13-year old bumping into me in the kitchen

[Jarstastic]

This seems a small thing compared to some of the drama from an elder sibling, but it’s getting me down.

13-year old son will want something from a drawer or cupboard (usually in the kitchen but sometimes in another room) and if I’m standing in front of it, he opens it regardless! Like I’m not there. I have reiterated it over and over. he says sorry. I have previously said sorry doesn’t mean anything without changed behaviour.

He has now started saying excuse me, but then carries on regardless, doesn’t wait for me to respond or move. I’m not sure if he does this to other people as others aren’t around so much these days.

He did it again yesterday, opened dishwasher when I was in front of it and I got bashed by it. His father was at the kitchen table and told him, he said sorry and his father said it’s not good enough to say sorry anymore, you’re doing it regularly. You are a big boy (he is now a few inches taller than me and fairly solid), stop barging in. He is a tad childish for his age.

10 minutes later (!) he said excuse me but then opened cupboard door into me. I got upset and said you didn’t even give me one second to move. Father heard it, came in and was not impressed and took him to another room, had a serious chat with him, then sent him to bed.

This morning, I was in the kitchen stirring milk into my coffee, he comes into the kitchen gets a bowl out of the bowl cupboard, then comes over to where I’m standing, opens the drawer with spoons, straight into my stomach!!

Yes, but breakfast isn't really cooking as such

Seriously? You think a 13 year old should be getting his breakfast served to him? Oh my ...

Also btw, my teen DDs used to do this sometimes, they sort of knew the shouldn't and sometimes say sorry as they continue.

Maybe tell him this too. Say this is a problem and what solutions can he come up with. So it's agreed between you. (By all means lay down the law if he doesn't comply, but getting him on board can only be a good thing if it works)

Nobody gets their own breakfast here. DH makes coffee and does toast. DS or I do fruit and porridge type things alternately

Your kid couldn't get themselves a bowl of cereal before they were 16?

My kids started getting their own breakfast at age 7. My 11 yr old now prefers her eggs to mine so I let her get on with it.

Independence is good

In preference to getting in the way, yup. In a small kitchen

There are only two time zones in ADHD. Now, and Not Now. What’s interesting though is the forced physical contact - both shoving you out of the way and the forced hugs. Mine hug as an expertly soothing thing, often when the other person least wants it - it’s like a request for reassurance somehow, or the end of a “set piece” of behaviour. Very annoying.

My 5 year old has been getting his own breakfast for at least a year!

They could but I didn't expect them to

My 13 year old made himself French toast this morning.
(admittedly I wouldn't like him doing that if I wasn't in the house due to frying pan)

Why? I mean seriously why?

How is it inconveniencing him if he's asking the OP to get things for him?

Does he have any siblings and how do they behave? Is he like this with anyone else?

I agree with this. I have three boys and try things on with me that they don't with their dad.

I square up to them and lock eyes. I don't care if they are bigger than me. They soon stand down.

I think others are right, you either proactively tell him to wait at the door or you shout at him when he does it.

My 13 year old has ASD likes to shoulder barge me when he has a strop. His elder brother had a word as well as me. Hearing from two people helps so good dh is on his case.

When ds apologises to me after I just tell him it's not good enough and does he want me in hospital if I stumble over.

It sounds like you're loitering in the kitchen longer than needed/necessary. Clear out so others can get in maybe??

I thought instantly it sounded like ADHD and/or dyspraxia (DCD).

I’m autistic/ADHD and I have two autistic DC, one of whom also has dyspraxia.

You know your son, OP. Maybe it is just a power play. Maybe he is just a big spiteful bully as many PP have suggested.

But you also said that he has attention difficulties in other areas and that he looked horrified when he did it to you again. You said he’s a kind, empathic boy and a bit younger than his years. None of that sounds like a child that’s doing it deliberately.

If that is the reason, it doesn’t mean that you just accept getting bashed but you do need to approach it differently. Because as you’ve already seen, giving him a bollocking and punishing him has zero effect. You can’t punish neurodivergence out of someone.

My DS has a one-track focus and a similar lack of spatial sense. So if I’m on the stairs, for example, he thinks saying “excuse me” means he can walk through me 🤦🏻‍♀️

What works for us is giving him a verbal warning every time - so if I see him at the top of the stairs as I’m coming up I’d say “hold on, let me just come up first”. We’ve had similar issues on the kitchen 😂 So again, anticipating potential problems “you can’t get to this drawer yet” as he approaches etc etc. It’s a proactive approach that really works for us.

The alternative is that you say to him that he needs to wait until you’re out of the kitchen to go in. But not as a punishment. There’s a difference in framing it. You’re trying to find a solution - he doesn’t want to keep hurting you or getting in trouble and you know he’s struggling to manage space, so this is the answer. Presented as a helpful solution rather than a punishment, it will land differently.

People sneering at ADHD/dyspraxia clearly have no idea what goes on in the brain, or how it affects everyday life.

If it is neurodivergence, then your son needs cues to help him succeed. As you’ve already discovered, punishing makes precisely zero difference because it’s not deliberate.

Only you know OP if your DS is growing up to be a domineering bully or if he’s genuinely struggling to get this right.

So why weren't they capable of getting a bowl and cereal themselves? Odd.

you seem to be in his way a lot. Are you passively agressively standing in front of the cupboard you know he needs to get to to force him to say excuse me?

It seems odd that so much of the time you're in front of the place he wants to be.

Just get what you need and leave the kitchen. Then he can come in.

You said teens, not teen boys. If you’re only referring to boys you need to state that and not assume that everyone is thinking the same thing you are.

Girls with ADHD might present differently to boys and they might not. It’s not a given. My DD can be inconsiderate and barge in to use something or open the fridge door or something. It’s not just boys. A quick reminder to her about rudeness and waiting means that she won’t do it again for months.

My DH and DD share a lot of similarities in their presentation of ADHD despite being different sexes and ages. Male and female presentation of ADHD isn’t necessarily completely different. They can share a lot of traits and behaviours.

Oh come on, it doesnt take much to get a bowl, cereal and milk!

I’m not sure I agree with the power/dominance thing. It could be that but I think it’s more likely a spatial awareness issue. I think the key is to hold your space. If you want to stop him at the door to keep yourself from getting bashed, that’s fair enough. But then he’s not going to learn what to do when he does find himself sharing a kitchen with someone. I would stand in front of whatever it is and rest your knee/hand on the thing as he comes near you, so you can hold it or slam it shut when he tries to pull it open with a swift “NO!” And a repetitive “have I moved away yet? Is it safe to open yet?” (Depending how he opens them. Obv you don’t want to trap his fingers).

I am none the wiser, what’s a task that’s related to the making? Getting bread out but not sticking it in the toaster? Measuring the oats but not cooking them.

i feel like I am playing Only Connect.well no as im ok at that and not at this.

Well, give him a worse chore to do instead of one in the kitchen or tell him that he is banned from the kitchen if you in there and he will just have to wait.

This was my first thought and I think it’s worth the OP considering.

Some people seem to see the kitchen as their default space and are always in there batch cooking, cleaning, sorting, and generally making it difficult for other people to get in there. My mum was like this and it made it almost impossible to sort out my own food as a teenager.