17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

I have had the chat with her, social services have had the chat with her, friends family schools have had the chat with her, for 3 fucking years we have all had the chat with her.

Gosh op sending you a hug and strength.
very tough place to be in.
I agree that kicking her out is actually the best thing to do because it will hopefully kickstart the help she needs- you don’t have to disappear and can still be supportive.

Before this, I think talking to her about a termination is also sensible.. you say she wants to keep it - is that her definite answer? Does the boyfriend know. What would she do if things didn’t work out with them - obviously quite a likely possibility.

I did also think re you and your headspace that actually her being more independent and living elsewhere would be a lighter load for you to carry. You’ve done your bit as her parent through her childhood - this is the time for her to learn independence. Ok so it’s not ideal and will be a baptism of fire but still it needs to happen and it might be a rocky start but hopefully it will improve and she will become more stable with time as she settles into motherhood. Help her sort the basics out - she needs somewhere to live, some income etc, help her with a budget and hopefully she can take the reigns of her life now.

Best of luck to you. Don’t think you aren’t needed - quite the opposite. Xxx

Is she engaging with ante natal appointments, midwife will refer her to SSD and then she will have to fix up or they may enter pre proceedings.

@WhoreForSoupDumplingsOP is working two jobs to survive. She has a 13 year old who self-harms and is being investigated for autism. Why on earth would you think she wants to take on her drug addled daughter's baby and spend the next 18 years raising it? We're talking about a baby whose teenage mother can't be bothered stopping weed smoking while she's pregnant. It would be far better for everyone if she had a termination.

OP needs to prioritise herself and her 13 year old because their lives matter and they shouldn't be held hostage by a clueless 17 year old who thinks she knows everything. OP should make it utterly clear to her daughter that she is not moving back in with a baby because she will assume that OP will step up and she will be the one doing the night feeds when her daughter can't be bothered. I hope things start to look up for OP.

We’ve all tried, over the past 3 years. She’ll say what she thinks we want to hear then do what she wants anyway. She doesn’t care.

I have made it crystal clear she’s not ready to be a mother if she can’t stop the weed, it was tears and excuse after excuse as to why she needed it.
I haven’t slept, I need to sort car out today then will be making some phone calls. This is a mess I can’t clean up this time. I’m done.

Are you suggesting if someone is ND thats their parents fault?

And the baby inside her doesnt care if the mother is 'coping' by using weed, it only knows shouting, fear, cortisol, getting used to weed, ups and downs, highs and lows.

Thankyou, I have told her she can terminate and made it clear I think this is a big mistake but yes she seems it’s an easy ride to a free house.

I dont want it both ways. She’ll need to leave, she’s killing me. I’ll have to take on a third job.

Never been in this situation but I really feel for you. Seems you’ve tried for years and now this bombshell.

I think you should step away and let her get in with it. She’s never going to listen to you so stop trying. Focus on your younger child.

If your youngest is ND could you apply for DLA (If you haven't already) to fill the UC gap?

Sorry she’s with me most of the time, the BF house is damp and mouldy, this is where she wants to take the baby.

This feel like total panic mode from everyone and that won’t be helping.

how long have you known she’s pregnant? How long has she known?

if you have one child being investigated for ND then you will know that initial reactions to things can be wild and crazy and that people need time to calm down before good decisions can be made. Is there any way that you and her can actively agree to take a day to both calm down before you sit down and talk about things properly?

this sounds like a really hard place for you all to be right now and giving everyone time to breathe might help make the conversation work better for everyone.

It sounds like you have done all you can OP. Try not to be too hard on yourself. If she goes ahead at some point there will be a wake up call. Social services might not even let her take her baby home if she does decide to have it.
I was in the neonatal ward with my eldest as he was premmie and I was shocked to find babies being weaned off drugs and being visited by foster mums. There was a mum on the ward with a perfectly healthy baby but it turned out she wasn't allowed to leave hospital until she had been to court for them to decide if it was safe for her to take her baby home. They decided it wasn't. If she doesn't sort herself out that will likely happen with her.
I don't think there's anything more you can do unless she decides to change and follow the right path, be ready to support her if she does but she has to take responsibility for her choices.

How old is the bf OP? Only asking bcus I fell pregnant at a similar age to her (18) and my bf at the time was 28. Didn’t realise it back then but he took advantage of me. He also lied about pulling out and only told me after it was too late to take the morning after pill.
If you have any concerns about their relationship, focusing on this may be helpful to see the seriousness of bringing a child into this. She won’t want to hear it if she thinks she’s in love, but telling her kindly the realities of single parent hood (as that will be the most likely outcome if her bf is a rubbish man) & being tied to an abusive man forever.

Obviously you can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want; and I think if she still wants to keep the baby you should support her. She will never forget how she is treated by you now, so try your best to be kind as it will stay with her forever. I hope you’re okay, it must be a lot to take in. Hugs.

This. Based on previous responses it sounds like OP doesn’t want to do this as her own UC claim will be negatively affected by daughter moving out.

OP you need to support your pregnant daughter here, to live independently. You can’t keep using her to supplement your own benefit claim.

Only correct answer in my opinion!

.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this…it’s easy to say ‘kick her out’ but in reality it isn’t that simple. She needs tough talk whether she continues with the pregnancy or not…but getting a weed obsessed 17yr old to listen to a parent is nigh on impossible.
I really hope something can be sorted for you all.

Hi I’ve read through the comments, Thankyou.
Ive had 2 hours sleep and feeling lower than ever.
just to answer some questions. The BF is 19. when she asked him for help last night he told her it wasn’t his problem. She’s still saying she wants to move up by him as he has the right to be a father. That’s the only thing that’s made me laugh in 2 days.
She’s actively been trying to get pregnant since she was 14. Myself and social convinced her to get the implant which she did then went and had it removed behind my back at some point, she also have contraceptive pill which she hasn’t taken.
We found out yesterday after I’d picked her up from his and made her take a test. I’ve kinda known all week but she was staying at his so I couldn’t do anything.
I want her to terminate (but she won’t)
ive told her to stop the weed and start saving money. I can’t force either of that.
she has work this morning so when she’s out the house I’ll ring the drs and social services.
I cannot take on this baby if it goes tits up.
im going to let social services deal with it.
she’s being heavily encouraged by BFs family who she seems to trust more than me.
that’s fine.
my priority is making sure the baby ends up safe and on the radar of professionals.
I cannot bear this burden.

I am religious but in this case I would be encouraging an abortion I’m afraid. She doesn’t want to be tied down to her loser bf forever, one day she will get sick of him but they will have that tie because of the baby.

Well obviously that would be the best thing all round, but it's never going to happen. This pregnancy was no accident and she's certainly not going to be taking any advice from the OP on what's best for her. She thinks she knows it all already.

This girl thinks a baby is the convenient answer to all her problems. A better house, more money to spend on weed and no-one breathing down her neck telling her she should either be in education or full time work. And at the moment she does want to be tied down to her loser BF forever. She's every bit the same kind of loser he is.

I think the best thing the OP can do for everyone right now is go straight to social services and her family GP and say that she strongly, strongly recommends that the baby should be removed at birth and put up for adoption. Tell them everthing she knows about both of them. Lay it on thick if necessary. The girl has plenty of time to sort herself out and have more children. This poor child will get one chance only of a half decent start in life.

If she didn't keep rotting her brain and giving herself mood swings and paranoia from the weed then she probably wouldn't need the fluoxetine. Having witnessed someone have a cannibis induced psychotic episode recently, I wouldn't leave a helpless small child anywhere near an addicted weed smoker.

What are these two jobs you already have that still allow you to claim UC and yet aren’t enough to pay rent? Maybe you need to have just one job, that is full time, and can pay for your rent. Your relationship with your daughter may improve if you focus on sorting your own life and finances out rather than having a go at your daughter.

I get part of my rent paid, I dont get extra cash on top of that, I have a full time job and a part time job.
i lost my high paying job back in October.
thankyou for your judgement.

@Snowpatrolling a friend of mine went through something very similar and it did work out ok for her & her daughter in the end.

What she did was detach quite a lot from trying to sort out all her daughter’s problems in life, which she had been doing up until the pregnancy.

She wouldn’t allow her daughter to return home when she wanted to but she did help her with navigating the benefits system, filling out the forms, researching what she was entitled to etc. She gave practical help & emotional support but didn’t allow herself to drown in a sea of problems.

Her daughter was given a council property and over the years she has stabilised a lot. Has a job, a partner and 2 lovely children now, plus a good relationship with her mother. I must confess I thought the “tough love” approach of my friend was a bit too tough at the time, but it absolutely all worked out well so I was wrong.