FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

@adultnotadult She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

I'm calling BS on this because no one is silly enough to spend £7k on carpet for one bedroom.

I would not rely on halls to sort her out either, I think she will come home, dump all her stuff everywhere and treat the place likely a fully staffed hotel. What might sort her out more is a job.

I will say that it wouldn’t bother me that she mostly sleeps in, that’s normal at that age given the chance. I would be more focused on her behaviour and attitude when she is awake.

You need to really think carefully about your approach to financial support while she is at university.

I think you’re giving her a hard time. What difference does it make to you if she’s in bed till 2pm or not? Why ask her what her plans are? You’ve told her no to the lift, so why try and antagonise her by asking what her plans are when you know her original plans are scuppered?

If her room’s a mess, don’t go in. If she’s negotiated a room with her siblings, why insist it must be done a different way?

The food left to go mouldy and ruining your carpets obviously needs to be tackled, but why pick a battle for everything?

Jesus, don’t you just dream of lying around all day? I would give anything to do that for a day 😆 I certainly haven’t since I was early 20s, I’d let her go for it tbh!

The disrespect is a separate issue and probably what your thread should be focussing on rather than her lying in bed.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. - seems rather extreme and apparently didn’t work. Perhaps the screaming and demands is contributing to her attitude. Classic case of she needs to move out and things will get better all round! Roll on uni eh?

She’s insanely spoilt OP.

she wouldn’t be having the car if she company even say thank you for it.

7k carpet- what the hell?

im assuming the room will go to one of the other kids once she’s at uni? She’s not expecting to keep the best room when she’s not even home most of the year is she?

does she have a job? If not, stop paying for anything. No activities, no money for lifts or fun. She’s an adult now, she needs to act like it.

I just been up and told her to get up 10.30 am and to get her lazy backside downstairs.

Honestly, why? Why does it matter if she’s upstairs or down?

She’s 18, not 8. She might not be acting like one, but for better or worse, she’s an adult. OP can’t unilaterally decide to “send back” the car.

There is plenty the OP can control though. Stop giving lifts, stop paying for hobbies or her phone, refuse to do washing/ironing/cooking for her… generally stop making her life the picnic it’s been until now.

Might this thread a be a stealth post?

7k rugs, horses, large houses, huge bedrooms.

Mummy faux angry?

She sounds like a spoiled little brat. I'd be telling her if her doesn't remain clean and tidy itl be being removed and given to someone who can respect it. From now on she won't be getting lifts anywhere unless she starts showing respect and helping out and the horses need to go if she won't care for them, especially when she is going to uni.

You've spoilt her rotten and this is the consequence.

This

‘House bitch street angel’ I think the expression is.

United front with her dad required, ask her why she thinks she can have a shit tip in a home you gave worked hard to provide? She needs to understand you are human too and feel let down. If you acted like that there would be none of the luxuries she enjoys, horses etc and support at uni she can expect.
Bring home the importance of treating people how she would like to be treated.
Pass her the phone and insists she rings her grandparents and says a proper thank you for the car or better visit as previously suggested. It happens or the car goes back.
Lay down your expectation that she must work. Then she needs to spend an evening at the kitchen table sorting cv and holiday job applications, something where she will be welcome in uni breaks. It happens or the car goes back. Setting up to do dog walking might be an idea with help if her sister?

How is she feeling about the next stage? Has she applied for uni, feeling uncertain about it all? So much going on she can’t control so done understanding of that needed but serious boundaries needed.

I don't think so, the op seems genuine enough and her complaint is a common one - usually about boys!

She needs to let it all out, is highly frustrated but - teens often do that.

My mother was a constant nag. My main ambition was to leave home, to have somewhere, however humble, where I could just be and nobody could come in without knocking or being asked.

The girl will grow up, this is a phase. I'd leave her to it - but I am not, and have never been, particularly houseproud.

The best bedroom she won fair and square
That is neither here nor there. She has forfeited the right to it by not looking after it. It's your house. I would put her in the smallest bedroom. And step back from all favours, rides etc etc.

Umm if you read my other posts. One older child has left home. So she is the eldest left leaving at home and argued she was the eldest and so she got the room and tried to tell the younger ones etc and they didn’t want to row with her. DH and I said no, you all draw lots and unfortunately she drew the biggest room.

Her older sibling also got a car. That point is neither here nor there. It’s not that we haven’t asked her daily to ring Granny etc or send a card - we’ve been on at her - but we shouldn’t bloody have to.

She wasn’t like this at 12,13, 14 when she got things. She was hard working and polite. It’s like she’s regressed to be a self absorbed toddler.

Difference is sibling isn’t entitled and grabby.

The carpets were done before we moved it. It’s our forever house. That’s irrelevant too But we thought she might treat it with respect.

She has worked and revised for exams. Can’t fault her there.

DH and I have just told her she is cooking a family meal Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and twice she Miss Piggy type flounced to her room but she’s been brought back down and she is up tomorrow doing all the horses and shovelling shit all week dogs and horses - as that’s one of 4 daily jobs she has been given. Shes not happy and told me she’s exhausted and tired. I have to say to caught me at a bad moment to say that and got a bloody earful. DH is working from home most of the week- so he can get her up.

She has cleaned out the dog food bins and bathroom bins with the pressure washer and she is apparently going to clean her bathroom when she gets back and I said and you will be going 3 bathrooms not just your own. She agreed. We will see. Out now for a family activity, she’s coming so back at 5 pm
and bathrooms done by 8 pm.

I second this ⬆️. You are allowing her to treat you like this and now she thinks she rules the roost, well she does at the moment. You need to withdraw all financial support, all privileges and grey rock the entitled princess.

She should also be looking for a summer job. If she doesn't up her game I'd be chucking her out of her room into the smallest, or better still into a tent in the garden - if she wants to live in a midden then she can live in outside.

Being grounded doesn't mean she gets to stay in her room doing nothing, make her do her chores and teach her how to look after herself, her things and how to respect others.

I don't think so - I know a lot of families around here, who have exactly this lifestyle, and have children who behave exactly this way. If you think about it, they are used to a nice lifestyle, lifts to they activities, social lives, own rooms, etc. Parents focus on giving them space to do their school work etc.

Then they turn 18, freedom of being an adult, but they still expect their "staff" and home comforts. They frankly behave like giant, spoilt, toddlers.

Off the top of my head, I can think of four families who have exactly this lifestyle, and are having exactly this problem right now!

No advice but sending lots of love and support. It’s very stressful.
ive been in this situation with one of my kids who is much younger (she’s 15 now and this was a regular occurance in our house until about a year ago.)

I hope you refuse to give her a lift!!!

Once she goes to uni why would she keep the biggest bedroom, she won't be there most of the time?

What happens to the pets and horse when she goes to uni?

These seem the bigger points to me, not that her room is a mess.

The rest - no mutual respect, no lifts/car insurance / phone contracts paid.

She’s 18. You cannot ground an adult.

Aside from everything else, let's take a step back here and remember the fact that although at 18, someone is considered an adult legally, they are still frequently immature and self-centred. Of course, some 18 year olds are more considerate, thoughtful and less self-absorbed than others, and then there's the other end of the scale, so it's not an entire surprise that this child is behaving like this, particularly given what sounds like a very indulged childhood.

Do the grandparents condone/indulge this behavior? Is this why she got the car? What's wrong with driving instructor's car?

She's old enough to earn her own money so subsidising hobbies and transport needs to stop, and the big bedroom goes to a sibling in September - she can either clean it before she hands it over or pay for a professional cleaner.

Remember, calling out her poor behavior now should not only sort her out, but show an example to her siblings that this behaviour will not be tolerated when they get to her age.

You can if she's living under your roof not paying her way and treating it like a hotel .At 18 she can move out as she's an adult of course but she isn't acting like one and will stay out until uni because she's got it so good. But if she doesn't get a grip now, uni is going to be huge shock to her system, when nobody is picking up cleaning up after her paying for everything and no unpaid taxi service.

I see the problem. You told her no to the biggest room. Then you gave her the biggest room. You’ve given her a horse, her grandparents have bought her a car.

She didn’t win the room fair and square. She shouldn’t have got the room under any circumstances.

She’s ruined the carpet in her bedroom and shows zero respect to you.

Kick her out of her bedroom and give her the smallest room. She’s going to uni anyway - so why should she have the biggest room when she’s not going to be home full time??

At some point you need to replace the carpet. Can a carpet repair guy switch the carpets around and put the damaged carpet in the bedroom she will be living in?