FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

Maybe advertise for a sharer/loaner for the horse? If she is going to Uni anyway then it wouldn't be a bad idea to think about someone else picking up the slack?

Well done you. All sounds so hard. And I totally get the giving them some
slack over the A level period. Siblings are all so different and they can’t all be patented identically so I think you’ve done a great thing by you and your husband considering what are the basics you expect then also leaving some battles well alone if they’re not essential. In a few years this will be a distant memory and she’ll be living independently!

Admiral are shite if you actually need to claim. My car was stolen and wrote off and multiple operators lied about timings and process whilst I was left carless. They paid compensation for it but at that point they’d already caused me a lot of not needed stress!

OP to be truthful she sounds spoilt. You’ve raised a spoilt brat and now it’s rearing its head.

Honestly, some of this is really of your own making.

I empathise, I had a DC with severe behavioural challenges, I know what it's like to be treated poorly. But I've had to learn not to give him freedoms and privileges that he cannot handle. It's on you to set limits around what you will and won't do (what carpet you put in the room, when and where you offer lifts, whether you pay for an activity), and at the moment it sounds like a lot of your anger and frustration is flaring because you aren't holding boundaries with her.

Do you not think it’s essential to say thank you to your grandparents when they gift you a car?

@adultnotadult for what it’s worth, I think you sound like you have navigated the tricky exam period really well and are also being entirely proportionate in your cracking down now. I hope calm is restored! (Please don’t put the bunnies in a pie 🥧 🤣)

That’s what I was wondering …

Glad she's turned a corner OP and that things seem to be a bit better.

I'm not saying you should ignore thoughtless or rude behaviour, but quite a lot of kids need a bit of time to decompress and regroup after taking their exams.

That doesn't mean she gets to be rude or to skip her share of the chores. But recognising that she might be a bit emotionally wiped now could be helpful.

I know you don't think the £7k carpet matters as it's the principle but perhaps it wasn't the wisest decision. How did the nail varnish get on the carpet - did she spill it accidentally? Teens can be clumsy as their brains are still developing, so while no one wants nail varnish on a new carpet, such a huge investment was maybe not a great idea. I know hindsight is a wonderful thing and you were just trying to do something lovely for her. Getting nail varnish on a cheaper carpet would still be an annoyance - but not even close to having a £7k carpet ruined! To use your analogy, it's much easier and cheaper to replace the £3 necklace than the expensive diamond one...

I have a 15yr old DS who's got dyspraxia (amongst other things) and he tries so hard but he's still as clumsy as hell. I've always felt like accidents are accidents, and it's not fair to tell someone off for something they didn't mean to do. Accidents do happen. Even to adults. And sometimes the person is so embarrassed that they can act as if they don't care, but it's just a way of masking how mortified they are.

Hopefully the rest of the summer goes smoothly now you've had it all out.

When I read 'pets' I thought "I bet she has rabbits"

While legally she is an adult , and the care should be down to her , it always ends up that parents pick up the slack .
Dogs and horses are difficult enough to look after in heatwaves
Rabbits can die
heat stroke or fly strike .
Horrible way to go .
What is she planning to do with them when she goes - are they being looked after by younger DD?

And yeah , this is what I took from this thread

Why have you spoilt her? I have a friend like this. Lay down the law. She is isn’t living in a hotel.

Don't know if you answered this @adultnotadult but does she have a job?

I don’t have any useful advice but I just want to say I commiserate: DD doesn’t look after anything and I already can’t afford a lot to begin with. I feel like I’m constantly replacing things at home that really shouldn’t have to replaced. It gets costly fast, but it’s the disrespect that gets under my skin.

Mine decided to skip uni in person altogether, but for what it’s worth I think your DD will grow from the experience.

Please don’t get rid of the pets. It’s not their fault.

You should never buy children pets and expect them to be their responsibility. You can try and engage kids in their care, but animals in a home are living beings and the responsibility for them lies with the adults.

I know your daughter is 18 now, but when you bought the dog 8 years ago she was 10. To say it’s “her dog” to feed and walk etc is absurd. You can’t buy a 10 year old a dog and expect them to take full responsibility for the thing until it dies. A 10 year old can sign up to the kind of commitment rationally.

OP, sorry to be like a dog with a bone but you said she was learning in the car and then you said it wasn't insured. You didn't answer my question

Disgusting that she has to thank her grandparents on her hands and bloody knees.

Appalling (but not surprising) that she’s not up at the crack to muck out/turn out-are you on DIY or have them at home? I’ve seen so many teens lose interest at that age. Is the horse going to be ridden by anyone else or would you put it on loan?

I’d say re-home the bunnies, she’s going to uni in September? Locally?

Be fierce, don’t allow food in her room, my friend’s daughter ended up with maggots in her room because of this. She sounds like she’s had a big wake up call today and crucially, it sounds like you and your Dh are on the same page: keep on at her, there is no reason she can’t look after her own animals in between having driving lessons. No lifts unless she plays ball.

I think 18 year olds can be worse than toddlers.

Well done @adultnotadult you got there in the end with her, and that’s all that matters 💐

September will soon be here!

Rubbish.
In most cases daughters are approached with understanding.
This one is taking the almighty piss - in fact, she's abusive in her attitude and demands. Time to get real.

I’m trying to say this gently…. You made her!
Be the grown up, get a grip and take charge! She’s running rings round you ffs!!

Doesn't she have a job? If not, where does she get the money to go out? I don't know anyone who got pocket money after being 16. How does she afford insurance etc for the car? If it's the grandparents, are they aware of how she's treating you? Admittedly my parents weren't well off, but I paid them some money out of my wages every week, while I did my A-levels and part-time jobs, and from what older friends tell me, that's pretty normal still. Some of our neighbours have older kids who haven't moved out, and apparently they save the rent their adult child gives them so when they do move out, they've got something for a deposit. Keeping their room basically tidy/not leaving food around doesn't seem a lot to ask, along with doing a share of household chores. Kids who don't tend to have a difficult time at uni/when they get their own place.

But the whole point is that it ISN’T arbitrary. No one is suggesting the OP cuts off any help or support because her daughter has turned 18. They’re suggesting it because her daughter thinks she can behave like a selfish, demanding little bitch who is beyond reproach.

Get together with the grandparents to take the car back as she can't be bothered to thank them for it.

Hi, I have 4 kids and can honestly say it's not the age because at the moment my 15 year old is so incredibly entitled it's untrue. It's just that they all need putting back in their 'box'. It reminds me of when they were really young and ill. At that point you'd let them watch TV, eat what they fancied, stroke their hair etc etc. Then they got better but expected everything to continue just so. This is because during her exams and all the horrible stress she was under you tiptoed around her. Now you need to reassert the rules. It's horrible but worth it. You have all my sympathy. Good luck.

That’s exactly why I said “some”. I’m sure that daughters who are approached with understanding have loving and secure relationships with their mothers.

Daughters that are told “behave or fuck off”; who watch their family sit around a table eating dinner whilst they make their own food; who aren’t given any money whilst their siblings are - are not going to like their mother are they? And it’s that mother that will be crying over it when they don’t see their grandkids as much as they’d like.

A bratty 18 year old asking for a lift and leaving mouldy food in her room is not abusive. A mother behaving in the way you suggest certainly might be.

Face it. The mother in this scenario is being used. Badly.