Do I let my 14yo daughters boyfriend come on holiday with us?

[peachie82]

My daughter is 14 and has a boyfriend of 4 months although they have been friends longer . He’s a nice lad and they seem to get along very well. They spend a lot of time together either just the two of them or with their wider friends groups.

at May half term we usually go to a caravan park at the coast for a few nights. She’s asked if he can come this time. The caravan has three bedrooms so he would have his own room but it’s right next to what would be her room. I feel they are at the stage where things might happen, certainly if it was up to him. She does seem very comfortable with him and so far he seems to have been respectful and takes things at her pace, but I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything.

i just want people’s options about if you think we should take him with us or if you think it’s a bad idea. She loves the idea of them having a little holiday together and they are old enough to go off for walks etc together as it’s a very small and safe place, beach, arcades, shops, places to get food etc.

I haven’t asked his mum yet, she might say no anyway.

No. 14 is too young.

Seems bizarre when schools allow boys and girls to stay in the opposite sex dorms on holidays, and use opposite sex toilets and changing rooms when they simply say they're 'trans'!

Do you report boys (who identify as girls) using the girl's toilets? And vice versa?

No. My school didn’t allow this.

As a 14 year old many moons ago I was allowed to bring my boyfriend aged 17 of several months on a family camping holiday. He slept in his own tent away from the family tent. Looking back I can see I felt under intense pressure the whole week away. Whenever we went walking alone in the sand dunes he was pressuring me for sex, not full sex but I felt so stressed and uncomfortable. I was embarrassed in front of my family at the boyfriend’s lack of good manners and felt loaded down with responsibility, worried that our simple family camping trip was too unsophisticated for the boyfriend. I agree with the majority of the comments here. Although she may seem outwardly sensible and mature ( as I did) she is a child. Don’t let her have to deal with adult responsibility and emotions before she has to.

I would absolutely CPOM this as well. I’ve been a teacher for thirty years.

Ok I’ve taken all the comments on board and decided not to allow him to come this time

I went to Devon with a bf and his parents at 14. A different bf came abroad with us at 15 and 16 and 17 I went to Cornwall camping with a different bf

Agree with this.

Why the overnights at 14, even if it's for 3 days?

Don't facilitate this OP, if he pressures her, she will blame you for putting her in that position at such a young age.

She may not say anything so as not to spoil the holiday. Her home/family should be a safe space, even on holiday.

Children don't go on holiday with boyfriends. No. This is a silly thing to consider.

If it's only half an hour away, sure invite him for the day or something.

Surprised at the responses, honestly. My mum always said she'd rather let us (me and sister) have people over so they'd know what was going on and I think there's truth to that. She got to know our friends/boyfriends far better than other parents because she was like that, and we were open with her too because of that. The fact he'd have his own room makes me think it's not an issue but obviously everyone else is imagining the 'typical' teens who'd sneak around to do all kinds of things... I get the feeling you think it would be nice for both of them but that you're worried the decision could end up with you feeling daft for having let them (especially given the responses here!). I'd go with what you know, how you feel about him/her etc.

I feel the same as how you describe your mam. My daughters friends are always welcome at mine and her and I (and her dad) have have an open and honest and close relationship but still very much parent and child with clear boundaries. I am honestly surprised at the amount of people so vehemently against what I suggested however I have taken it on board and explained to my daughter that he won’t be coming this time.

I agree with “softandquiet”. ..
I have a 14 year old girl aswel , & I wouldn’t be bringing her bf if she had one with us OP on hols ..
A girlfriend , yeah of course 😊

Aww, well, I'm glad he's welcome at yours the rest of the time. The whole 'safeguarding/school' stuff does sound worrying, tbh. Hope you all have a lovely time anyway!

Hey OP 👋
I also have a very good relationship with my daughter , but I do feel at 14 , they are young to be going on family holidays together, that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️..

Always welcome at ours, he’s a lovely lad and we treat him like any of her friends. I explained my reasons and she was disappointed but she gets it. She would be bloody mortified if the school got involved with safeguarding concerns and referrals and anything like that when it truly is quite an innocent thing from their POV

You’re kidding yourself. My parents were very strict and I was policed by them. It didn’t stop my boyfriend for pressuring for sex constantly. It felt such a heavy burden but I wouldn’t have dreamed of confiding in my parents. I ended up have sex just before my fifteenth birthday. I hated to think my daughters or anyone’s daughters would go through the same thing. Luckily they didn’t have boyfriends until a few years later. It’s not just about the sexual relationship. When my girls were teenagers I read a book of advice on bringing up girls. What really resonated with me was a couple of lines where the writer said that from the point of having sex to having orgasms there was a gap of several years. So you could say to your daughters if you are having sex it may please your boyfriends but don’t expect to get anything out of it for yourself! Over and above the physical sex the worse bit is having to consider the boyfriends feelings and cope with possessiveness and behaviour that you might find embarrassing and confusing and not feeling truly free. We will spend our adult life if we are in a relationship always having to consider and think of the other person and make accommodation how ever much we may love them. Why do we want to star all that at the age of 14?

Besides being only 14, i feel a 4 month relationship isn't long enough either. I wouldn't allow it even if she were 16 and had only been dating 4 months.

I get that they haven been a ‘couple’ that long but they have been friends for longer and We have also known him longer too. Anyway we have decided not to invite him to join us this time.

Good to hear that! Unfortunately many do and throw safeguarding out of the window.

At 14???

Surely you don't make things easy for them!!

And I know people will say they'll find a way, but they might not.

What century were you born in?

Why is that a safeguarding issue? Would you put in on CPOMS if the family went on a 3 day holiday and took another of her 14 year old girl friends with her? Absolutely ridiculous! People are absolutely in fearmonger and hysteria mode.
How would the teacher know unless the parents, the girl or the boy told you or do you report gossip?
A safeguarding issue? Honestly, get a grip.

In response to your questions.

1. No
2. Yes we absolutely report gossip.
3. Potentially but hopefully not

You sound very wound up. Perhaps you forgot to take one of your mamas little helpers, hence why you are telling strangers on the internet to get a grip during the early hours of the morning.

Absolutely. Without digressing the thread, the rules were very clear whilst that madness was prevalent.