or get a job. he’s had a soft ride but that ends soon. just giving him a bit of time now but come september, i’ll be holding that line.

thanks again. this has all been way more helpful than i expected when i first posted x

@TiredButTryin5x I'm sorry if I appeared a little harsh earlier, and I suspect that like me, several posters felt that you weren't taking anything in, but you clearly are and are turning things around.

Keep posting and you will get some brilliant support. I'm further along the line than you as DD is at university, but I remember how important it was to keep engaging with the school.

Also, parents evenings are often online so finding childcare might not be such a problem for these.

Fabulous update, @TiredButTryin5x!

Can I ask - what are your sons like? Individually? Are any of them sporty, musical, creative? What are they interested in - (we only know about gaming so far!)? Are any of them drawn to animals, art, the sea, the stars, fashion? (I remember being shown around a boys’ school where, in a hobbies room, a group of them had their heads bent over sewing machines.)

This is relevant to the parent portal, obviously. Everything you get from the information there should empower you to support your boys in aiming for the sort of life that satisfies them and makes them happy.