13-year old bumping into me in the kitchen

[Jarstastic]

This seems a small thing compared to some of the drama from an elder sibling, but it’s getting me down.

13-year old son will want something from a drawer or cupboard (usually in the kitchen but sometimes in another room) and if I’m standing in front of it, he opens it regardless! Like I’m not there. I have reiterated it over and over. he says sorry. I have previously said sorry doesn’t mean anything without changed behaviour.

He has now started saying excuse me, but then carries on regardless, doesn’t wait for me to respond or move. I’m not sure if he does this to other people as others aren’t around so much these days.

He did it again yesterday, opened dishwasher when I was in front of it and I got bashed by it. His father was at the kitchen table and told him, he said sorry and his father said it’s not good enough to say sorry anymore, you’re doing it regularly. You are a big boy (he is now a few inches taller than me and fairly solid), stop barging in. He is a tad childish for his age.

10 minutes later (!) he said excuse me but then opened cupboard door into me. I got upset and said you didn’t even give me one second to move. Father heard it, came in and was not impressed and took him to another room, had a serious chat with him, then sent him to bed.

This morning, I was in the kitchen stirring milk into my coffee, he comes into the kitchen gets a bowl out of the bowl cupboard, then comes over to where I’m standing, opens the drawer with spoons, straight into my stomach!!

Check him for adhd,OP. Shouting back and akimbo his love miserable as some suggested I'd completely bonkers. I doubt it will work, not to say is downright nasty.

What? 😕

I think it’s not so much nasty as pretty intuitive to shout if someone opens a cupboard onto you?
Op, does he change the channel on you? When walking together if he changes direction would he walk into you if you don’t move for him rather than around you? You will need to work on all the ways he has this gap of awareness.

Jesus fucking Christ, which men do this and why are they given the opportunity to do it more than once?!

They see you. They know you're there. They just don't think you matter. By the time they're men, you can't train that out of them. And unless you're their actual mother (as in this case) it's not your job to try.

Tell him if he does it again you’ll stamp on his foot.

Silly bugger will learn then, the hard way.

Your thread reminds me of my DS's behaviour, who is waiting for an ADHD assessment.

If you suspect he has it, please don't ignore it and think it will go away.

Get him tested as it will start to really manifest itself in the next few years.

This is domination. What is he doing with his screen time? Who is influencing him?

first thing I’d do is take away devices.

then i’d absolutely tear him a new one. He’s been told. He’s not modifying his behaviour. That’s so unpleasant and concerning.

My first thought was possible dyspraxia. Poor executive function, like a bull in a china shop, poor coordination, no idea of own strength, clumsy - they are all typical dyspraxia. I have one with it and I could imagine him doing this.

I expect he isn't doing it to anyone else apart from the OP because no one else is in the kitchen as much as the OP. rather than some sinister move against womankind. Honestly.

But I mean maybe you're an expert on ND conditions and so 'know' that can't possibly be the case?

So your original post was based on the premise that everyone has the same small size kitchen as you? That can't possibly be true as you must be aware of larger areas.

He's being selfish, inconsiderate, aggressive, rude, disrespectful, and impatient. But...he is a teenager and not exactly surprising. You as a parent have to send a consistent message that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable at his age or any age. He is carrying on with it, so it's time for bigger consequences.

Agree with this - sometimes it feels like my children don't see me as an actual person. This sounds almost like a physical manifestation of this?

Why are people so fast to put malevalent intent on a 13 year old child? He is FAR more likely simply thoughtless or distracted. Maybe projection, given all the talk of 'ripping him a new one', stamping on feet, shouting etc. Just because he is a boy.

OP, how is it that you do not instinctively move aside as you see someone reaching for a cupboard/drawer? This is something most people do automatically - try observing others in the kitchen and you'll see how often it happens. His Dad probably does this, which is likely why son isn't opening things onto him. Rather than it being some patriarchal move to achieve dominance.

Just keep reminding him to say 'excuse me' - every time.

I notice this with some of my male teenage students. They barge or push past me - not violently but as if I am not there. I assume they do it to their mothers, too. They don't value female presence as much as male so it's ignored when inconvenient.

Whenever it happens I say, Excuse me. You just touched my body in a rough way. They grunt. I say, I don't want you to touch my body. They grunt again. I say, is it appropriate to touch my body roughly and without consent? They look worried and say no. I tell them to show more care for the people around them.

I'm absolutely zero tolerance with the boys and physicality around women. Late assignment? I'll work with you to get this done. Wag your finger in my face? We're going to the pastoral head for a meeting.

It worries me.

OP, I think it's great your DH is taking a big role in discipline here, but I think you need to confront your son every time. You. You need to assert your body and your boundaries. He needs to be held to full account. It's not an abstract situation. He just touched your body roughly and without consent. Your body. Use it.

I agree with someone else - next time as soon as he approaches you, say very assertively & firmly “please DO NOT open the drawer into me”

It's because it has gone on and on and on despite repeated warnings, in depth chats and some shouting.

Everything I've said would apply to a teenage girl equally.

This is not a bit of misjudging the space and accidentally catching the OP with the corner of the cupboard because they didn't realise she was standing a bit closer than they thought. This is treating her - subconsciously or otherwise - with contempt. They see fine well that she is well in the way of the door/drawer/whatever (particularly evident at the point they started to say 'scuse me') and decide she can simply be shoved out of the way using that door/drawer.

This is an older child, well above the age of criminal responsibility (and so understands right from wrong), who thinks it is OK to physically barge their mother out of the way or bash things into her repeatedly for their own convenience.

Whether or not the OP is not moving quickly enough by anyone's standards, it is completely unacceptable to bash things into anyone while you can see perfectly well that they're still standing there. That should be absolutely basic respect shown to anyone!

Honestly, the apologists on this thread and the attempts to make being bashed repeatedly somehow the OP's fault is something to behold!

He is 13 and you say he is bigger than you. His body has got bigger but his mind hasn’t caught up. I would give him a bit of a break as he may be a bit thoughtless/clumsy. I would though next time pre empt it and say hang on let me get out of the way before you start opening cupboards.

This happened to me when one of mine were little. My son who is a bit clumsy and gets side tracked alot ,its rude and inconsiderate.

You need to be waiting for him next time.
Stand around in the kitchen alot waiting.

Plan what you are going to do and say , do it loudly , very loudly and say , " This stops right now . I have told you time and time again , and this is the last time ".
Tell him that you are raising him to be a partner / husband one day and his behaviour is unacceptable.
If it continues put a stair gate on the kitchen door and he isn't allowed in , have a water pistol ready 🤭

Not making excuses for him but could it be a kind of spatial awareness issue?

How are his sports skills?

I think this is in response to my earlier comment. I said if he acts like a child then he gets child locks. That way he can’t just open them out onto his mum with total disregard for her. It would take a little longer and prevent her getting hit with doors

This thread is basically about people being in each others way

100%

Bizarre answer, making breakfast would involve making coffee, getting everyone a glass of water or juice, porridge making, fruit chopping and putting in bowls, toast making. Doing one or two of these tasks for everyone is how we do things here.

It doesn't, but here the person getting cereal would be doing that for all of us

I didn't say they weren't but I didn't expect child to at that age

Just would never be something I expected my school aged DC to do unless we were out