Do I let my 14yo daughters boyfriend come on holiday with us?

[peachie82]

My daughter is 14 and has a boyfriend of 4 months although they have been friends longer . He’s a nice lad and they seem to get along very well. They spend a lot of time together either just the two of them or with their wider friends groups.

at May half term we usually go to a caravan park at the coast for a few nights. She’s asked if he can come this time. The caravan has three bedrooms so he would have his own room but it’s right next to what would be her room. I feel they are at the stage where things might happen, certainly if it was up to him. She does seem very comfortable with him and so far he seems to have been respectful and takes things at her pace, but I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything.

i just want people’s options about if you think we should take him with us or if you think it’s a bad idea. She loves the idea of them having a little holiday together and they are old enough to go off for walks etc together as it’s a very small and safe place, beach, arcades, shops, places to get food etc.

I haven’t asked his mum yet, she might say no anyway.

I can see why you’d consider it op. My DS is 15 and has been with his GF for a year. I’m saying no this year. Why can’t it wait until they’re 16?

You clearly don’t have teenaged daughters

Wound up? Not at all? Safeguarding issue - you have taken it to the extremely and them some. Absolutely ridiculous.

You didn't answer the question. Would you put it on CPOMS if the family took their daughter's 14 year old girl friend on a 3 day holiday with them?

Do you put on CPOMS when there is a school trip for a few days and you take a mixed class of boys and girls? As it would seem, going by your analysis, that this must follow.

Gestapo.
Honestly, get a grip. There is safeguarding and there is hysteria and fearmongering.
Lots of young teenagers go abroad with other families that I have known.

You will see I answered this question already. But as you haven’t read my reply properly, here it is again for you:

1. No

You really do need to calm down. If you have read my previous posts you will see we have to report many things, even if we believe they are insignificant. As the majority of posters on here have said, it is not normal for children who are in a relationship to go on holiday together. Going away with friends is normal. Hence, the reason why this would passed to the DSL. Now, it might come to nothing, but reporting it is a must. Because it is not conventional.

Most things that get reported and recorded on cpoms probably doesn’t get communicated back to the parents because the DSL will have made an assessment. But any Teacher that is regularly trained in kcsie and signs the disclaimer on every September inset day, will absolutely report this on cpoms. Because it is not normal for children in a relationship to go on holiday together. Together with separate families yes. But not together.

When a school trip with mixed sexes is planned there are many safeguards put in place that are signed off at many different levels. As a teacher I would not know if the parents were safety conscious or care at all. So I would put it on cpoms. Then it is the responsibility of the DSL to check.

Not all parents are good patents. Not all parents care. Some parents are unfortunately very immature and would encourage a sexual relationship.

We don’t take any chances with safeguarding.

2 girl friend could be having a sexual relationship so you would report a girl friend going on holiday with the family as well? No, there is hysteria and fearmongering and that's you. I am calm as a cucumber - it's you that is trigger happy gestapo.

I know plenty of teenagers who have gone on trips with other families. So when you say, its not the norm, maybe not the norm for you and the people you know but there is life outside of your school and where you live.

If it's only half an hour on a train, could he just come and join you for the day?

I wouldn't invite him for the whole time, puts pressure your dd (not to have sex, you can't fart in a caravan without everyone knowing about it, but just makes the relationship a bit serious l think)

To be consistent then you would need to report anyone taking someone who is not their child on holiday. If it's a girlfriend they could be exposed to older brothers, friends of older brothers, younger brothers and fathers/uncles. From a safeguarding perspective this would surely be way more of a risk than two kids in a relationship?

I'd have no issue with that actually. I certainly wouldn't be reporting it to the Safeguarding Officer as a teacher, that's for sure.

What you're actually asking yourself is whether you trust your DD to not sneak around. I used to stay at my BF house when I was 18/19 and separate bedrooms meant just that. We weren't sneaking around at night.

I completely understand what you are saying here. I suppose it’s about norms.

End of the day it would be reported to the DSL and hopefully just stay on record or the head of year might have a quiet word with the kid.

As I said, most stuff probably just stays on record. Parents are certainly not contacted about everything that is put on cpoms.

As I have already said most reported concerns probably don’t get back to the parents anyway. They stay on record incase they form part of a bigger picture. You need to accept that teachers would record this ( whether they agree with it or not might I add). It is just what it is.

I have taught for many years and yes many teens do go on holiday with each other. I have took my kids mates on holiday with me. Yes, even where I live. Struggling to know what point you’re making to be honest.

Anyway I won’t be replying to you. All you need to know is that teachers would report it to the DSL. That’s it. Whether the teacher thinks it’s OTT or not, that’s not our call.

Yep, beware of the Gestapo. These ultra do gooders that think they are righteous in their thinking and actions.

Don't be so ridiculous.

So if she has a different boyfriend in a few weeks time will you invite them on holiday too? You will set a precedent.

No, as I have said, we have known this boy a while. We know his parents. He’s not an unknown quantity. I would not take someone who is a stranger to us away for the night. But also as I’ve said, we have decided not to this time anyway.

No. They’re going to break up. It will hurt her more if she has memories of a holiday with the lad. Don’t make it more intense than it is.

They are 14, absolutely no way.

No different from going on holiday with your best girl friend and then the relationship breaks. Probably hurts more to fall out with your best friend than a boyfriend. How would you know?

Heartbreak at age 14. Life experience.

My DS15 (year 10), has a GF (also 15), they've been going out since Christmas. GF is a really lovely girl, spends a lot of time at our house, we like her a lot, know her family etc but if they asked my DS to go on holiday with them I would say no, not because of concerns over underage sex etc but because I wouldn't want to create a situation where my DS might feel that he 'owes' his GF or her family anything, where he might for example feel like he has to stay together with her just because they are going/have been on holiday together, or spend more time with her. Teenage relationships are so unpredictable, one minute they're head over heels in love, the next they've split up. I am absolutely not saying this is the case with your DD and her BF at all, this is just how I would feel, I would worry about any pressure the holiday might put on my DS.

@Odin2018 you seem to feel quite strongly about something that has literally got nothing to do with you.

And FWIW, I was born in the 20th century, and I actually think you sound like a raving lunatic saying people that would say no to a 14 year old's "boyfriend" coming on holiday are the Gestapo. Actually strike that, you sound like a 14 year old yourself.

Odin you sound like the type of person who is trying to rationalize, in fact normalise, young people getting into relationships beyond their years and capabilities.

I would cpoms you straight away. Without a doubt.

You sound like you were beamed down from another planet. Children from the dawn of time have had boyfriends and girlfriends in their young teens. You must be absolutely blind.

Well that's where you've misread. I was talking about the teacher logging this as a safeguarding concern on the CPOMS was the Gestapo. Don't push your own words when this was not what I stated.

You have really lost me now. Yes I am aware teens have relationships as did I at that age. Not a scooby what that has to do with the price of fish. Very odd.

You would blow your stack if you saw what actually gets reported in a school!