13-year old bumping into me in the kitchen

[Jarstastic]

This seems a small thing compared to some of the drama from an elder sibling, but it’s getting me down.

13-year old son will want something from a drawer or cupboard (usually in the kitchen but sometimes in another room) and if I’m standing in front of it, he opens it regardless! Like I’m not there. I have reiterated it over and over. he says sorry. I have previously said sorry doesn’t mean anything without changed behaviour.

He has now started saying excuse me, but then carries on regardless, doesn’t wait for me to respond or move. I’m not sure if he does this to other people as others aren’t around so much these days.

He did it again yesterday, opened dishwasher when I was in front of it and I got bashed by it. His father was at the kitchen table and told him, he said sorry and his father said it’s not good enough to say sorry anymore, you’re doing it regularly. You are a big boy (he is now a few inches taller than me and fairly solid), stop barging in. He is a tad childish for his age.

10 minutes later (!) he said excuse me but then opened cupboard door into me. I got upset and said you didn’t even give me one second to move. Father heard it, came in and was not impressed and took him to another room, had a serious chat with him, then sent him to bed.

This morning, I was in the kitchen stirring milk into my coffee, he comes into the kitchen gets a bowl out of the bowl cupboard, then comes over to where I’m standing, opens the drawer with spoons, straight into my stomach!!

I think this is about the elder brother and the impact of his bad behaviour on him.

Could your son be feeling ignored or left out or blamed for anything his brother is doing? Is he attention seeking? Does you have time for him Im between work and dealing with his brothers shenanigans? Does he need more time spent with him? Is there any ASD involved with anyone? Maybe he is on the spectrum too?

I think his behaviour has earned him a kitchen ban while you are in there. He has been asked and it’s not worked, so until such times as he can be trusted he can’t be in the kitchen AT ALL while anyone else is in there. He has to wait. The baby gate is a good idea if he won’t stay patiently in the hall/elsewhere until you give him permission to go in.

I think though he’d benefit from a bit more of your and his dad’s attention to see if that helps? Not as a reward just you happen to want to do more with him that he likes kind of thing. Bond. Then see if he can be allowed back into the kitchen indue course.

erm what..........

I would refuse him access to the kitchen while I am there till he learns to be patient

Something to consider if you suspect he might have ADHD, is whether he might have dyspraxia. It does cause clumsiness and there’s a lack of awareness of where your body sits in space and in relation to objects. It often coexists with neurodivergent conditions.
Before going really heavy handed on him perhaps have a look at the symptoms of this (also called developmental coordination disorder) and see if it fits him generally.
If you don’t think this is the issue, then I agree sending him to wait outside of the kitchen while you are in there is the best consequence . He’ll have to empty the dishwasher when the movie is on, or he wants to go out, or whatever.

🤣 please tell me you are not for real ( or you are a 12 year old who’s parents mollycoddle you)

We have our own breakfast tasks. We are not all in the kitchen at once. But DC being involved started at 16

Don’t ban him completely, obviously, just stop him coming in while you are there.

If he’s doing a chore you expect of him, tell him to wait elsewhere in the kitchen or even in the doorway (don’t let him go off and do something fun) until you’ve finished what you are doing, then continue with his job. If it’s something he wants to do, like getting a sandwich or whatever, tell him to wait in another room until you let him know you’ve left the kitchen.

This is exactly how they get into their twenties unable to do basic shit and reliant on their partners to take on the bulk of the household tasks. 🤦‍♀️

Hold the drawer closed, put your knee against the dishwasher…he will have to ask you and wait for you to move.

or put child locks on all cupboards and tell him since he acts like one you will treat him like one

Yes…you can’t drive until you are 16 so seems the next logical step to not be allowed to make breakfast until then 🤷‍♀️

Take whatever device/game console etc he most values.

Return it when he has gone a week without bashing you. Repeat as necessary.

Adhd is no excuse for repeatedly injuring your own mum.

Would fit with adhd. The impulsiveness/lack of patience.

He can still cook and clean up the kitchen when you and his dad are not there as that is access by permission.

And this is a new thing where he is moving into your personal space and bumping you.

And if he is not doing the same to his dad its a choice.

What? My kids are 11 and 13 and are responsible for cooking a dinner each once a week, as well as their own breakfast and normal household chores.

You waited until they were 16 to even get them to “help” with breakfast?! No wonder so many people in their teens and 20s are so useless.

Child locks are a very good idea.

@Jarstastic

What immediate consequences are there when he does this? Does he have to hand over his phone, then next incident he had to hand over game controller? Next incident he gives back X amount of his pocket money?

You need immediate consequences for every instance of him bashing you. Don’t pussyfoot, this is a man sized person using his presence to hurt a woman. 13 year olds are not small. He needs to learn now that it is completely unacceptable to use his body or his actions or injure someone.

Could you try showing him what it's like to be on the receiving end of this? Get him to stand at the worktop pouring cereal or something, say 'scuse me' and pull out the drawer into his stomach. You could do it as a demo a couple of times then start doing it to him in 'real time' if he continues. I bet he walks around in his own little world and doesn't notice where other people are.

It’s definitely not lack of attention. He gets loads of it. He is definitely attention seeking though!

You haven't answered the people asking whether he does this to other people, including his dad, or just you.

Does he see his mum as almost literally part of the furniture? Is it a sexist thing? He needs to learn that you (and other women) exist and have a right to space, before he turns into one of those awful men who think women should get out of their way on the pavement and barge into them if they don't.

Agree with the suggestion above: physically stop him opening things while you’re in front of them. Put your hand out to block the cupboard opening and say firmly, “No, you’ll have to wait”. If he tries again while you’re still in the way, tell him to leave the kitchen and wait in the hallway.

It’s not clear whether he’s just thoughtless or is doing it on purpose. The above approach will cover both for now.

It's so this. Whenever I hear about teenage boys being violent to their mums (and that's what this is), and Mums minimising it or making excuses, I think: so what about when he does this to his girlfriend a few years from now?

I'd just tell him 'no, I'm here doing something, you have to wait.' do not let him get close enough to even try and open anything.

If he doesn't stop tell him he's not allowed in the kitchen at all when you're using it.

Imagine if he did that in a flat share or to a girlfriend? He'd get kicked out of the house! I know he's too young for that yet but it's a really bad habit to get into.

I haven’t answered the question does he do it to his dad as I’m not sure. They are both out, DH has taken him out to do a hobby which he’s shown interest in recently.

I don’t think he does, but they are probably not in the kitchen together so much as DH works long days in London and I work at home. DH cooked last night but was then sitting at the table after dinner. This morning, he was up earlier.

there is something else he does which upsets me which is if he’s done something naughty and I’ve told him off (or cut off screen time or taken his phone if it’s linked) he will come and hug me. Like a forced hug. Well it feels forced as he’s bigger than me. I’ve said it won’t make me feel better at the time, it may make you feel better but you are big and you shouldn’t do that. A few weekends ago DH complained of the same thing but he’s a lot taller than son so wouldn’t feel it so much, but it still upset him.

you are absolutely right it is essential he learns women have the right to space. Even more space than men possibly.

Don't bother getting him assessed for anything: he just sounds rude and is if you are-literally beneath his notice. That's not a medical condition.

The best way to learn is practically-so every time he is standing in front of something, whether you want access to it or not, push past him and open it.

Every time he does it to you, send him into the garden-sun, rain, hail or snow,

Like a miracle, his behaviour will stop.

However, if he such a rude pup that f it doesn't stop, then don't let him in the kitchen while you are in it and make sure you stay there a bloody long time, long enough for him to miss his breakfast-it will help to clear his mind.

Aside from the case of some kind of disability in what universe do 13 years olds not get their own breakfast? It's years not months