FFS get out of bed and do some stuff

[adultnotadult]

Two weeks ago she finished her A levels. 18. Place at uni. We moved house in March and she promised a new start that she would finally clean and organise her stuff. Never happened despite made to measure wardrobes, desk and shelving her choosing £1 K of stuff she wanted. She got the biggest child bedroom as she bullied the other three into it - we refused to give it to her and made her draw lots but she won fair and square and got the biggest child room. It’s massive. She doesn’t open the windows. Nice brand new carpets and nail varnish all over them. 7 K carpet. This is our forever house.

We have one child older lives on her own and two others. All of the others work as a team.

Rules about no food up in rooms - no it’s full of fucking mouldy food - I’ve just been up there. Two weeks of doing nothing literally in bed until 2 pm, no help no cooking no cleaning - from January she’s not helped claiming revision so I thought back off and leave her. Literally nothing. I’ve done her animals.

This morning I had to call and call her to go to go to an expensive weekly activity I had scream at her to come down for an hour. Woke her up and asked her gently to get up I have to pay for it - if she is a no show. She turned up sneered at me and did her activity and not even a thank you when I paid.

She got a bloody car for her birthday a week ago off grandparents - has she even phoned them or sent a card to say thank you - no she fucking hasn’t. Ungrateful brat. I’m disgusted.

She then sneered at me in the car to it saying we need to leave at 12.30 to go to x (about 30 minute car journey away) as there are no buses. I said I’ve booked to take younger sister to the lido this afternoon and swimming etc you said you didn’t want to come. She said I don’t but me and 3 of my friends need taking to x village where we are meeting some friends so you will have time to do that and get back for the lido. Her friends are arriving at 12.30. She’s done fuck all today. I’ve been up since 5am. I’ve lost my shit and gone up to her room and started black sacking stuff and binning anything on the floor. I’ve told her she not going if her room isn’t tidy and I’m not giving her any lifts. None.

We’ve all tiptoed around her moods and attitudes especially during revision and exam stress. I’ve told her to sort her own uber out, I’m not one. She was upstairs screaming and crying but I’ve reached breaking point. We had months of gentle conversations and trying to talk to her reasonably and I’ve just lost it. It’s gone quiet now and it sounds like she is tidying. DH isn’t here / he’s gone to see his folks and I’ve got 3 kids who are lovely and one that is like this.

I do root for her and love her but right now this second I don’t like her very much.

My head is pounding. The entitlement of her.

Ok you’re painting different picture OP now

also she just sorted out laundry , my adhd ds13 is expected to do this , your expectations are low!

if you didn’t haven’t a problem in the first place you wouldn’t have been here ..

I’m always baffled by this MN obsession about teenagers’ rooms and people having a fit of the vapours that they’re messy. Is this a middle class thing? Why does anyone give a flying shite what mess teenagers have in their own space? Does it fucking matter?

And chores… OMG chores. Why just why? Let them be young and concentrate on school and hobbies and their mates. Jeez if they’re bright enough to go to uni they’ll pick it up. Washing dishes and doing laundry is hardly brain surgery.

IDK I’m an old woman but I do feel sorry for these kids in the prime of their lives being constantly harangued by uptight house-proud chore-obsessed parents. No wonder they get stroppy and kick off. I feel for them. Thank God they can run away to uni.

Slightly off topic but veygo does temp insurance for teens. Seems mad to have her sat around with a car until August when she could be out practising supervised by an adult.

Presumably her horse and dog are staying home whilst she goes off to university.
Why don't you ask her if she wants to keep the horse, as its hers, or loan it out or sell it, then she can pay for her own stuff? Horses are not cheap, and for me, don't come under pet headings.

Presumably she won't be returning home after university, she might want a year travelling ( flash packing, no doubt) but you can't keep moaning about the horse if you won't get rid of it.

Anyway, she needs to sort her bedroom out, and let another sibling have the pleasure of a big bedroom. This is normal and she should be helping make this happen. She shouldn't hold this power nor want to.

As for the car, she can't take it to uni, so its just more expense. I'd get rid of that too, and put the money aside for when she finishes and actually needs a car.

She is an adult now. She must surely have some common sense. Talk to her sensibly about things. Having money doesn't mean you have to spend it.

I’ve just read all the above post, and quite honestly, this situation is of your own making. I’ve got four kids, all different personalities, but goodness me, their stuff would have been in bin bags after two weeks. At 18 she can vote, she could get married, have kids (heaven forbid), and leave home. She’s equipped for none of this. The not helping is shameful. She’ll certainly have to buck her ideas up if she expects to last even one term at uni. If she house shares she’ll soon be put in her place if she acts the same way. I feel sorry for your other kids.

Why does anyone give a flying shite what mess teenagers have in their own space? Does it fucking matter?

If there is mouldy, rotten food in a bedroom in the house then it will attract flies and eventually affect the whole house. I don’t think it’s a ‘middle class thing’ to care about that.
Equally if someone is hoarding dirty cups and plates in their bedroom, it means there is less to be used by everyone else in the house.

Sorry but she is a spoilt ungrateful brat. And is behaving like one.

Sorry but she is a spoilt ungrateful brat. And is behaving like one.

Part time job and tough love I think , but you are being too soft.You are the parent

Maybe because at 18 they should have been taught some respect for the property of others. To be kind and helpful. Not to live like a pig in a sty. How is that going to reflect on her and her family when she gets to uni? And that’s “if” she gets to uni, because it sounds as if she doesn’t give two hoots about anything except having everyone at her beck and call so she can have a good time with her mates. Big wake up call coming her way I think.

I didn’t say I was rehoming the dog or horses. She has two bad tempered dwarf rabbits. She hadn’t really bothered with them for 6 months (she has cleaned them out periodically) but has sometimes been leaving me and DH to clean them out and feed them - they have a huge outdoor pen and hutch and indoors for winter. I’m not a big fan of the rabbits I admit and this was more me not wanting to go in the mornings and check water and food etc whilst she’s in bed. But they aren’t be left whilst she’s in bed all day. If she wants rabbits she gets up am and pm to check them and cleans them out twice a week. She wanted them, she takes responsibility.

In my mind when you sign up to animals you sign up to them for good, to take them to the vet and do the best by them. DH has been going out or I every morning to sort said rabbits.
It was these I was referring to, again another point - she has cleaned them out today and seems on board with them now.

But I have mentioned that if she can’t get up for them or look after them perhaps another home is needed (DH is a softy with the rabbits though 🤣so I can’t see this happening) this was more said to try to get to her to smarten her act up with her jobs and out of sheer frustration! All the girls have animals - as do we as a couple - but you walk them, clear up their crap etc and this always used to be the case with her.

Executive functioning would be doing these chores consistently and well from now on. Not a burst of activity this afternoon and nothing more next week or the one after…

Thanks we will look into this!

Shit parenting - lovely

We did admiral on a car my DD learnt in. We now have a multi car policy with them.

Spoilt brat alert
sorry OP but you have created a monster
how can you let her go an hour without contacting her grandparents??? Drive her round tonight with flowers and a thank you card.

You’re the adult homeowners: the rabbits (and horses and dogs) are your responsibility. Silly to threaten to get rid of them when you had no intention of doing so.

Years of the OPs making. She's been rewarded with the best room board lodging expensive furniture expects lifts for her and friends that level of entitlement taking years to build.

Mmm. Tricky to diagnose from afar, though.

OP you've had plenty of advice.
Start tomorrow with 'good morning sunshine'.
Today's a new day. You could get a whistle (I tried that). It hurts their ears apparently.

But if they brought the car to her surely she said thank you face to face straight away to them!?

This hasn't happened overnight has it?
Take the car keys off her to start with and maybe start setting some boundaries. If she doesn't stick to it sell the car.
And leave her to it. Don't pay for activities.
It's weird time... suddenly she's left school and is about to start out in the world. She's probably as scared as she is excited about starting uni and right now she doesn't know what to do with herself.
You'll probably find once she starts uni and living independently she'll grow up a lot.

If it doesn’t bloody matter what the cost of the carpet is then why did you mention it in your OP?

Of course it matters. Firstly because the cost to you is enormous when she ruins it. Secondly because it shows a lack of judgment on your part in spending so much on a carpet for a teenager who, with the best will in the world, is very unlikely to treat it with the respect that you might expect if in one of the main living rooms. And thirdly because it shows how you have indulged your DD to an extent whereby she has an expectation that she will have the finest things in life handed to her on a plate regardless of her behaviour. (See also car from DGP.)

You do realise don't you that generally you buy the car in the name of the person driving it? If the daughter is now the owner you can't just sell it without her signing the paperwork! But also that defeats the object of trying to get her to do something over the summer by limiting what she can do. Learning to drive would at least get her out of the house and also give her a reason to look for a job etc... Teenagers are ballache but the more you restrict them the more they push back.

You are the one mentioning the cost of the carpet, so obviously it matters a lot to you.

Card to Granny has now been done under duress. DH went to his parents yesterday and insisted she got up and did the card before he left. He stood there with the card and pen and stood over her.

This is pathetic. As soon as she got the car the natural reaction should be to FaceTime straight away saying thank you a million times, simply because you are so happy getting a car for free.