FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

You shouldn’t have given her the opportunity to ’win’ a bedroom, but I expect you realise that now 😳

I agree with @parakeet - cut her off. You have given her a lovely lifestyle, along with her siblings, but she is becoming an adult now and she should be able to see that she is a lucky girl and show a bit of gratitude to the people who provide her with so much. No more money for luxuries, no lifts, nothing and the car would be going back to her grandparents. It is really appalling that she hasn't even said thank you. My kids had a lot growing up as well, and whenever they showed they were not appreciating it, or myself and DH for working so hard to give it to them, I made it very clear that we were the source of the Nile. All good things flowed through us, so it was a big mistake to abuse us. And she is abusing you and her home. Don't put up with it.

She also needs to start pulling her weight around the house. She lives there, so she needs to contribute to the household. She doesn't work, so she needs to do chores. Hold firm, get tough, she will come through this!

Her horse - would one of the other kids want to take it over? We ride too and when one of my kids went through this phase, she really neglected her pony. Couldn't be arsed to look after her or exercise her regularly but still expected her to perform perfectly at lessons and shows despite being uneducated and unfit. I lost my rag and gave the pony to her sister, who exercises her alongside her own and adores her. We keep ours at home and I couldn't bear to sell her as we are all she has ever known, she came to us as a very neglected weanling. It is a much easier decision to make when you don't have livery bills, I appreciate that.

I sadly expect OP doesn’t.

For me, the thing I'd be upset about is the car, I'd be making her thank her grandparents. For that there would be repercussions.

At 18 I was a student nurse in a city 50miles from home! And we weren’t supernumerary like student nurses are now! Why hasn’t she got a summer job at least? Although to be honest the way she’s been spoilt I’m surprised she not away on a two week all inclusive 5 star holiday in a hotel with her pals!

It’s absolutely vile that she is allowed to behave like that to her grandparents.
What a shit brat spoilt child. ”Mummy darling” ought to be ashamed.

Uni is going to be a wake up for her. Mine just completed A’s. They’ve had two weeks of being able to lie in and not care about revision. My house is spotless too, and there were 5 of them round last night to watch sport. They’re all still in bed, but tidied up and switched the dishwasher on.

i agree with the other posters, she’s had her break now it’s time to clean up her act, beginning with thanking her grandparents.

You need to stop facilitating this behaviour. It's not good for her and it's not good for the rest of the family.
Stop tip toeing around her. Put rules in place and enforce them.
She clearly doesn't expect you to say no to her - you need to restablish better boundaries. And make it clear that she needs to do her bit by keeping her room tidy, following the rules etc before you're going to be giving her lifts etc.

Not being servile and submissive isn’t some moral failing. Being rude is definitely not okay and similarly for disrespecting your space by causing damage etc. But you seem to resent her for not having the same disadvantages that you have?

You mention having been up since 5 while she was still in bed. Well, of course. You are a grown woman who has chosen to have a family and this is a young girl about to go to university. Completely different. Similarly you’re contemptuous of her grandparents gift. Surely this is up to them? You get to give guidance about how to treat people but surely she’s of an age where she can deal with her own consequences here?

You remind me of my own mother at this age who would rant and rave when I hadn’t cleaned the house before she returned home from work and made me responsible for the care of younger siblings, forgetting that one of us was a parent and the other a child. Unsurprisingly I couldn’t wait to go to university and have no relationship with her now as an adult.

@adultnotadult Please check out an episode of the Calm Parenting podcast where he talks about a scenario very much like this. It’s a bit American but he has some great strategies and advice about how to handle situations like this.
Essentially, in as unemotional way as you can muster, next time she refuses to tidy her room or help you with a chore, you say: “Ok, we’ve established that in this house we don’t have to do things for each other. If that’s how you want it to work, OK.”Then next time she wants a chauffeur ride (or any other service from you) you say (as matter of factly and unemotionally as possible) “I remember our conversation: we’ve established that we don’t have to do things for each other, haven’t we? So no, I won’t be taking you.”

And you must stick to it.

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/calm-parenting-podcast/id1281790712?i=1000711980609

Spoilt materially and indulged. You've done this now you need to undo it.

Child darling I didn’t agree to drive your friends not my issue.

Tough shit. No pre-arrangement, no lift.

Oh my. I got stuck on this comment too.

Pretty hard grounding an 18 year old. You can’t physically stop them. What are you actually going to do?

I think I’d be making her pay to have the carpet cleaned professionally (not sure if this is a possibility with nail varnish)

Did you do anything to help out around the house you were all living in?
at 18 one is no longer a child and should absolutely be contributing in some way.
you thought a bit of babysitting was too demanding?

Close her Uber account (unless she’s paying for it )

She sounds spoiled and ungrateful and she has so much to be thankful for. I could have done my whole house up for what you must have spent on her room but I am guessing she has always had the best of everything so it is not a treat and a privilege. I would guess that pointing out that loads of young adults (and she is a young adult now) do not have anywhere near the lifestyle she has will only be met by scoffing and sneering as at that age it can be hard to see that others lead way less comfortable lives. Stick to the tough love, but it is not long until she is off to uni which hopefully will be a bit of a wake up call. I feel for you OP, it sounds like you have tried everythin, but this latest stuff is just horrible and like you I would be raging

I hate to say it but she doesn’t value any of her things as they have all come so easily to her. She feels entitled because so far life experience has backed up the idea that she is, things have been given to her with no effort on her part. You have to take some responsibility for this. I am not making any excuse for her because naturally when people are able to provide a child with nice things, they want to do that, and it should be possible to still create some sense of privilege and gratitude, but clearly that hasn’t happened here so you need to do some remedial work.

As a family, what made you all decide to just give her a car of her own? It is truly horrifying that someone could be given a car, a CAR, and not acknowledge this with any kind of thanks. That’s shameful. It clearly shows that she should never have been given one. You need to read her the riot act about that and have her offer thanks. Working on why she didn’t realise that herself will be a longer project.

Do not spend money putting any more expensive things her way that will clearly get ruined. Cheap options for everything. What will her accommodation be at university, are you planning to pay for a better room? I would be withdrawing that, or certainly threatening to unless she improves her attitude. When I say that I am thinking again of the no thanks for a car!

Her approach to hobbies may be changing and if you don’t think she shows enough enthusiasm and commitment then no need for her to keep riding regularly or to have her own horse.

OK she won a silly ballot that you should never have had, especially with her going to be away in term time soon. I would tell her you have reconsidered and reallocate rooms, or at least make it clear that you will do that if certain conditions aren’t met.

If you don’t want her to expect everything handed to her on a plate with no expectations on her in return, then stop handing her everything on a plate with no expectations in return.

Your home life sounds unusual and rather privileged.

I'm surprised she was given a dog aged 10, that was hers rather than a family pet. This also is unusual, and not too wise.

I would have done a lottery for rooms only for the children who are not away at university. She shouldn't be in the biggest room. There shouldn't have been a lottery but if there had to be one, she should have been given a small room outside of any lottery, seeing that she is moving out in September, seeing that only the remaining dc will actually be living in the house ft. The room will essentially be unused most of the time. That's a shame and a waste.

Everyone at school says how lovely she is kind, empathetic, helpful, bright, academic, resourceful, she was Head Girl. At home she’s ignorant, rude, entitled and flouncy. I was prepared to ride it out as exam stress etc but the exams are over.
Open, honest feedback: based your posts, I can see why she doesn't respect you. You sound meek and soft but also inconsistent and unpredictable. She's got you and her daddy over a barrel. You have spoiled her and it's too late to correct it now. You are lucky that she is well behaved outside of the home, good for her. She must have some deep frustrations with you and the way you behave. Young people need boundaries, especially those who are head strong. No boundaries = neglect.

Well clearly things need to change, OP.

I don’t think the lying in bed until 2pm 2 weeks after A Levels is that bad. Some of the other things are awful though.

You say your other DCs are different. Any ideas why? Is there any chance that she might have ADHD for example? It is striking to me that she can’t get round to doing stuff, which is typical. Obviously I may be barking up the wrong tree. My DC was diagnosed
at age 20, a year after starting uni. If you’d asked me at 18 if there was any chance they had ADHD, my answer would have been “no but they have terrible anxiety.”

Ds1 is currently sweeping the front drive with a face like thunder. We gave him a week to sleep but now he needs to be a contributing member of the household.

however he has been perfectly pleasant company isn’t rude and keeps his stuff in order - I might be nicer to him.

If she has a car she can do the lift surely?

I expect she will imrove, she's probably exhausted, A levels take a lot out of kids and the holidays are time for chilling out. It won't last.

Don't yell and nag but do insist she doesn't leave food waste in her room and tries to be more careful with spillages and the like.

You're only young once and youth doesn't last forever. Time passes quickly and before you know it she'll be living away from home, having to budget, pay bills, buy groceries and do all for herself. It was the same for us.

Are you all going away on holiday together this year or is she going with friends?

The biggest bedroom, 7k carpet, lifts and a HORSE? At that age I worked a full time job, saved for a new home, bought my own car and supported my now-husband as he went to uni to become a nurse.

OP she is a monster of your own making and you need to start standing up to her. There need to be consequences, and massive treats like horses (!) need to be deserved. She won't clean it out? It gets sold. She won't keep it clean? Younger child gets best bedroom.