FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

It’s ridiculous to suggest that still living at home at 18 is in any way strange. Times, and living costs, have changed. I think more than half of men still live in the parental home at 25, and the average age of leaving home is now nearer 30 if you google stats.

@InsectsMatter did you go to university?

Insane you let her have the biggest room which will sit empty most of the year. Really awful for your youngest kids and shit parenting. You probably let her do the lot drawing too so she planned it. FFS move the rooms around when she’s gone! Otherwise why wouldn’t your actual eldest who also doesn’t live there get that biggest room.

No it doesn't, but when you clearly dislike your daughter manifests in a difficult mother daughter relationship and this sort of careless behaviour from the daughter. The scapegoat / golden child dynamic is very common in families, clearly the 12 year old daughter is the golden child and the eldest daughter is the scapegoat.

This is not going to be a popular opinion, but I think OP has swung from being overly permissive to being overly harsh. You can't take her dog away FGS.

18 is old enough to start doing those things for yourself and not expecting your parents to do it for you. How else are they going to learn how to cope in the world of of adulthood? Treating an 18 year old like a child and doing everything for them does them no favours at all.

The car has been brought and gifted to her.
Grandparents have brought it not us she is not currently insured on it, she will be from 1st August. There is a reason for it. Cars are being moved between different family members and insurances renew then.

Its a moot point, as is the cost of the carpet.

I don’t care if I lend someone a £3 necklace I love from Primark or a £3K one with a diamond, it’s my stuff and I want it looked after. Like most parents DH and I have worked bloody hard in our lives to earn what we have and saved. My point is if I loan you one of my necklaces look after it and return it. Likewise if you get a beautiful new carpet look after it.

Having said that we got back from swimming about 20 minutes ago, as she had put a load in the machine before we left and as soon as we came in she emptied it without being asked and started hanging it out. As I’m typing she is pressure washing the compost bin (wasn’t asked to do that either).

Being mumsnet, I’ve had a range of comments from its all my fault and get her a cleaner, or to send her to boot camp 🤣 or suggesting she is ASC or that it’s do with my ‘high expectations’ or my fault for an expensive carpet or maybe it’s just my fault as a mother.

As a woman you can’t do anything right. Even less as a Mum.

And yes, she has been pretty loving and kind up until this point. A few teenager blips but on the whole she was pretty good. A few teenage strops and arguments mainly about GCSEs and revision. She started going downhill about Christmas and we thought it was exam stress and then the move - although we have only moved literally a 5 minute drive to our forever house. She was keen and excited and promised to tidy her floordrobe etc

Thanks for all the advice, opinions and thoughts. DH and I as always will work as a team together.
As always she won’t be perfect and I could be back tomorrow wanting to send her down a coal mine or the boot camp! But thanks all the same.

That's not what I said. Mine learned to cook and clean etc and became independent adults. This was in a positive family environment. In this situation, refusing to do anything for her as a punishment, I find very negative. Something has gone wrong somewhere, and it's up to the parents to show initiative to rebuild.

Errr no - they are both different. Both loved and both unique. Neither lay golden eggs and neither are ogres. There is no need to project your family dynamic on to mine.

It is possible to not like some of the things one of children is doing - like treating their room like a skip.

Her brain has no executive functioning. She is acting a lot like someone with undiagnosed ADHD.

When did I say I was taking her dog away! ??!!! RTFT - someone suggested taking her pets away if she wasn’t looking after them. Her dog and her horse are - I specifically said this - they part of OUR family, they are not up for rehoming. I fully expect them to stay her whilst she is at university and in halls. Don’t make stuff up.

OP, don't get into the negativity of "Mums can't do anything right". You have done fine, it just seems as if the A level exams somehow triggered something and she's felt overwhelmed. She's doing a lot of chores now, including some not requested, so that's good. I hope you can start to find out what's gone wrong and why.

Don't re home the dog. One the animal is 8 and two they are pack animals. She can't take it to university anyway unless it's a support dog. You have others so don't sweat that.
My DH and I are both one of four as were our parents. No chores, no money.
Your daughter will change I promise. Mine was horrid 14- 18. However she never swore at me or personally abused me. She's lovely now.

She seems to have adequate executive functioning, though? She's showing initiative with taking on and managing additional chores.

Who the f**k spends 7k on a carpet!?

YABU for spending £7k on a carpet for a teen’s bedroom.

YABU for getting rid of pets: you and DH were the adults in the house when you chose to get them, so you’re responsible, not the DC.

‘I’ve just woken her up and told her that two of her pets need to go - myself and DH have been looking after them for the last 6 months. Youngest is upset so I might offer her the pets or rehome them, I don’t know’

You are SO allowed to be livid with her. Did she seriously not thank her grandparents for the car?

18 is a mad age and that post A level era is mad too. She’s really young, developmentally - full maturity doesn’t happen until at least 25 etc. Not suggesting that you should tolerate this horrific behaviour, just saying that a cnty phase in late teens does not a permanent cnt make…she’s got a lot of live experience ahead of her and you giving her a virtual kick up the chuff now will def pay dividends 🤣

I really think this may have been brewing for years and changed circumstances mean you are focussing in on it more. Something has to change.

Good for you OP. I have a lovely polite funny teenage DS who has 3 washing baskets full of clothes in his room he hasn't put away, sovI blocked hus phobe until he did it! It's highly annoying! It sounds like you've basically got a good kid who got used to being cut a lot of slack during exams, thought she could just carry on and has now realised she can't so is trying to make amends. Good for you (and her!)

She sounds totally spoilt.

"When did I say I was taking her dog away! ??!!! RTFT"

Here:

‘I’ve just woken her up and told her that two of her pets need to go - myself and DH have been looking after them for the last 6 months. Youngest is upset so I might offer her the pets or rehome them, I don’t know’

"Don’t make stuff up."

You sound quite inconsistent, reactive and 'busy' yourself @adultnotadult - if your DD is struggling with undiagnosed ADHD - maybe have a think if you have similar traits?

this whole post screams say you’re rich and snobby without saying you’re rich and snobby 😬

@adultnotadult are you here to vent, or do you actually want advice?