FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

Furious? We moved house when I was in my 2nd year of A-levels and it didn’t bother me at all. Why on earth would she be furious?

according to @independentfriend OP should have lived there forever in order to keep her adult daughter’s “childhood home”

Madness

Inyournewdress
I agree. She’ll come home and dump everything.
When she’s away at Uni, endless demands for money, partying , drugs, unsuitable friendships, pregnancy, not attending lectures or doing any work.
Her upbringing was too privileged and she is a silly immature girl.

Erm, you feel guilty??? Why?

OP you need to develop a backbone, and fast! Change the WiFi password, take her car keys off her, and expect reasonable behaviour before she gets them back. And that includes pulling her weight round the house.

I bet she won't be if you turn the WiFi off!

I think it tells you a lot about why this brat is like this. Act like that in my house & you'll be living somewhere else, girly.
She's an adult & needs to behave like one.

That worked. So do more of it. At 18 she is an adult and needs to feel responsible. The more you allow her to the quicker she'll mature. Rather than feeling guilty for her and her friends getting an uber feel proud of yourself for letting her sort things out for herself. If you feel good about that, she'll start to as well.

And no point comparing children to each other, they're individuals.

Change the locks and don't give her a key. Charge her for the room, so she has to get a job or claim benefits.
It will be tough- but you have let her get this entitled, you have to fix it.

Not much sympathy for you on reading this. Tell her to shape up or she's shipping out! She should be getting a summer job whilst she's waiting to start university. Her behaviour is unfair on her siblings too. She sounds like a spoiled little madam who needs to be held responsible for her action. She would start by cleaning up her mess and getting the nail polish out of the carpet. You did right to refuse her a lift. I would be telling her straight off she gets nothing more ;other than her bed and food until she earns it! Starting with thanking her grandparents properly for the very generous gift they made her.. She is lacking in basic respect for others. Her grand parents must feel quite sad and disappointed. Stop letting her make a doormat of you! She's not a toddler. Maybe time to stop with the 'gentle parenting' It doesn't seem to be working.

My dad was an entitled brat at this age also. I used to tie myself up in rages about the lack of respect she had for all other family members. Thankfully she is now 23 finished uni and turned into a very pleasant woman who is a pleasure to be around.

As my dad say "this too will pass". Hang in there.

*DD

At 18 she's an adult, no lifts, no allowance.
I would expect her to be working/attempting to get a job.
My kids stopped getting pocket money after GCSEs and are expected to find their own way out and about.
You've spoiled her.
I can't believe you felt guilty about her getting a taxi, she's an adult!
Let her live in her mess then redo her room and give it to a sibling once she's gone, she can have a smaller room to mess up when she comes back for the holidays.

How's she got the money for am Uber if she's not pulling her weight?!

Tough love is the only way to go now. Don't give in and don't feel guilty.

shes 18, show her the right move listings for local rentals and student accommodation etc along with what financial support she can expect without the bank of mum and dad, and explain she has 6 months to organize and look after her room in an otherwise free / heavily discounted nice home where she can continue living a privileged & supported lifestyle, otherwise she can find her own place. and of course follow through with it.

treat her like an adult and she will act like one.

id also give her a bus timetable and explain if she wants a lift she needs to pull her weight.

I didn't think she once said she is considering rehoming the dog?!

From OP’s replies:

Youngest is upset so I might offer her the pets or rehome them, I don’t know

Admittedly she doesn’t specifically refer to the dog, and says she won’t rehome the dog in the next sentence, but does complain about how little DD does for the dog. My point still stands that you don’t expect a ten year old to care for their pets consistently for ten years, and you don’t rehome any animal that your child isn’t committed to - you don’t get the animal unless you’re committed too.

My daughters had part time jobs from the age of 16. It teaches them responsibility and how adults function by getting up and going to work. It teaches them independence and how to budget and in a customer facing role it teaches them how to treat adults. Highly recommended! Send the brat to work.

1k furniture? 7k carpet? Bought her a car? Paying for her expensive hobbies? Boy, am I glad to be a single mum. All my three boys have had to get jobs at McDonald's as soon as they turned 18. I simply told them I'm giving them zero money and will "only" pay for the roof over their heads, food and gas and electricity plus internet. They pay for their phones, gym, cars... Stop spoiling her, no wonder she's a brat.

Imagine your own mother putting a whole post on the internet about how much she dislikes you.

The way you speak about your own daughter is awful, OP. She’s obviously picking up on the fact you don’t like her and favour your other children.

The internet is forever. The poor girl could read this.

I hate to disappoint you but I am that poster and all is fine and dandy. None of my kids would’ve left mouldy shit in their rooms because it’s disgusting and unhygienic, not because they were forced to live in some Stepford wife boot camp.