13-year old bumping into me in the kitchen

[Jarstastic]

This seems a small thing compared to some of the drama from an elder sibling, but it’s getting me down.

13-year old son will want something from a drawer or cupboard (usually in the kitchen but sometimes in another room) and if I’m standing in front of it, he opens it regardless! Like I’m not there. I have reiterated it over and over. he says sorry. I have previously said sorry doesn’t mean anything without changed behaviour.

He has now started saying excuse me, but then carries on regardless, doesn’t wait for me to respond or move. I’m not sure if he does this to other people as others aren’t around so much these days.

He did it again yesterday, opened dishwasher when I was in front of it and I got bashed by it. His father was at the kitchen table and told him, he said sorry and his father said it’s not good enough to say sorry anymore, you’re doing it regularly. You are a big boy (he is now a few inches taller than me and fairly solid), stop barging in. He is a tad childish for his age.

10 minutes later (!) he said excuse me but then opened cupboard door into me. I got upset and said you didn’t even give me one second to move. Father heard it, came in and was not impressed and took him to another room, had a serious chat with him, then sent him to bed.

This morning, I was in the kitchen stirring milk into my coffee, he comes into the kitchen gets a bowl out of the bowl cupboard, then comes over to where I’m standing, opens the drawer with spoons, straight into my stomach!!

Your children didn’t get involved in meal prep until 16?!

He’s 13!
Responses like this are why so many young people are totally incapable when they arrive at university.

this - its an inattentive adhd thing.
does he also show traits of hypermobility? some hypermobile children can not judge their own space - especially teens who are growing.
just train him to count to three before he opens draws if someone else in the kitchen

It does sound like he just generally lacks spacial awareness rather than doing it maliciously.

It's more in line with motor planning issues, trouble with sequencing tasks ie. Waiting, or doing things in order, getting tired or restless easier because movements take more energy.

Does he have any issues with handwriting or is he generally clumsy?

I'd look at dyspraxia before anything else if you're concerned it could be developmental.

Hmmmm! I wonder if he shows these traits around bigger boys at school.

Child locks…?

When he did it this morning, I turned my face to look at him and he looked at me, horrified at himself I think. literally the morning after he’s been sent to bed for it. Attention span of a gnat.

the thing is adhd kids get told off for forgetfulness and its damaging to their self esteem.
ADHD in children and young people - NHS

@Jarstastic i’d make him wait to use the kitchen until you're done.

It’s a power thing - growing up my mother always did this to me I’d be pushed out of the way or my hand knocked aside if I was getting water and she wanted to fill
the kettle for example . It’s to show dominance

The other thing you could try is verbally intercepting as soon as he enters the kitchen.
Say 'stop, wait, don't be in the part of the room where I am'

Every time he does it I would make him stop, go back out of the room and try again, mindfully, to say excuse me and then wait for you to respond. If he does have ADHD practicing this will help it to become a habit, don’t ever let him get away with it. His brain will eventually realise it is less effort to pause, ask you to move and wait for you to respond before going about his task than it is to barge ahead and then be forced to start the whole task again.

So now you have learnt that you can punish him out of it what next?

An ADHD brain doesn’t learn that.

Is it possible that he’s dyspraxic and thinks he’s opening the cupboard a small amount so he doesn’t hit you but either can’t judge the amount to open or is opening a lot wider ? This isn’t clutching at straws thing.

It used to grate when some parents taught their toddlers to hug people as an apology for hurting them. If someone hurts you, the last thing that you want is a hug and many kids would have pushed away someone who looks like they were coming at them again. Yanbu to tell your son that the last thing you want from him is a hug after he’s hurt you. Hugging you when you accidentally hurt yourself is one thing but it’s ok not to want him hugging you when he’s the culprit.

You have no choice but to tell him not to use the kitchen when you are. He can handwash the knives as part of the dishwasher routine because something is very wrong when he’s hurting you.

Obviously can’t be ‘punished’ out of it as he did it again this morning!
As I mentioned his dad had a serious chat with him and then told him to go to bed. It was actually his bed time by this time anyway. we usually let him stay a bit later and we were going to watch a programme together, but he’d taken so long wandering in and out of the kitchen whilst doing the dishwasher it was too late to start a programme.

Does he game a lot? I have 3 sons and the gamer does this . (Could be coincidence idk why only he does it and not the other two )

This is exactly what I would do.

I agree it's a power thing possibly subconscious and I would thrown in lack of awareness about boundaries, entitlement and respect. My mother dies it and gets narky if she's pulled up. She's 89 and has narcissistic tendencies.

And what else did you do? Just looked at him? What were the consequences for him doing that?

There needs to be an immediate consequence.

Even if he does have ADHD he still has to learn to respect other people's space. The forced hugging is also shit.

Can people stop blaming ADHD or not knowing his own body size? He's not bumping into her. He's saying "excuse me" and then hitting her because didn't jump quick enough. That's not an accident, he knows she's there.

I fucking doubt he's doing it to his father.

I said in a previous post. This morning, I said calmly he needs to wait and if he really can’t wait for some reason say excuse me and wait for the person to respond before moving physically.

i didn’t do anything further because of what happened yesterday evening, he looked horrified as he remembered and his dad was taking him out this morning for a hobby we want to encourage.

Well, gosh, I guess women should just expect to be hit by ADHD men they're married to as they can never learn?🙄

I wonder how often it happens with ADHD women hitting men with cabinets though.