FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

She’s giving vibes of some of my dc’s flatmates in uni halls this year (from a £35,000 a year boarding school) absolutely disgusting behaviour never cleaning up, shoving mouldy pots and broken glasses in other people’s cupboards, taking other’s kitchen items and leaving filthy or festering in their rooms.
I wouldn’t tolerate being spoken to in that way.
The car thing sounds ridiculous what’s the point if she can’t drive yet or have a plan to pay the thousands for insurance. It’s just sitting there presumably SORN. What if it’s stolen or damaged whilst uninsured.

If she isn't looking after the biggest room then she wouldn't have it. Mouldy food and ruined carpets, no chance. I'd let her know that when she goes to uni / before she will be getting the smallest room because she clearly doesn't value her room.

Honestly - it sounds as if you've spoilt her rotten. Definitely tough love from now. No lifts, cancel the activity as she doesn't get up by herself and go anyway so why bother. Tell she needs to get a summer job otherwise it is bare essentials only (basic food no treats/makeup/phone etc). She needs to lose her attitude and fast.

Good outcome, OP. In addition its good for the younger siblings to see that responsibility and shared work are not something that stops at 18. I think that the emphasis on doing well in school and the special handling kids get so that they excel academically is very dangerous to the child’s development as it pushes a lot if life to the side and creates false expectations on both sides (that the child’s job, for which they should be rewarded, is to revise nonstop and do well and go to Uni). If you are so inclined I highly recommend Alice Miller’s psychological work in Drama if the Gifted Child.

The OP's parenting is a mixture of volatile shouting and giving harsh jobs and indulging and being inconsistent. Poor children. It sounds unstable. But OP can pay for the best shrinks so there's that. They will probably find the stately home threads useful.

She's not moving out, she is going to university. Her home remains her home. Mind, 7k for a carpet?!

She wasn’t like this at 12,13, 14 when she got things. She was hard working and polite. It’s like she’s regressed to be a self absorbed toddler.

No - you've spoiled her rotten and handed her everything on a silver platter, and are now experiencing the consequences of that.

“Hopefully living in halls will sort her out”

I laughed loud at that, have you ever seen a student house? I went to pick up DS from his flat at the end of the term, while we were checking we had not left anything behind on the flat, he shouted “Don’t open that door mum! there’s a pigeon nesting on the bed!”

You can’t make it up. Honest.

Not her fault OP she wasn’t born like this

she was never taught respect or ownership

shes an adult , beyond entitled , plain ungrateful, rude, disgusting attitude

never too late but you need to be less emotive and be clear in your head as to what she needs to prove .

did she get a student loan for uni?

I feel a little sorry for your daughter. I can imagine what a nightmare she is and she probably knows she is - she's not stupid, after all, is she?
@adultnotadult Did you go to university yourself? Probably. Is it possible that she's capable of amazing things, has proven it and you're not really acknowledging that in the way you talk to her. Not what you hand over to her. How you talk to her. Maybe your attitude is "that's all very well but..." which it should be, but it's only that, so she's ignoring you because she' knows she's provided for herself what matters. You could think wow, look what I did, that person is my child - with all her brains. Stop her being so entitled, just differently, instead of flexing. Same requirements, different attitude. Of course, you're smart enough to do it otherwise she wouldn't have been enabled to get where she is.

Out of interest how did she pay for uber?
Has she got plans for summer - travel? Festivals? Pt job.
When things calmer I’d have a conversation about her plans and your expectations. She’s 18 but still needs to respect family rules. In car or midnight we’re always good times for a chat with my teen.

Agree, halls will NOT sort her out.
Allowing her to choose to behave in an unacceptable way - no nagging and treating her like an 8 year old, then following through on consequences such as no lifts,activities,funds etc etc is imo the ONLY way that she will respect you and learn to become a functioning adult
She needs to (finally) reep what she chooses to sow

Pace yourself op. It takes consistency to get back on track, and if you try and power through on rage alone, you’ll lose the drive.

Google the 4 parenting styles if you’re not familiar with the concept. You’ve been through a permissive phase, understandably getting through A Levels and it’s time to tighten up. But you want to land in authoritative, not authoritarian.

If you think of it as a parenting challenge, rather than framing it as a problem with her attitude, it’s easier to keep a steady course. It’s not a matter of who is to blame, but who is steering.

How is this tough love? She’s out with her mates having a good time. Regardless of her age she’s under your roof, she’s not to go out / have friends round until she tidies her room. Honestly no idea why people are scared to parent their own kids and wonder why they turn into brats.

I can't believe that she wouldn't thank her grandparents for the car.

There's entitled and entitled.

Do better OP. You've pushed the story too far there.

Just wanted to say OP if its any consolation I was an absolute nightmare for my poor mum, wasn't spoiled at all, got so much less than your daughter, but it was like i had this rage or something, my mum kept saying i would give her a heart attack!
Then I left for uni, and ever since then, we have been best friends ☺️

Who is paying for her driving lessons?

Since she’s 18 and out of further education, if she wasn’t off to uni in a couple of months I’d advise you to give her a date to move out by. It probably isn’t worth it as she is going to halls soon.

No idea why you’re paying for her activities. I finished sixth form about a decade ago. Everyone finished A-Levels at 17/18 and went to work, either for the summer before uni, or to start their career. You were lucky if Mum and Dad didn’t charge board for the summer!

You are low. Going after her beloved dog. What a disgrace. Sensible discipline is one thing which you haven't been doing for years but this is something else entirely. It's something she will never forget and not in a good way. If I was your daughter I would hold this against you forever.

@Afewtimesagain

she should shift her lazy arse and sort out her animals then, can’t expect her mother to do it - op’s daughter is a woman of 18 years old, an adult, she needs to sort herself out.

She does enjoy a privileged life, but that is her normal, it’s all she knows. It sounds as if she is more than capable of being a reasonable individual, she just chooses not
to at home.

She will have to grow up quickly at uni. Others won’t tolerate any crap and she will be living outside her privileged bubble. I remember a few like her when I was at uni. They arrived with every comfort known to man, usually trailing two doting parents behind them as they marched around loudly complaining about the size of their room and the shared bathroom. It took just a few hours for them to realise their place in relation to everyone else. Unearned privilege doesn’t carry much weight at uni.

Be prepared though op. It’s quite usual for them to become insufferable and opinionated after their first term. It might be a bumpy Christmas!

You didn’t have to scream at her for an hour, for her to come down; you chose to. My parents always made it clear that if they had to repeat themselves, we’d be sorry they did. From what you’ve said, she is being richly rewarded for being an ungrateful, spoilt brat. Her expensive activity should be cancelled; she can start going again when she decides she wants to pay for it herself. Same goes for her phone, devices and everything else, until she can show some grace and gratitude. Or you can just keep doing what you’re doing and keep getting what you’ve got. Whatever changes you are now implementing need to be strictly adhered to. She needs to learn some manners.

A £7k carpet, a horse, a car ... I am not surprised you have an entitled spoilt little madam on your hands. You have to accept you made this.

Though she's behaving like a 13 year old, she's an adult.

Time she got a summer job.

Stop booking, arranging and paying for activities. No more lifts - she can pay for classes, pass her test and drive.

And do not pay her insurance, road tax, MOT etc.

The reality of owning a car, like owning a pet, may be about to come as a bit of a shock.

And her horse - a horse needs dedicated care. You say she has stopped looking after him? A horse can be rehomed with someone desperate to have one.

Don't shout at her or treat her like an adolescent. Have adult conversations and if she won't engage and ignores you - let her.

Yes you can its called learners insurance and is actually a lot cheaper than the insurance is once they pass their test, as to drive the car there has to be someone in with them who can drive and is over 21.

Its great that she is amazingly responsible, respectful and high achieving outside of the home and has worked very hard for her exams.

However I wonder if all of the above are masking and that exhausts her emotionally so her discharge is in the safety of her own home? Does she have any ND traits? Doesnt excuse it - but it might explain it?

I wouldnt bother loking horns. I would send her a text with the ground rules - but more importantly with the deadlines and then the consequences. Very transactional. Just send the text once - no discussion or debate ('them's the rulz") and then just enact the consequences without informing her.

Maybe she needs space emotionally. Seems there has been a lot of 'hovering' over her and walking on egg-shells (YOU need to own this) - do you and your husband have a lot of expectations invested in her exam results.

Your family life sounds busy (to me) - and maybe a bit overwhelming with the activities and responsibility for horses and dogs. Can you simplfy it?

I never ask my DCs to clean their room or do their laundry - but they have a responsibilty to keep communal areas clean and tidy. However that hoover is crashing about when they know their friends are coming - and it only takes one event of no clean knickers for them to step up their laundry. No nagging needed. Its called natural consequences.

You all sound exhausted. Its a big milestone nudging them over the line thru A levels. Give yourself a break and reward yourself with a G&T for a tough job completed.