FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

I agree that she should respect the house, and the rules set by the parents. It's still her home though. She's not a lodger.

Oh come on. “Stifling” to not leave moldy food around and to say thank you to someone who bought her a large and expensive gift? Please 🤣

I dread to think what that poster’s house is like if she thinks it’s unreasonable to ask teens to bring down mouldy food remains and dirty crockery from their bedrooms.

I'm often amazed at how low some parents set the bar for their teens behaviour.

It’s no wonder so many adults are going out into the world with idea how to look after themselves/their surroundings etc, is it? Being a teen is learning how to be a successful adult. You can’t do everything for your child until they move out then expect them to miraculously know how to function in the real world.

One word: rent.

She’s 18, she can contribute to the bills, a cleaner for her room, etc.

Her behaviour will change rather quickly when that happens.

I think the cure is Uni. most kids come back human at 22yrs old or so.

Well done! We've all been there.

why would she need any lifts from you if she has her own car?

Agree with comment about her large room going to one of her siblings as she is off to university. We did this with our DC. Just told DS that it was DD turn to have bigger room as he’d be away most of year. Not happy but he agreed. You really don’t want her to come home after university. You’ll never get rid of the spoilt madam.

Because she hasn’t passed her test yet.

Like others have said, she didn’t become this way overnight, it’s been years in the making. I used to be exactly like this as her age, my parents should have said no to me but I was a brat who always got my own way. Then my life changed literally overnight one day and I had to grow up fast! That’s the only way I snapped out of it, but in hindsight I wish my parents had said no to me, disciplined me better, had consequences for my disgusting behaviour and had taught me to be a better human being. I am now raising my own children to do better. So my advice is, say no, put your foot down, stop giving in, stop letting her get away with it, ground her, throw her out (she’s 18!!!) and get her in the real world or she’ll end up a very entitled, toxic and bratty grown adult one day.

You’re doing it exactly right. No lifts or trips until she starts to pull her weight. She’s (almost) an adult now, so if she wants to be treated a such, she has to behave like one. I’ve been through it with one, who is now 23 and living independently, his flat is always tidy. I am now going through almost what you are, but after a lot of perseverance, not allowing her to use my car or giving lifts etc has been paying off. Good luck!

I think it’s unfair to say ‘it’s been years in the making and she sounds spoiled’ - it’s quite common for teens to go from perfectly reasonable, lovely children to absolute selfish teenage horrors overnight. But they do come out the other side, you just need to be patient and put some boundaries in, try your best not to fight them and let them make some mistakes. Wait til she is in Uni and comes grovelling back at Xmas because she’s had a huge realisation that you are a brilliant Mum and she appreciates everything you’ve done for her. Uni is a massive wake up call when she’s having to cook, clean and get herself out of bed in the morning.

My 18yo doesn’t emerge from his room until 7pm. It’s a joke and I’m sick of it tbh. And it’s certainly not because he’s a spoiled brat I’ve made sure he hasn’t been spoilt. I have the same conversations over and over with him and he just doesn’t listen. He’s just finished college and isn’t going to uni but isn’t looking for jobs either. His room is disgusting and stinks to high heaven. But I haven’t done his washing or cleaning for 2 years and have only caved twice when the smell got overbearing. So yeah I have no advice I just want to say you aren’t alone some teenagers are just hard hard work!

Op your a doormat no wonder she wipes her feet on you!

OP, I suggest you read the other thread from someone who declares herself not a 'carer ' and has no intention of helping her parents and in laws in any way in their old age. You have reared just such a selfish, self centred person and I suggest you start putting your foot down before it's too late. We'll done for not giving the lift. Now follow through and one day she may be grateful to you.

@Pliudev

which thread is that?! Sounds awful!

Words like spoilt, ungrateful and selfish come to mind! Has she always been like this?

Cherrytree86: Fragmentedbrain post yesterday. And most replies agreed.

It's you who's gave her that entitlement. Now you live with the consequences.

You reap what you sow. Your fault.

@Kjpt140v

for goodness sake, this 18 year old is her own person! At one point will it get a bit silly for her to be blaming her shitty behaviour on her parents?? 21? 30? 52?

Moving house whilst she was in her second year of A levels (if I've understood the timeline) was inadvisable. It's happened now and can't be undone but I can imagine how furious I'd have been in her circs. You get your forever home. She gets a home that may not ever really be hers (depending on what she does during university vacations / if she moves back after uni) and has lost her childhood home.

She's behaving in ways that are inconsiderate of other people and that needs addressing.

If organising her room has always been a problem, it's worth helping her with strategies for doing it - sit with her and help / get a professional house decluttering person to work with her etc. She may not know how to arrange things in ways that helps her stay organised. Poor executive functioning is worth investigating as it will be more apparent in the less structured uni setting vs A level teaching.

What are her plans for the summer? Is she job hunting? Trying to learn to drive? Prep study for uni? Volunteering? Travelling?

It's reasonable she takes a share of housework whilst she's got some free time but remember this is one of the few summers she'll have free and a certain amount of lying around doing nothing is to be expected.

Info:

Did older sibling get a car?

Does DD18 pay board?