17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

You' ve done everything you can for her , and shes not listening to you and others.
So as hard as it will be , leave her be , she thinks she knows it all . Let her live by her decisions , she knows best .
Sometimes you have to let people fall so you can catch them , you dd sounds like one of those people . So let her make those mistakes and be prepared to catch her when she does .

@Snowpatrolling op sorry to hear you're going thru this. I really wouldn't take any advice from mumsnet. Alot of disgusting ppl encouraging you to throw your pregnant teenager out on to the streets in order to teach her a lesson. This method very rarely works. Thats not to say she doesn't not need her own place but I don't think throwing your 17 year old should be an option a bunch of strangers goad you into, shes 17, shes a child. She is not this adult all this nutcases on here are insisting on. Another poster wrote you a lovely message about getting help from gp and HCP straight away. I understand you have alot on your plate and you have another child too so I would encourage you to tell your GP everything and ask for the help you deserve. Do it today. Don't delay so you can make the decisions you need to but in a safe environment!

Thankyou, I think this is the approach I need to take.
i haven’t spoken to her this morning, it’s my week off work so im still festering in my room. I’ll make some phone calls today.

Thankyou, I will make phone calls today whilst she’s at work.

OP needs to be clear about what she is able to offer, though. If the daughter stays in the house, OP will end up raising the baby (which she can't do). By making the daughter move out, OP is setting boundaries. It's far better this is done sooner than later.

I think taking a step back is the right thing to do. But I will also make some calls today to get some advice. Think I need to look into a mother and baby unit or something.

Get her to make the phone calls (except social services). Help her with it (ie, being with her) but do not do it for her.

I have had the conversation with her, told her I can’t help with night feeds etc as I need to work. Also told her I cannot help financially. I’m not prepared to raise this child.
she doesn’t even want to be here so I’ve told her she needs to make the choices right for her as ultimately it’s her decision. I’ll just be there if needed for support.

This is good advice, I think I’m trying to help to much, I’ll get her to make the calls when she’s back from work.

If push comes to shove OP are you prepared to raise this baby in the quite likely event your dd can't? Are you prepared to let baby go into care? If not you need to be making this very clear to dd and ss to aid their decision making. Neither is the right or wrong answer

No. I have three ND children so I consider myself to be in a position to know what I’m talking about.

ND children (and adults) often develop maladaptive coping mechanisms (like weed). I’ve had to work very hard to make sure my children don’t burn out because we live in a world designed for NT people.

I’m not prepared to raise the baby. I’ve made that clear. So this is her chance to step up and make good decisions.

No! That would be you running around picking up after her. She's an adult. If she needs that, she can do that.

Also, if you organise it, she will reject it.

I think you need to be prepared for the fact that it's quite likely she won't make good choices though which means that you're going to be faced with a complete Hobson's choice. If this is your stance then I would cooperate with ss and your dd as best you can but her best shot at pulling herself together might be allowing her to hit rock bottom and face the reality of losing her child IYSWIM. If you offer her too much of a crutch then it isn't going to empower her to figure things out for herself.

I was this girl - I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and I too smoked weed- my friend was also 18 and pregnant and smoked weed. I grew up and became a mother and a pretty good one - I now have 3 beautiful boys and done it solo, I didn’t have my mums support even though I stepped up . My friend on the other hand had her full family’s support but unfortunately didn’t have it in her to grow up , she lost custody of her daughter. What I’m trying to say is yes she’s young but she may surprise you but there is also the risk that it will not go to plan. Baby’s are hard work - and they cost a bomb. Yeah benifits help but you will still struggle

The baby will have a terrible life when born. It sounds like two of the worst parents possible. Adoption would be the way forward. I reckon social services would take the baby anyway to be truthful. That way the child will be able to have a good life. Sadly the daughter is unlikely to be a responsible parent.

My friend is fostering a pregnant teens, 17 nearly 18 and the plan is they stay until the baby is 1 before transitioning into housing association housing with support, she’s fairly vulnerable including previous addiction. The deal is though she can’t see the drug addict dad of the baby! Definitely talk to social services and see if support is available

Snotty, judgemental and totally ignoring the information OP has already given. She already has a full time and a part time job, and doesn’t claim anything from UC apart from rent. Do you not think OP has enough to deal with, without you benefit bashing as well ?

Comments such as ‘she’s killing me’ are rather illuminating of the situation as a whole.

Talk about kicking someone when they are down. You should be ashamed.

We only found out yesterday. I’ll get her to start making phone calls today.

This is true. Ive given the kids so much, it’s gonna be hard to step back but im going to need to. Ugh this is so hard. I love her but she does my head in.

Mother smokes weed, father is a waste of space, Grandmother not in a position to raise the baby and why should she?
Is having the baby really a good idea, or is this another child heading to the care system. Theres already way too many kids living below the poverty line, why add to it?

Still doesn’t change the fact that OP has said clearly that DD is not ND. She has mental health problems treated with anti anxiety meds.

Bless you, I pray she will be like you and step up, I really do think if she gets her act together she will make an amazing mum. I’m just struggling to see through the fog at the moment. I pray everything falls into place and we can look back on this with tired eyes and laugh.