FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

I don’t think you are a bad parent personally. Having a privileged and wealthy lifestyle has its trappings however and I dare say that the rest of us would also struggle in a similar way to raise grateful children. Feeling gratitude is often very situational and in the case of wealthier children, it might take them longer to get there.

My DD was a bit similar with the mess and bad attitude even at 18 but had grandma bought her a car, she definitely would have been on her knees with gratitude because it would have made a big difference to her life getting to her jobs, school etc. She saved up for her first car from her wages (while also going to uni) and I am so glad she had.

It came to light also that she had similar mental health issues to one of her grandparents, that explained a lot of her surely behaviour as a teenager. Since it’s been treated, I can see a big difference in her. She successfully moved out after finishing university, got a graduate position and has been in a very stable relationship for 3 years with a lovely young man.

So long story short, being like that at 18 doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the world and she’s too spoiled to change. Your daughter will probably undergo growth when she moves out and meets people from different walks of life. I would probably encourage her to volunteer, if you can.

There is a theory that the shittiness of teenagers is an emotional survival trait that prepares child and parents in readiness for independence. Everyone is so relieved not to be sharing a house that the separation is welcomed instead of mourned.

I think you've left it a bit late to do much to change her behaviour in the next 3 months. Pick your battles (like thanking grandparents). Back off from being involved in or facilitating her plans. Treat her like an adult, have sensible, calm discussions about the future of her room and pets when she leaves. Possibly look at insisting that she pay for a professional deep clean once she moves out, if she doesn't start caring for her room (practice for dealing with renting). Let her get on with the summer. Wave her off with a huge sigh of relief.
The person who you enjoyed being around at 12,13,14 will return.

Sometimes it does just take losing your shit and telling them how rude, ungrateful and entitled their behaviour is and that you are fucking ashamed of them. Teens are selfish creatures and sometimes you have to assert yourself.

I wouldn’t be paying for driving lessons!

It does t sound to me like most posters here have had 18 year olds in recent years.

it isn’t like a generation ago…

I have a dd the same age

i wanted her to do the best she could in her exams so had no expectations of housework during this last year.

she’s never cooked the whole family a meal.

her room usually is messy, no mouldy food but a few cups out, some stuff on the floor. It’s not the end of the world.

she too has a pet and gets nagged to do the care.

id never get a 10 year old a pet and expect them to look after it - that is grossly irresponsible of you!

kids are going to spill in rooms. Dont spend £7k on any kids carpet! More money than sense. She won’t care about that because she knows you can easily afford it.

the lifestyle of 5 bed ‘forever’ house, 4 horses, multiple pets, free car for the unlicensed - it’s elite. Do you think she should respect you just because you are wealthy?

the shouting and calling her names is poor parenting.

money isn’t a get out of that.

I get it OP. I have a similar teenager and I have had to come down on her like an absolute tonne of bricks. It’s miserable for everyone but it seems to be working. She doesn’t even ask for lifts now because she took the piss so much me and DH both rebelled.

She is also ultra hard working at college and an absolute delight to everyone but her immediate family. It’s infuriating!

Seeing as MN took away the laughing emoji…

😝😝😝

Oh yes the hell of the 18 - 20 years. Old enough for the first taste of freedom but still dependent on family for finances and a roof over their head. It is like the toddler years all over again but with a louder mouth!

You need to set clear boundaries and stick to them, let them make their own mistakes and most importantly, fix them by themself. Of course be there for advice, as being an adult is darn hard, especially in this day and age.

Do not worry about cleaning her room. Just close the door. No lifts unless pre-arranged or a real emergency. When you are both calm have a sit down chat about expectations and what will be happening when she is off to uni.

Hopefully, after a couple of terms at uni, she will mature a bit and home life will be a little easier.

OP, I was reading the thread with interest as my eldest (also just finished A Levels) was needing a massive prod up the arse to keep a routine/get back on track. I gave him a week to chill and then have had to chivvy him to get back on track with doing stuff around the house/garden/with the DCats. Like your DD, my DS is a good lad overall - polite, kind, respectful, helpful, loving etc. Like your DD, he'd slipped somewhat with that....and like you, I gave leeway due to revision (I'm normally very strict with stuff like housework etc - after XH, I couldn't stand the thought of me bringing my son up to not know how to cook/clean/tidy/take responsibility for this sort of thing etc).

He does have a part time job (two shifts a week) and has just increased his shifts. I've told him that if he thinks he can socialise/doss with mates all day/night and not get stuck in with work, housework/gardening, helping with the pets etc, then he has another think coming. So far, so good. I really like your idea of getting your DD cooking family meals. I think I'll get him to do that too - he can cook and does it well. He's not planning on uni (wants to join up, so is working towards that too).

I remember when I got my first dog, and was told I must help look after doggo and be kind to her, because humans have all sorts happening in their lives, our dogs have only their humans. Expecting a child to look after their dog and feed it is reasonable, it involves care of a living being, and I doubt OP will get rid of the dog. Same goes for the horse. It's not these animals' fault the DD is being a brat, if she is 18, she is old enough to look after her animals. Being an adult is about keeping up your obligations more than it is about your new privileges.

But it’s not ‘the property of others’. In her mind it’s just her home. And she didn’t ask to be born into some ‘forever home’ (puke) and have a diamond encrusted carpet. Jeez 🙄

And as for ‘…reflect on her and her family…’ are you joking? Have you seen uni accommodation lately? No university student gives a hoot about how it ‘reflects’ on their family. 😆

I agree on the ‘big wake up call’ though. She will have a big wake up call as to how stifling her home life was, and she’ll only ever come home out of a sense of duty, not because she’s relaxed and welcome there.

Aaaaahhh this sounds so hard.

Go easy on yourself. You’ve obviously raised a good one if she’s been so successful and well thought of at school. A levels/teenagers and now that endless summer with little direction can be mental to negotiate and it sounds like you’re pulling back the slack that was needed for exams.

We often over estimate what our kids are capable of due to how they present to others/at school and need to remember that even at 18 they still need us to guide them and set boundaries. We often say here “remember their brains aren’t quite fully developed yet!” (Not til they’re about 25!!! 🙄😂😬).

When I lost my shit in the week my husband gently reminded me it was a result of letting our boundaries slip - leading to the frustration mounting etc. Extraordinary times like a levels require changes, and then to pull it back. Xxx

Ibget why you lost the plot. Some teenagers are so lazy compared to when we were that age.
I was single parent so no disposable income to buy car etc. I decided not to get stroppy about it and left her room, just tsking dishes out, and if she asked for something new ai said calmly that it would be a no because it would end up on her floor. They grow up when they leave home and appreciate us more

So you lived in a pig sty too? Uni does not automatically equate to squalor lolol. Some kids have been raised correctly, and yes, no doubt her parents hard earned cash paid for the house she lives in, so she could at least have some respect for it.

That was my thought we bought decent carpets with fitting and underlay for big living room 2 decent sized bedrooms and a long hall we were only 3500 for everything

Tidy and clean bedrooms are not negotiable in our house. If they don’t do it I do. I go in even if it’s 9am and tidy and hoover around them. If they don’t want me on their rooms then they need to do it themselves.

Yes you need boundaries. I stopped reading at the 2nd paragraph
She's entitled because you allowed this,
She can volunteer literally anywhere. Homeless project. Primary school..

She needs a life lesson.

@aCatCalledFawkes she's not driving it though is she? She can't drive. And from what OP has posted, isn't that bothered about learning to drive.

Oh, Mumsnet 🤣 Sometimes parents of teens will post in here that they’ve lost their shit and gone “tough love” and posters will pile on, saying that they’re not adults yet and they might be depressed and go easy on them and blah blah. Then a post like this will come along, saying the parents have tried to be kind and understanding, and everyone piles on about how the teen is question is a spoiled brat and the parents have made them this way and it’s all their fault.

OP, I haven’t read the entire thread but I feel for you. My oldest is 18 in a few weeks and I do honestly adore him, he’s so funny and truly clever and capable of great kindness…but other times his sense of entitlement has me to the point where I could cheerfully shake him until his teeth rattle.

It’s a hard age. I don’t want to give any advice because honestly none of us know what we’re doing and I’m sure it’s already been said anyway, but for me the easiest way is just: you do x or else x. As in “you need to take out the garbage and put a bag in the can or you can’t take the car to your friend’s” and then refuse to discuss it. In your case I’d start with “you need to call your grandparents and thank them PROPERLY or else…” whatever punishment you can think of.

I love all the perfect parents on here elbowing their way to the front to let everyone know how right they have done it. Well done - take a bow! Reminds me of my mil when she had dh and he was the perfect baby - easy as hell and wasn't she just smug with it - decided all the other mothers just didn't know how to do it. The next baby event didn't quite reflect as well on her parenting skills.

OP take a breath - be careful not to overreact that will make things as bad as doing nothing. When you are feeling a bit less annoyed and come up with a plan for the summer - agree on a way forward with sensible rules with your dh's support present them to your dd. The aim is consistency so don't blow hot and cold - gentle firmness that you can reasonably maintain in the long term. Uni doesn't sort them out - they'll likely come back and still be nightmares at home, even if they are the tidiest flatmate.

I've had my fair share of arguments with my young adults - they present themselves to the outside world as polite, hard-working and conscientious people - but at home, things can be just as tricky, sometimes more so when they come back.

At times, I have done too much for them, and that very self-centred young person has said thanks but still asks for more - the boundaries have had to be pulled down - they quickly adapt. The tidiness thing though - that's a struggle for some more than others. I have a no food outside the kitchen rule, I've had it since the year dot - the bedrooms can be a tip but keeping the food out of them means they cease to be a health hazard.
For tidying, I focus on policing the shared areas, which impact me more and keep the bedroom doors shut. Good luck - 18 years old is still a work in progress - I had hoped they'd be fully formed adults by then - of course, they are not.

OP, I know it can get tough and glad you seem to have turned things around.

However, it does seem a bit like you’ve gone from 0 to 100…… you’ve mentioned ‘gentle conversations’ and ‘leaving her in peace’ and she’s gone from that to being screamed at, threatened to have two pets rehomed, refused lifts, having her room forcibly entered and stuff chucked in bin bags, forced to do a huge number of chores, and yelled at when she says she is exhausted, etc etc…. All in one go….prompted by…. Her saying she needed a lift one day?

it sounds like you’ve been building like a pressure cooker, more and more for months and months- her oblivious, and now you have exploded and gone on a bit of a power drive and treated her like she’s absolutely awful, with stuff piling one on the other on top of her in a way that to her will feel without much warning.

I think that’s much better than carrying on letting her be a spoilt brat…. But it’s also not entirely fair.

it sounds to me like you need to nourish the ‘uncompromising, absolutely firm requirements’ zone that comes between gentle conversation and war. First day, after getting the car…’you haven’t thanked grandma? That’s atrocious. You absolutely have to do that. Go do it now. There will be zero lifts until that is done. Second day - still not done? We will withdraw our contribution to car insurance for the first year if it’s not done by end of day. Courtesy and thanking for gifts is a non negotiable and if you are under this roof you do it.’ Calm, but zero negotiation level of firm. each issue separately with separate consequences.

then if you have a pile up of stuff. You sit her down in same firm mode. ‘You worked really hard for your exams and we are proud of you. I know how exhausted you are and hopefully the last two weeks undisturbed has helped a bit. But you need to understand that the whole family have been picking up your slack. I have done xxxx for you…. Dad has done….. siblings….. we are glad to have supported you through this important time, but I’d suggest you extend a big thank you to each individual when you can, so they know you appreciate and see it. And it’s now it’s time for you to start picking back up. I know it’s tough and you still feel very tired, so you can take the rest of the day today just to be in shock and get you head around it and rest up. And we can even have a transition period. From tomorrow, I want you back to doing x,,y and z. Then from next week, you’re fully ramped back up. Yes I know it feels tough, but there’s no negotiation on this one. You can’t let others carry your weight forever. Time to step back up. Love you”. (And leave room like there’s no debate to be had.)

I guess it’s the 40-60 zone between 0 and 100. When it’s super firm but still not angry and personally condemning - the feel is simply: ‘I see you, appreciate you, but I’m the parent and here’s what is happening now’ tone….. do you think you need to do a bit more of that with her?

@Elderflower2016

this! Thanking her grandparents for buying her a CAR is an essential! So ungrateful

@Screamingabdabz

its not her home though, it’s her parents home. So she needs to show respect. When she is renting or paying her own mortgage she can live like a slob all she wants but when living with others she can’t.

are you really suggesting she should be left to crack on with a dirty room full of mouldy food and not saying thank you to her grandparents just so that she feels welcome to visit when older?!

It's her home.
I do agree with all your other points, though.

@Mildorado

no it’s her parents house and their house house, their rules which she must respect.