17 year old is pregnant

[Snowpatrolling]

Hi,
im not sure what I’m asking for here,
my 17 year old has just found out she’s pregnant.
she dropped out of college but has a cleaning job, her BF is a knob. She spends all her money on weed.
im financially struggling with no family support,
my youngest is being investigated for autism. She’s 13. She also self harms.
had problems with my 17 year old since she was 14. She thinks it’s a game.
im struggling to know how to cope, im already low and this I think is about to push me over the edge. Im trying to be there for my children but I can’t help but feel it would be easier if I disappear. I can’t do this anymore.
their dad is not on the scene,
somebody please tell me we are going to be ok.

And how much actual parenting will be done by the babies mother and how much will the op have to do?

It's funny how some teenagers want to pick and choose which bits of being an adult they choose to do, and had the daughter actually given anything thought on how her decisions affect anyone else? Or is it all about her?

If she’s been trying to get pregnant since she was 14, was put on contraception, then booked an appointment to have said contraception removed, do you call it… an accident?

I know it sounds bizarre but some teenagers do get pregnant on purpose, without any understanding of the actual consequences. It doesn’t necessarily indicate the parents were horribly neglecting. Like I’ve mentioned I was a teenage parent myself. One of my friends was incredibly privileged and she still decided she wanted a baby for whatever reason. It was planned. The difference is that her family could afford to cut her a check every month with no problem.

Some can catch up relatively quickly and step up, some can’t. But OP’s DD needs to be made aware of the reality, it isn’t la la land. Her life is about to become a lot more difficult.

There are many reasons why someone who had an implant fitted at 14 might want to remove it. They may have felt coerced into it, or not like having a foreign object in their arm. It may have hurt or become infected. It may have negatively affected their periods or mood. 3 years may have passed and it’s stopped working and needs to come out. It’s incredible how dehumanising and dismissive people are being towards this unknown young person who is clearly struggling and has no real support.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I’m not trying to dehumanise anyone, I’m telling OP my opinion, which is she needs to bring her daughter up to speed with reality asap. Unfortunately as another human is about be brought into this situation, a hug and a cuddle are nowhere near enough.

Moving out into her own space is not a bad thing necessarily. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother too and it became much better once I was away from her household. Maybe OP’s daughter will experience that too, who knows?

Everyone’s filling in gaps here, me and you included. But if OP said that she’s been trying to get pregnant and then went off contraception and now is pregnant, it’s fair to conclude it wasn’t because it was infected.

You are really, really reaching.

She says she's been wanting to get pregnant for years.

Implants do not just stop working, and they are good for 6 years.

She had the implant removed without an alternative contraception.

There's no way this pregnancy isn't deliberate.

What I’m really saying, is that I don’t believe the mother is able to accurately convey her daughter’s thoughts, feelings, and motivations. She sees herself as the victim of her daughter, who is totally vilified for having the cheek to have been sexually exploited from 14 years old.

No, OP is exhausted and fed up.

Some teenagers do "go off the rails" at 14, despite parents doing their best. It happens.

How's it going, @Snowpatrolling?

Just an update if anyone is interested.
its all come to a head this morning. After it being quite calm for a few days (she was at her boyfriends) shit hit the fan,
youngest decided to walk out of school this morning which I got a bit angry at. Walked though the door when I wasn’t expecting her. I was trying to figure out why she came home and established if anything had happened.
youngest run to her room, oldest was shouting at me telling me to drag her ass back to school and I’m a shit parent blah blah blah, telling me she doesn’t have autism and I’m a pushover. In all this I was trying to phone the school so I could let them know she was safe but 17yo kept shouting at me effectively verbally blocking me from making the call.
yougest ran away after self harming which resulted in a lot of police lookin g for her.
whilst home 17 year old continued to shout and wouldnt let me explain to her that I needed her to be quiet for 1 minute for me to make a phone call ,(that’s what I shouted at her in the first place) anyway stuff happened, she walked out front door, slammed it then started kicking it in. I opened door to tell her to stop kicking and she elbowed me in the chest twice come up in my face saying she was gonna hit me and that I’m killing her baby.
i told her to pack her things, school phoned to tell me they had 13 year old they heard 17 year old shouting and refused to send her home until I’d removed 17 year old. So she’s been asked to leave, I’ve taken key off her and explained everything to social services. I’ve told social she is still smoking weed and that I fear for her life and the babies, but I’ve said she’s not safe to be here so she’s no longer welcome. I really did try to be supportive but I can’t take this behaviour anymore. I’ve told social she will need support that I can no longer emotionally, or financially provide. That’s it. I’m drained exhausted and sad.

Sorry it's happened this way but glad you can get some much-needed peace. Take care of yourself now, be gentle.

Ah, sweetheart! I’m so sorry. You have been through the mill, you’ve done incredibly well just surviving it all. Hang in there. Sometimes it takes a crisis for DC to get the support they need.

Stay strong- it’s not over, but it might be the beginning of the end.

Thankyou, I’m so broken. I hope that maybe if we arnt living together we can repair our relationship. I appreciate that’s probably a long way off but social are going to ring her and deal with her separately,
school have said they don’t feel 13 is safe with 17 in the house so at least I have that back up.
i didn’t do everything right this morning, was trying to do my best and I probably got it wrong but I can’t change it now. Hopefully she gets the help she needs.

Be aware, it isn’t unknown for SS to suggest they rehouse the 13yr old- obviously don’t let that stand for a moment! The 13 yr old needs stability and her mum.

They are then likely to try for a mother and baby fostering placement for your DD, but I’m not sure at what point they’d do that.

I think once you have a bit of space from her and she had time to reflect, things will improve and you can build a new relationship with her.

I did have this before, they wanted to take youngest in to foster rather than oldest who was causing the issues. I had to fight that one. They are welcome to take my 13yo but I still won’t be allowing 17 back so pretty pointless for them to try.

I do truly hope she gets the help she needs and thrives.

Fingers crossed. I get she’s scared and vulnerable but we can’t have this again. It’s not right. I don’t deserve to be hit.

Thank you for updating, Op. I hope you get some peace and a chance to catch your breath.

You are correct, you do not deserve to be hit. I hope time is a healer for both you and your daughters.

I don't think you deserve any of this ,certainly not the being told you're a shit mum or being hit .
Hang on in there sweetheart ,there must be calmer waters soon .

Wow op that sounds so hard but I think you have done the right thing overall. It isn’t right for your 17 year old to be in your house right now, she’s decided she knows best and being away from you will actually force her to face a bit of reality. It’s also good that they know about the weed. Hopefully you and your 13 year old can get a little bit of peace and things can improve for you and your youngest.

They are welcome to take the 13 year old?

No o didn’t mean it like that. I mean they can threaten it but if they succeed it won’t change my mind about my oldest.
edit to say they won’t succeed cos the school and 13yo mental health team are on my side with my decision.

@Snowpatrolling

Well, you've certainly been through the mill. Listen, you tried as hard as you could (and then some) but if your 17 yr old was bound and determined to do her own thing, then you telling her to leave was inevitable.

For now, focus on your 13 yr old and try to find the both of you peace and calm. You're doing the right thing.

Thankyou. I just hope she figures it out.

That sounds really sad, but you are doing the right thing in protecting your 13 year old.