17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

Op's Dd does not listen to her mother and seems to think her mother is the source of her problems. She would rather take her chances with a deadbeat bf who doesnt seem to care much for her or his unborn child. She is mindlessly parroting stuff she hears from the bf's family - ie smoking weed while pregnant is harmless etc. I do understand why Op is at the end of her tether. The dd probably wants to keep the baby for benefits and as a way to get out of her mother's house. She sounds a nightmare. A termination is the best option here but if Op were to mention it, I suspect it is the last thing she will do.

Seriously? Even if OP had the most amazing talk and took her DD to get contraception, she can't force her to use it and isn't responsible of her DD makes bad decisions.

I hope none of your children ever do anything totally contrary to the values you tried to teach them. (They probably will).

This isn't OP's fault. Her DD chose to have unprotected sex.

Just read this thread and OP must be sick with worry. I hate to add another negative but if the daughter didn't take care not to get pregnant (yes I know it takes two) then it's not impossible that she could get pregnant a second time with the waste of space boyfriend. It happened to the teenage daughter of a friend a few years ago. Similar situation and the misery it caused in the family was heartbreaking. Social Services seems the best route unfortunately as OP can not and should not have to bear this burden no matter how much she cares for her daughter

The OP can’t want her to move out but also claim benefits for her living there.
Op has to choose - dc at home and get the benefits but have pregnant daughter there OR accept the lost benefits and no daughter.

Harsh though it is she can’t have it both ways.

Congratulations (in case you ever look back on this thread once the baby is born)

Get onto social services & look up churches/charity's who can help support you even if your not religious or "poor"

See a GP yourself if your struggling with depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts (of your eldest while dealing with your youngest)

& I wish you alot of luck

I rather thought the OP was pointing out a fact, not wanting it both ways.

I had a baby at 16, he’s 31 now. I had to grow up fast. No smoking and drinking, baby came first. If she’s not prepared to do that then I fear for this child. I’d be reminding her it’s a lifetime of responsibility, not a free ride to a council house.

I am sure the OP knows her child better than some random on MN. I am sure if OP could cope with her Daughter and a baby she would but she has already said she can't so why post shit like this?

OP please ignore the snide judgy comments and do what you need to do to survive.

Smoking weed is a very common, maladaptive coping mechanism for ND people I have noticed.

🙄 It's also a very common coping mechanism for people who are far too immature and selfish to safely raise a baby which is the far bigger problem right now.

@Snowpatrolling I've no advice over what has already been said, but I’m wishing you strength to get through all this.

What a situation to be in! You’re doing your best OP. She’s 17, still very young and will do a lot of mistakes in her life. However you are not responsible for them. You can guide her, give an advice if she needs one, however when the kids grow up, they choose they own path. She thinks she knows best, she thinks she is clever here. I think advice regarding weed, impact on the baby etc should come from the third party i.e. midwife or GP. She will be more likely to listen to them, even though she still might make her mind up and still use it or go back on it once baby is born. However she needs to know, she might loose this baby to social services due to her behavior and it’s totally up to her to make it good. You’re not going to rescue her. If you are just having arguments, take a step back. Tell her you love her, you are here when she needs you and you will support her. Then let her take the ownership of her situation and let her deal with it. You will be fine! I promise! And you’re going to have a grandchild which is exiting! Good luck 🍀

Op it sounds like you are running on an empty battery and are at the end of your tether. Oxygen mask on and call the GP and access free counselling for yourself and for dd. You need some support.

Call social services for help. Your dd is very likely to have the baby removed as she is taking drugs, does she know that?

Your DD sounds so vulnerable and lost. Her mental health is poor, and she is really struggling.

Can you try a different approach? Maybe take her out for dinner and chat through choices very factually. What does she see her life looking like at 30? 40? What sorts of career would she like etc.

It’s a huge decision for her, but she is young and has her whole life ahead of her. I was in the same position, and so angry at 17 and I went on to travel the world, have a good career and a very settled and comfortable life. It happens.

She is full of hormones and too young to know the implications. Look after yourself op, it’s a lot to deal with alone.

I respect young mums who had to grow up fast and who embraced the responsibility of caring for a new life. However if OP's daughter is not even willing to stop smoking weed, I fear for the unborn babe and the horrible circumstances it is going to be born into.

What a strange response. It doesn’t even sound like the ops daughter would appreciate being “scooped up”.

She sounds entirely gross and like someone that’s going to end up front page for something awful one day.

If she cared about the baby she would stop smoking weed; this baby is just another benefit to her. They clearly aren’t interested in actually being parents.

I would start now in fighting for custody of the baby once it’s born. It might not be something you want to do.. but it’s clear they can’t be parents if they can’t put the drugs down at the very least. It might even make them wise up.. probably not.

So go and scoop her up while you are still riding your high horse. All the best.

OP is on her knees as she is with a self-harming younger daughter who most likely has SEN. And it seems the elder daughter does not give a shit about her mum's hardship/feelings.

Yes I do too. I was a typical teen of the 90’s, participating in under age drinking, smoking daily. But once I found out I was pregnant, that all stopped. I cannot stand smoking during pregnancy, it’s completeness selfish and it’s ok to say that so and so did the same, and their baby was ok. That doesn’t make it right. I always say if you can’t do the right thing by your baby by quitting smoking then you’re not ready to become a mum. That’s what i’d be telling my DD.

I do think she needs to consider a termination. I hated everyone telling me maybe that was the right thing when I was 16 and pregnant and I proved them all wrong. But this young lady is smoking drugs and getting involved with the wrong type of people. She will be stuck with them for life. OP, I’d take her out for a meal, or a drive, and have an adult to adult chat. Tell her she isn’t ready to become a mother if she can’t put her child first and quit smoking drugs.

OP has raised her DC, and clearly does not (and cannot afford) to start again. Yes it’s her grandchild, but it doesn’t mean she is going to have to be the one to pick up the pieces.

I don’t mean for her DD. It’s an innocent baby whose life is going to be shit. I’d be cutting off DD and taking her child to at least try and give her half a life. My interest wouldn’t be with DD at all, you don’t need relationships like that. But how can you let your DGC live in what sounds like squalor around parents who are always high?

In not judging you , but you say she lives in a damp & mouldy place , but also say she is on your uc claim ? If you get found out she does not live with you , you will get into a lot of trouble and could lose or be sanctioned for not being honest .
Tell the truth and get her off your claim .

You clearly haven’t read or haven’t understood the OP’s posts. She’s watching her DD, who already has a difficult life, barrelling towards a disaster because she’s not being realistic abut her own ability to house or care for her baby. If OP doesn’t take drastic action now she’s going to be the one looking after the child when DD inevitably realises what caring for a baby full time actually means. DD is not equipped to be a mum, and OP has too much to deal with already to step in to the extent that will be needed.

The problem is that this young girl also has MH and behavioural issues. She is not in a space where she can be reached? It is going to be very difficult and I really feel for OP.

I'd notify social services about the pregnancy and regular weed smoking. I'd also encourage an abortion before it's too late. My neighbours daughter was similar minded, she gave her twins away not long after she had them. The shock of it all hit her afterwards, with the feeds. She lived with her mum and social services helped. An arborion would have been better for everyone all round.

She doesn’t have ND. She got into the wrong crowd at 14 and started behaving like a dick, she was attacked at school so I don’t doubt there are some underlying issues from that but many a kid has been in the same situation and not turned to drugs and sex and treating their parents like shit cos of it. This kid has given me 3 years of hell with her behaviour.

OP has already said she’s not in a position to look after the baby as she’s already working two jobs to make ends meet. I don’t think it’s helpful to lay the blame on OP for the baby’s living conditions when there’s next to nothing she can do about it, other than report to social services. I think a better option would be for OP to talk to her DD’s doctor and report her concerns, and hopefully once midwife services are involved the red flags will be picked up on fairly quickly.