FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

tell her no.

And tell her she has a week to clear her room, fix EVERYTHING and if not to pack it up and another of the DCs gets a chance at the lovely big room.

Shes off to do uni in September for crying out loud. DH and I have also told her we aren’t paying for the insurance on the car she has been gifted little madam. Fortunately we haven’t insured it yet.

then one of the others gets the lovely big room. It is unfair to let her keep it if she's not using it. As for the car, nope. You do nothing. it gets insured when she grows up

@adultnotadult who pays the phone bill ? No call to grandparents no phone .

Why would you let the one who's leaving for uni have the biggest room. Madness.

This.

Also, who pays 7 grand for a carpet? Ridiculous.

Move her out of the room, replace the carpet with a normally priced one, and put one of her siblings in it.

It was ridiculous to give the largest room to a child off to uni soon anyway.

You bought a 7k carpet for a messy teenager?

Spent an hour waking up, driving and paying for an adult woman to do a horse riding lesson?

And gifted a dog to a ten year old?

Some of this is on you OP! You need to have a rethink about how you handle her behaviour.

What absolute rubbish 😂

@adultnotadult it is a really hard season for everyone in the household isn’t it. I have three sons (20/16/11) and whilst there is less of the sneering and eye rolling than my friends experience with their daughters, there are still emotional outbursts/arguments/thoughtless behaviour from my big ones too. Well not
from the 20yo now thankfully but it was a long haul.

Their brains are designed to pretty much ignore everything we say. Their physiology means that they CANNOT prioritise the things we prob want as adults.

Just wanted to reassure you that she will come back to you, the lovely human being that she was before the teenage version took over is metamorphosing and once she has matured she will be fab once more. Not considerate of your authority/position as an adult in the same way as she might have been pre-hormone onslaught, but she won’t be such a dick as she is at the moment 🤣

Keep holding on xx

I say this very kindly (as I am guilty of it myself) but she is beyond spoilt and knows it! The disrespect however I would never put up with in a million years as I don’t have the patience. The lack of thanks for the car actually made my mouth drop. Do not fund a single thing except basics (a room, free boarding, bills and food is plenty) from now on. I do understand a good couple of weeks to decompress from A-Levels but she doesn’t sound a very happy young lady from doing so- boot her out of that bedroom and if she needs anything she’s ideally going to have to get a little job or at the very least pulling her weight around the house.

Install a sofa bed in this giant room and then invite grandma for a week to stay on it.

Sounds like you’re reaping the rewards for letting her rule the roost, vile, entitled behaviour comes from having had no consequences up until now…….

If she is off to uni then it is ridiculous that it was ever considered that she had the largest bedroom and those children who are still at home have a smaller room, I can't believe you ever entertained this situation

So she's won the room fair and square but continued use of that room relies upon her now sorting her act out and not being a selfish, entitled brat. Yes I get that she's in that odd space between being a schoolgirl and now off into the outside world but she's going to have a real shock when she gets to uni and you owe it to her to prepare her for this.

OP your youngest sounds delightful

Oh and she goes around to the grandparents with a large bunch of flowers and chocolates (and her best manners) and offers to take them for a day out. Otherwise the car will be getting sent back.

Who’s going to be paying the insurance on it year on year?

And 7k for a teenage bedroom carpet is ridiculous.

She sounds utterly spoilt.

Absolutely, wish I'd though of this

You have my sympathies but rather than dwelling on the past, I would focus more on ground rules for the future.
Let her slob in her room if she wants including long lie ins. Ler her not open windows. Let her leave it a mess generally but insist that once a week all food/plates are brought down.
BUT - no more lifts, no more paying for activities, no allowance. I wouldn't even cook for her unless you are seeing basic civility plus a fair share of household chores every day. Do not insure that car.

She can’t have insurance in her name if she hadn’t passed her test. Is it booked yet? Apologies if you have already said.

Well done to you and DH for staying firm on the lifts yesterday. Set some boundaries and stick to them. She's not going to change overnight so decide what's most important, eg messy room may be acceptable but not dirty.

Agree. Make her get of her arse and get a job as you aren’t supporting her.

Does she have a summer job lined up? If not why not?
Where does she get money from?
Does she have a list of chores she's expected to do? If not why not?
What happens when she breaks your house rules eg no food in bedrooms?
What has she been asked/told to do about the nail varnish on the carpet?
Why is she having driving lessons when she hasn't even thanked her GPs for the car? Who is paying for them?

I think the sleeping until late and the mess is fairly common but the attitude and being ungrateful is not. I have to nag my DC, similar ages, to tidy up, bring their dishes down etc but they are polite and thankful for everything I do. Now exams are over, I will be tougher on the helping around the house and I do let them sleep in. They are very tired and spend a lot of time in bed.
I would start with a plan of what you expect her to do and behave and take it from there. We’ve also got to let them fail sometimes, expensive hobby cancelled if they don’t attend.

Youngest is upset so I might offer her the pets or rehome them, I don’t know.

If you bought pets for your child, they are YOUR responsibility if your child won’t take care of them. They are not something you can just offer to anyobe ffs. Honestly, your daughter sounds like an entitled spoilt brat, but you sound like the enabler.

My DD's room was like this, minus the mouldy food. Then she left home, and left such a mess you would have thought she had just popped to the shops. When we visited her new place, I got told off for leaving a glass by the sink!

I just wanted to say I sympathise and it’s not necessarily your fault, I've got one like this and another who isn’t, same upbringing. I’d try to keep your temper but know it’s easier said than done.

“Tough tits, darling. I’m going down the pub.”

1am? My parents would not have allowed that. I was allowed to go out/stay out late but they needed to know before 8 (cos Dad needed to know if he could have wine with dinner or not) if I needed a lift home and if not where I was staying and the lift would be at 11, no arguments. I would almost always stay with a friend so I could stay late. This was the days before uber. You need to put your foot down, grounding doesn't achieve anything, my most common punishments were withholding money that I would have to earn back (cleaning my room, housework etc.) and no lifts (this one stopped working after my mates learned to drive).

The best bedroom she won fair and square by lots in the end after we said no to her demanding it.

Won!? It’s your house, your decision surely? You sound utterly clueless OP.