17 year old is pregnant

Snowpatrolling · 2025-05-26T15:23:31+00:00

Hi, im not sure what I’m asking for here, my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant. she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed. im financially struggling with no family support, my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms. had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game. im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore. their dad is not on the scene, somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

Crisisorchangeofheart · 26/05/2025 16:25

Has she said what she wants to do ? Once you know then you can support and also put boundaries in place as you sound like you have a very busy life

Zov · 26/05/2025 16:25

Will she be 18 when baby is born? She may get some benefits to help you all.

Does she definitely want to keep it?

Sorry you're going through this.

TeenToTwenties · 26/05/2025 16:27

Things will sort one way or another.

Talk with her what support you are / are not willing / able to provide so she can make an informed decision. How old is BF? Are you in contact with his parents?

samlovesdilys · 26/05/2025 17:59

That is a lot to deal with at once, can I suggest you talk to your GP about your feelings, and encourage your daughter to talk to a HCP about her situation if you are struggling to be level headed. Then you can formulate a plan moving forward.

babystarsandmoon · 26/05/2025 18:05

I would be making time for the two of you to have a serious conversation.

She can’t be pregnant and continue to smoke weed.
Lay out the reality to her that it is serious and not a game.
Get professionals involved.

MNHQ

ImaniMumsnet · 26/05/2025 18:14

Hi OP,

*We're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP. We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Mental Health page. Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

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https://www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

Readytohealnow · 26/05/2025 18:16

You make it clear that if she keeps it you will not be rearing it and if she continues to smoke weed you will be reporting her.

WisePearlPoet · 26/05/2025 18:20

I'm sorry this is happening on top of everything else. There's a lot to unpick here.
You say her bf is a knob, she smokes weed and has been a problem since the age of 14. Anyone who says a baby will force her to grow up is wrong, there is a real possibility that you become carer for the baby and I think it's wise to look at worst case scenario and how you might cope with it, or do you even want to.
Has your DD told you what she wants to do?
Is it feasible for her to live with you whilst caring for a child?
Would it be safe for her to live independently with a baby?
Where would The knobhead bf fit in?
Does your DD understand the danger of exposing a child in utero to drugs and would she understand that children's services would ultimately become involved it she didn't stop.
How do you feel about bringing another child up, or if it's possible supporting your dd to do it. Does she know how many weeks pregnant she is?

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 26/05/2025 18:23

Do you want to bring up this baby? If not, then I would kick her out. Hopefully that will flag her to the council and also to social services which should mean that support for both her and the baby will kick in.

this is a cruel to be kind moment. She is going to need to leave your house.

justkeepswimingswiming · 26/05/2025 18:24

Unless you want to be bringing up the baby for the next 18 years - kick her out, it’s time she has a reality check.

LoveTheLake525 · 26/05/2025 18:30

You will all be OK 🤗😘

They both need you, it's not easier for them if you disappear!!

it's a very tough situation you're in & you sound (understandably) exhsusted, but you can get through this xx

You're going to need to explain to her that having a termination is an option that's open to her that you would support (if you would?!) often teenagers fear their parents would disapprove so keep the baby. Then if she says she's 'keeping the baby' explain how much physically & emotionally you'd be able/willing to support her. Tell her that no matter what she has 'heard' she won't just be given a house/benefits (whatever else she's expecting). That she will need childcare, which isn't easy to access & is expensive when she goes back to work.

I think decide what you can/can't offer her before talking to her.

lots of 🤗

Original poster

Snowpatrolling · 26/05/2025 18:33

Thankyou for the messages.
she wants to keep it.
ive only just turned 40, boyfriend is a little criminal. Claiming pip with no desire to work.
the house they stay in is damp and mouldy, and have a dog that shits everywhere. she thinks she can get a mother and baby unit there. I’ve told her social will be involved, she says no problem. I’ve told her she needs to stop smoking weed as not good for baby. She says it helps with sickness and knobheads sister smoked 5 joints a day and was fine.
she says it’s ok cos I’ll claim universal credit.
Ive told her if she’s here I cannot help with night feeds or baby sitting as I’m working 2 jobs to survive.
she’s on fluoxetine to stabilise her mood swings so I need to ring GP tomorrow and find out how I go about midwife care and if this medication ok to take.
Everytime I make a suggestion re weed she tells me it’s ok she knows what she’s doing.
if I have to take her of my UC claim I’m not gonna be able to afford my rent. I’m just done at this point. If I didn’t have my youngest I wouldn’t think twice about running away.

OP posts:

Baggingarea · 26/05/2025 18:42

Op not an easy decision but you urgently need to raise the weed smoking while pregnant with social services. You clearly don't have a relationship with dd where you can enforce any sort of discipline so concentrate your efforts into her not ruining a child's life/health. If she is smoking weed, then what else is she doing that you don't know about?

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 26/05/2025 18:47

Snowpatrolling · 26/05/2025 18:33

Thankyou for the messages.
she wants to keep it.
ive only just turned 40, boyfriend is a little criminal. Claiming pip with no desire to work.
the house they stay in is damp and mouldy, and have a dog that shits everywhere. she thinks she can get a mother and baby unit there. I’ve told her social will be involved, she says no problem. I’ve told her she needs to stop smoking weed as not good for baby. She says it helps with sickness and knobheads sister smoked 5 joints a day and was fine.
she says it’s ok cos I’ll claim universal credit.
Ive told her if she’s here I cannot help with night feeds or baby sitting as I’m working 2 jobs to survive.
she’s on fluoxetine to stabilise her mood swings so I need to ring GP tomorrow and find out how I go about midwife care and if this medication ok to take.
Everytime I make a suggestion re weed she tells me it’s ok she knows what she’s doing.
if I have to take her of my UC claim I’m not gonna be able to afford my rent. I’m just done at this point. If I didn’t have my youngest I wouldn’t think twice about running away.

he’s on fluoxetine to stabilise her mood swings so I need to ring GP tomorrow and find out how I go about midwife care and if this medication ok to take

You can’t do anything. You’re not the patient. She’s the one who needs to be phoning and arranging midwife care. No one will speak to you about a competent 17 year old’s prenatal care.

if she won’t do it, phone social services and let her deal with them.

Original poster

Snowpatrolling · 26/05/2025 19:12

Whatsgoingonherethenagain · 26/05/2025 18:47

he’s on fluoxetine to stabilise her mood swings so I need to ring GP tomorrow and find out how I go about midwife care and if this medication ok to take

You can’t do anything. You’re not the patient. She’s the one who needs to be phoning and arranging midwife care. No one will speak to you about a competent 17 year old’s prenatal care.

if she won’t do it, phone social services and let her deal with them.

Show quote history

I have permission to talk on her behalf due to behavioural issues and mental health.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowpatrolling · 26/05/2025 19:13

Baggingarea · 26/05/2025 18:42

Op not an easy decision but you urgently need to raise the weed smoking while pregnant with social services. You clearly don't have a relationship with dd where you can enforce any sort of discipline so concentrate your efforts into her not ruining a child's life/health. If she is smoking weed, then what else is she doing that you don't know about?

Having unprotected sex clearly.
I already feel shit enough.

OP posts:

Baggingarea · 26/05/2025 19:29

Snowpatrolling · 26/05/2025 19:13

Having unprotected sex clearly.
I already feel shit enough.

Show quote history

I meant what other drugs she is taking, OP. My message is not meant to be hurtful but rather a hard truth in a difficult situation. That baby should be your priority - and you need to intervene or you will have it on your conscience.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/05/2025 19:33

Make it clear to her that you will not be raising her baby. I'd also tell her that if she's smoking weed, social services will be involved eventually.

Time for her to grow up.

CC222 · 26/05/2025 19:35

This is a really difficult situation and she sounds very naive and irresponsible. Is there any adult close to her that she would listen to if they were to give some advice about the true hard reality of her decision to continue with the pregnancy and carry on living the way she is? Can social services be involved now to get her to realise how much involvement they will have if she doesn’t start taking serious responsibility for her actions in order to raise a baby in a safe environment?
Additionally is there anyone you can talk to, to help you with your mental well-being currently?

namepains · 26/05/2025 19:36

Why does she want to keep the baby @Snowpatrolling when she clearly isn’t in a place physically or mentally to have a baby? Is it for the benefits? I think that she won’t listen but if she goes through with the baby, and a health visitor sees dog faeces in her home, I imagine they’d have to report it to ss which won’t go well if she’ll already have their intervention from the get-go. Unfortunately I think that there’s a real chance that the baby will be removed from her care and either into yours or state-care.

Rainallnight · 26/05/2025 19:38

How far along is she? You should speak seriously to her about termination, and lay out what life is going to be like for her if not.

I reallg feel for you. What a tough situation.

thebiggestmugoftea · 26/05/2025 19:57

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 26/05/2025 18:23

Do you want to bring up this baby? If not, then I would kick her out. Hopefully that will flag her to the council and also to social services which should mean that support for both her and the baby will kick in.

this is a cruel to be kind moment. She is going to need to leave your house.

Kick your teenage daughter out because she's pregnant? Wow.

I'd be scooping her up and letting her know no matter what happens she's safe and always has a home with me.

...

TomatoSandwiches · 26/05/2025 20:08

thebiggestmugoftea · 26/05/2025 19:57

Kick your teenage daughter out because she's pregnant? Wow.

I'd be scooping her up and letting her know no matter what happens she's safe and always has a home with me.

...

Show quote history

Op is clearly at the very end of a frayed tether, her 17DD is nearly a grown adult in term of the law and has created a poor situation.

Op has another child who needs to be considered also, op didn't make the choice to have this baby, her daughter did so she's the one that needs to take responsibility, including housing her own child.

nhsmanagersanonymous · 26/05/2025 20:15

Throwing her out and informing social services is the responsible thing to do. Because otherwise for sure the op will end grappling with a baby who’s been exposed to drugs in utero, has a wastrel father and a mother who still won’t accept the consequences of her actions.
back away op. You can love her without enabling this shit show

Nevertrustacop · 26/05/2025 20:29

thebiggestmugoftea · 26/05/2025 19:57

Kick your teenage daughter out because she's pregnant? Wow.

I'd be scooping her up and letting her know no matter what happens she's safe and always has a home with me.

...

Show quote history

Really? What a ridiculous thing to do. It's odd you say it as if it were a virtue.
OP you are already stressed and this has the potential to tip you over the edge. Step back. Prioritise yourself and your younger child. The the pregnant daughter that you will not be taking on any extra responsibility for her or the baby. If you doubt she is going to prioritise the pregnancy and baby tell her you will contact social services, and do it.
Remind her that the useless bf will only get worse after the baby and she will be tied to him for the rest of her life. Remind her that termination is a very valid option. Do not let her move back in with you!