17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

It sounds really hard, but sometimes love is letting people stand on their own two feet.

I get where you are coming from with the cruel to be kind especially where drugs are concerned but in this case this will push her more into the arms of the boyfriend probably lead to more drug taking clearly she needs professional help but that help with be much better alongside the support of her family

Well thanks for that insight, tell the OP something she doesn't already know, will you?

The OP understands perfectly well how the situation looks to the rest of us. She needs constructive advice and support, not a pithy precis of the situation. And it's not actually up to her whether the pregnancy goes ahead or not, more's the pity.

Kick her out.

I was 20 at university when I got pregnant and my parents made it clear that I was welcome in their homes but I had to pay for everything. I worked evenings alongside my degree, all through every university holiday and went back to work when my daughter was six months old. My husband stepped up hugely, too, and we moved in together about three weeks before our daughter was born. She needs to get it into her head that if she’s keeping the baby, she steps up and works for it.

Your daughter, despite you pointing out the obvious seems to know it all. She has so much to learn it’s almost heartbreaking. More heartbreaking for the child she is carrying to be born amongst the crowd of ‘influencers’ she’s living with.

I don’t think there is a quick fix here. She needs a dose of reality to be receptive and accepting of your help or suggestions.

I do wonder what example of loving relationships and calm approaches the 17 (and 13) year old has been shown. I don't say this to blame you OP. Your reaction sounds rather anxious and fight or flight suggests a trauma response, which makes me think your daughters have grown up with an environment of agitation and anxiety, which will have done nothing to support a calm and rational approach to life. Some of the advice on this thread is spot on, and speaking to your GP or a counsellor about your own feelings is probably a sensible step. If the baby comes into this current environment the poor soul will only be flung into another cycle of this heightened emotional environment, unless steps are taken to create genuine calmness from daughter, OP and any wider family involved.

I’ll rephrase then, the situation is killing me. It is, 3 years I’ve been battling to get her on the straight and narrow and I’ve failed as a parent. I’ve suffered abuse from people who were supposed to love me my whole life. I’ve worked my ass off to try and be a good parent and give the kids everything they want and need, all whilst trying to stay alive myself.
this isn’t the life I imagined for me and my babies. I know damn well I have failed. I’m rock bottom but still trying to fight, and I’m not ashamed to admit my fight has run out. I’m exhausted. I’m tired and I’m sad. And I’m fucking lonely.

My DD was a problem from age 14, drugs, staying out late, probably sex though she didn't get pregnant. We tried to get SS involved but they were not interested, though we had called the police regularly if she stayed out all night. She moved a boyfriend in with us a couple of years later and, when we found heroin in their room we told her that either he and the drugs went or they would both have to go.
They went to live with his parents who used to call me regularly to say it was all my fault and they should be living with us.
She's nearly 50 now, has been sectioned a few times and has had various diagnoses from schizophrenia to personality disorder. Our family have helped her to buy a small property of her own and she lives on UC and payments for disability now, alone at the moment but has had some awful BF over the years who obviously wanted a share of her property.
She is, or was, an intelligent person but has never had any self-control or desire to improve her life. It's very sad but there is a limit to what any parent can do to help their child if they are set on self-destruction. Of course we initially had feelings of guilt, but psychiatrists over the years have assured us that there was nothing we could have done.
@Snowpatrolling go with your gut and help her make the calls, but don't feel responsible for the mess that she is making of her life, nor feel that you have to accept responsibility for her and her child.

You sound burned out OP. If you can't raise this child, then you need to stick to your guns but be prepared to let baby go into care, if it comes to that. It's not easy but sometimes you really do have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

I was abused by my mother growing up, I was abused by the kids dad, he wasn’t a good dad, emotional abusive to them. We left him 11 years ago, we had no help or support, I was put on anti depressants.
but tried to remain calm and stable which worked until about 3 years ago when my daughter got into the wrong crowd and things changed over night.
I’ve done the parenting classes, family therapy etc etc. I felt after that I had a better approach to things. But daughter kept getting worse, wouldn’t engage with services, she had every ounce of help given to her which she just told them all to eff off.
my youngest got abused the worst by her dad, she didnt tell anyone how bad it was til 3 years after I stopped her having contact with him. She has also been receiving help and has now transpired she probably has autism,
no I haven’t always been the calm collective parent I should have been, but I have tried and accepted help.

Take heart, OP. This is the worst stage for children and even parents who are in stable relations and financially well off have stumbled badly at this stage. My own single mother had been at the end of her tether with 6 of us stroppy teens and gone to bed crying some nights- I heard her and it broke my heart. But it all worked out in the end. Hang on, trying your best is enough.

You sound like you have been battling your whole life. Just wanted to say you are very brave for posting here, and very strong to have endured all you have so far in life. Sending you a hug from one mum to another, and so sorry you are also having to face this.

In a case like this I would´ve marched her to the gynae to get an intrauterine device. That way there is no relying on pills, you just change the thing when the time comes. It doesn´t protect from stds but neither does unprotected sex.

OP i haven’t read the full thread but I know she wants to keep the baby. I think in her circumstances it would be best if she could have a termination. If she’s not ready to give up weed then she isn’t ready to raise a baby.

She thinks having this baby will ensure her a council house and benefits right? Does she also maybe want to “tie” the boyfriend to herself? Maybe she thinks it’s a good idea to have the baby because she’s hoping for a happy ending? Maybe having a chat along the lines of how pointless (and not worth it) this would be could help?

Does she realise that at 17 the world could be at her feet? Maybe she needs a positive perspective so that pursuing an unwanted pregnancy isn’t the best life path she can see for herself?

I did march her to the GP and get her the implant. At the age of 14, she had it removed without me knowing.

A 17 year old should understand consequences of smoking drugs when pregnant. I would give her an ultimatum and kick her out if she doesn't follow throw.

She can get your support when she starts taking responsibility for her actions

Follow through not throw*

I have had these conversations with her yesterday. And I’ve been drilling this into her for the last 3 years. It’s fallen on deaf ears. Trust me myself and many people have tried.

OP Im so sorry you find yourself in this situation and you sound at the end of your tether, you are getting some good advice here. I do understand the feeling that no matter what you do and how you try, some selfish idiot manages to put a stick through your wheels. A huge hug.

Ah, that is interesting because it makes me wonder if this was done on purpose as a means to an end. My worry is that she isn´t well informed and her seeing the baby as a meal ticket will come crashing down, as times have changed. And you are caught in the middle. So selfish of them.

You will be ok. Things may be tougher than you would like, but you will be ok. Your eldest will need to grow up a lot or consider if she really wants this. Explain that SS may be involved if she is young, vulnerable and on drugs, that she is going to have to change her lifestyle a lot.

Edited. Sorry I posted without reading all your updates. I am so sorry she is being so uncaring to the baby if she is going to continue to smoke weed and take it to a damp house. Under those circumstances I personally would encourage SS to take the baby into care once born if she truly behaves like this. It sounds harsh but someone who would do that clearly doesn't love the baby.

You are doing anything a reasonable person would. You have already done all that you could.

You really can’t say that! OPs daughter may grow up fast like my friend’s daughter did when she became a mum. She was a weed smoking anti school anti parents young adult too.

you can’t ‘March’ a young person to a clinic to have an object inserted in to them against their will!! And op did persuade her to have the implant but she got it removed. Which isn’t surprising because you don’t need parents’ permission for this at 16+.

also a totally unhelpful response, it sounds like op has a really tough life, no support from the dad whatsoever, and her dd has decided she’s the enemy.

I think you’re doing the right thing op, if you can keep the lines of communication open and keep asking where she’s planning to live, who will babysit for her when she wants to go out with friends and ultimately keep talking about termination as an option. She probably won’t listen to 99% but something may go in and if the bf keeps being unsupportive she may feel a sense of panic and do the right thing. Definitely don’t take this responsibility on yourself, it is good that you’ve realised you can’t do that on top of everything else.

I thought the days of thinking getting pregnant would guarantee a council house, was over.

It is a depressing that so many still think the state should clean up their mess.

In any case, OP, i would be telling her I'll support a termination only. If she chooses to go ahead and have this poor baby, she is on her own.

Once again, it all falls to women, it is women expected to try and salvage the situation, do the running around, spend sleepless nights worrying.. help raise the baby - or even take over completely. I bet the scumbag who got her pregnant hasn't lost a minutes sleep.

It all sounds so grim and hopeless. I know there are stories where things work out, but realistically, it sounds like this baby will be yet another sad and wretched statistic. Imagining anything other is foolish.

You should read through all the OP's replies then!

She’s actively been trying to get pregnant since she was 14. Myself and social convinced her to get the implant which she did then went and had it removed behind my back at some point, she also have contraceptive pill which she hasn’t taken.