13-year old bumping into me in the kitchen

[Jarstastic]

This seems a small thing compared to some of the drama from an elder sibling, but it’s getting me down.

13-year old son will want something from a drawer or cupboard (usually in the kitchen but sometimes in another room) and if I’m standing in front of it, he opens it regardless! Like I’m not there. I have reiterated it over and over. he says sorry. I have previously said sorry doesn’t mean anything without changed behaviour.

He has now started saying excuse me, but then carries on regardless, doesn’t wait for me to respond or move. I’m not sure if he does this to other people as others aren’t around so much these days.

He did it again yesterday, opened dishwasher when I was in front of it and I got bashed by it. His father was at the kitchen table and told him, he said sorry and his father said it’s not good enough to say sorry anymore, you’re doing it regularly. You are a big boy (he is now a few inches taller than me and fairly solid), stop barging in. He is a tad childish for his age.

10 minutes later (!) he said excuse me but then opened cupboard door into me. I got upset and said you didn’t even give me one second to move. Father heard it, came in and was not impressed and took him to another room, had a serious chat with him, then sent him to bed.

This morning, I was in the kitchen stirring milk into my coffee, he comes into the kitchen gets a bowl out of the bowl cupboard, then comes over to where I’m standing, opens the drawer with spoons, straight into my stomach!!

Bellow at him! 'Get off me!' Or 'Get out until you can behave properly.'

You need to find your anger and use it. This sounds very red bill, Andrew Tate, dude bro to me. Fight back and show him YOU are the boss in your own home.

I bet he doesn't do it to his dad.

classic.

I think so.

almost territorial

It’s disrespectful but it sounds like you’re all trying to use the kitchen at the same time and getting on top of each other.

Id introduce a new rule of one person in the kitchen at one time and trying to get into a routine where no one is hogging the space.

He's doing it deliberately?

What are the consequences?

What does involved mean?

Oh god I think my mum did it. That’s another lightbulb moment in the shit show that was my childhood.

How very bizarre. Is he as thoughtless and inconsiderate in other situations?

Sounds as though he needs a wider discussion about considering others' needs, being kind, not hurting others etc. He needs to be picked up every time he behaves like this.

We've got a lock on our kitchen door, it's just a concertina door with a plastic key, but it works. I'd be locking the door while I was in there to keep him out until he learned to be more considerate. He could damn well wait until he learns that.

Could people stop excusing it because of ADHD? ADHD doesn’t mean being inconsiderate and rude and injuring those around you. My DH and my teen DD both have diagnosed ADHD. They don’t do this multiple times a day. It’s a very very rare occurrence and probably no more than a NT person. A quick “Hey! That hurt! Don’t be rude!” does the trick.

@Jarstastic For your own safety you need to ban him from being in the kitchen with you, or at the very least you need to get angry at him every time he does it and make him leave the kitchen or sit at the table and wait. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t do his chores. He just has to wait to do them. I’d probably also run through some rehearsals of saying excuse me and waiting to open a cupboard or drawer. It helps my DD and DH to learn things. For example stand in front of the dishwasher tablet cupboard. Have DS say excuse me, then block the cupboard with your hand and say “and now you wait until I acknowledge you and move out of the way. DO NOT open it until I move out of the way”. Repeat. Then onto a spoon drawer for example. Repeat. Like rehearsing for a play. The practice will help to get the expected behaviour pattern into his memory. As for the forced hugging tell him no and block him, and discuss consent with him. Consent isn’t just for sex. It’s for all physical contact.

There was no need to quote the whole OP.

Sorry but iv 3 adhd boys and none of them has ever repeatedly open cupboard doors or drawers on me. They stand back and wait. The times in early they have tried to push past etc when they were you ger they got a very sharp word from me

They have also been taught to ask for a hug as they got older so they don't squish people or force unwanted attention on someone

Lovely, that'll teach your son to be respectful!🙀

Are you kidding? My 6 year old gets her own cereal!

OP I think making him wait till you've finished whatever you're doing before he can come in is a good plan. However I disagree with some that it's coming from a place of malice in him. Teens can be like big dogs and teens with adhd traits are the biggest, bounciest labradors of them all.
That said, we still train dogs not to jump up and hurt people so he does need to learn!

Teens can be like big dogs and teens with adhd traits are the biggest, bounciest labradors of them all.

Rubbish @Thatsrhesummeroverthen . My DD is far from that.

So much ridiculous stereotyping happening in this thread about ADHD. People with ADHD can learn, they don’t “have to” hurt people, they can be considerate. Raise your expectations FFS.

you think mummy should be making it for a 13 year old?

Couldn't agree more. You can really see who is raising these bullying entitled men. Firstly he's been diagnosed via 5 or 6 posts from OP and now he just can't possibly help it because the poor lamb has ADHD. Utter drivel.

As a pp said, this is a power play/dominance thing. Does he do it to his father? I suspect not. Since you've tried everything else, personally I'd give him a god almightly shove right back next time and ask him how humiliating it felt.

I think you have to move to simple clear commands: Wait! Or Step - back! Or Stop! No discussion or explaining. You can use a gesture too like a flat hand up - not agressive - more like a lolipop lady. If he is affronted, you just need to keep calm and say it again, "you need to wait till I am finished".

If he doesn't stop you tell him to move away out of the kitchen till you are done, and use the words earlier and earlier, so if he continues, he is actually waiting outside the kitchen till you are done. So if he is already next to you or even reaching: Step-back! If he is coming to the area where you are "DS - wait"

You could explain how it's going to work briefly, but I wouldn't go too deep. This is just how it's going to be. More words aren't going to help at this stage or in the moment. The talk of consequences and punishments and more talkings too isn't going to work - they simply stop listening. There is a whole section in that parenting classic "How to talk so teens will listen.." called "Say it in a word"

I know it's tedious and possibly feels like you are training a dog, but he is becoming a single minded teen and basically they are like giant toddlers with added self-absorbtion (there is as much brain development going on in there as when they were learning language and walking!). And really try not to take it personally. He may well not do it with his Dad, simply because his dad has previously just barked stop, without even tinking about it.

The conversation about respecting space and being careful and considerate are of course ongoing as they grow up, but in dealing with this you just need to repeat the instruction.

[as you can see I am very wordy and struggle with this technique!! But it really does help]

My brother used to do this to me along with the forced hugs that were more about demonstrating his strength than anything else.

Don’t allow him in that space with you. Your husband needs to get on board with this as well. This is not clumsiness, he knows exactly what he’s doing. Stop telling him he’s big as well, it’s just feeding his ego.

I'm not sure why people are quoting my post and saying that it's rubbish as teens with adhd still have to learn. I literally said he needed to be trained not to do this.
But I don't see it as helpful to the Op to paint her son as some woman-hating bastard when it is more likely he's being thoughtless and impulsive.
Everyone knows (I would have thought) that girls with adhd present differently to boys so I'm not sure that "my dd doesn't do this" is as much of a rebuttal as you think.

A task related to the making of breakfast.

I think definitely send him to wait at the doorway until you've finished in the kitchen every time he does it. He needs to be inconvenienced every time he does it to you. Or every time he comes into the kitchen and you are there, remind him that he needs to be gentle and keep an eye on you, and if he hits you with anything, explain what the consequence will be, screen time removed or whatever. You must teach him that everyone is entitled to personal space.

Just one thing to check though. How's his eyesight? I used to bump into things and people, and misjudge distances, until I got glassed. Might be worth checking.

I’ve talked to one of his siblings who is at university (brother who is bigger than him) and he says he does it to him sometimes, though other times does say excuse me and wait.

Thanks for tips. I think for now I’ll let him get on with dishwasher (he only does it 2-3 times a week) and if I need to go in soonish, tell him to focus so he’s out of the kitchen in 15 minutes. Anything else he is in the kitchen for would be quick so I can wait. And if I’m in the kitchen first and he does it to me again, I’ll tell him to leave the kitchen until I’ve finished.