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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Do I let my 14yo daughters boyfriend come on holiday with us?

333 replies

peachie82 · 26/04/2025 07:08

My daughter is 14 and has a boyfriend of 4 months although they have been friends longer . He’s a nice lad and they seem to get along very well. They spend a lot of time together either just the two of them or with their wider friends groups.

at May half term we usually go to a caravan park at the coast for a few nights. She’s asked if he can come this time. The caravan has three bedrooms so he would have his own room but it’s right next to what would be her room. I feel they are at the stage where things might happen, certainly if it was up to him. She does seem very comfortable with him and so far he seems to have been respectful and takes things at her pace, but I’m sure she doesn’t tell me everything.

i just want people’s options about if you think we should take him with us or if you think it’s a bad idea. She loves the idea of them having a little holiday together and they are old enough to go off for walks etc together as it’s a very small and safe place, beach, arcades, shops, places to get food etc.

I haven’t asked his mum yet, she might say no anyway.

OP posts:
Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:01

faerietales · 26/04/2025 07:57

Exactly! They’re kids - they’re too young to be in this kind of situation. What if they have an argument in the car or break up in the middle of the holiday?!

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If they had an argument and broke up during the holiday, OP would pop the boy on the train and let his parents know. This is overthinking! Taking him abroad for a week could be a problem in that way, but not 3 days in a nearby caravan.

BelfastBard · 26/04/2025 10:02

At 14, I wouldn’t. Too much too young. Joining on family holidays is something I would leave for serious adult relationships.

faerietales · 26/04/2025 10:02

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:01

If they had an argument and broke up during the holiday, OP would pop the boy on the train and let his parents know. This is overthinking! Taking him abroad for a week could be a problem in that way, but not 3 days in a nearby caravan.

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It's not overthinking at all. They're fourteen - they don't need to go on holiday together at all. Putting them in a situation they're too young to handle is grossly irresponsible IMO.

Showerflowers · 26/04/2025 10:03

Dsis was one of these silly parents who were very laid back and let her dd holiday with her bf, he slept over at theirs “on the sofa”. She was 14 ffs. No teachers to safeguard her as she was homeschooled. Being the cool mom is a disaster imo.

so anyway years on a my dsis has no relationship with her dd. Dd is angry that her mum didn’t protect her. She was too young. It’s scarred her for many reasons.

don’t be a cool mum

Original poster
peachie82 · 26/04/2025 10:05

fourelementary · 26/04/2025 09:56

@peachie82 I have two adult kids so have gone through the teenage years…and survived. So far lol as I’m not out of it yet either. I also was a teenage mum as was my daughter. So I can’t say I got it completely right.
I can say that, like many young girls, I was in relationships from a young age and had a “steady boyfriend” age 14 who I later got pregnant to and married. I do agree with the posters here saying that to some degree going on holiday gives a more serious overlay to the relationship of domestic life and living together vibes- but I completely disagree that not allowing this holiday will make any difference at all to whether that’s how she feels or views the relationship. I think that’s a personal thing that varies from person to person… if she wants to have sex then she will, and I can only say that she needs to understand the contraception available to her and the morning after pill. And that every single time you have sex it can end in pregnancy. For some reason that was the issue for my dd- she “mostly” used contraception and to this day doesn’t know why it wasn’t always… (and freely admits to just being horny and stupid in the moment). My ex H and I had sex in a TENT whilst my parents slept in the same tent on a camping holiday. Also in the shower block at the campsite. My parents had NO idea (and still don’t to this day!!!)
What could my parents have done differently? I guess being a little less naive would have meant we had less opportunity BUT it wouldn’t have stopped us.

So fast forward 13/14 years and our son (now my son as exH long buggered off) has a lovely girlfriend. Polite, clever and a good influence on him for school etc. Both of them said they were not in a sexual relationship early one and tbh I don’t think they were. No signs or caught, and if they had been I’d have been more annoyed at the lack of honesty than the sex. They did have sex after they were 16 and were honest about that and had sleepovers at hers which her mum was happy for but not me and they broke up after High school without drama. She came on a family holiday with us when they were 15… separate rooms- and I probably put them off domestic life as I had toddlers and babies by then too!

What I am saying is you can’t change whether or not your teen has sex. Be honest and respectful towards her and ask for that respect back. I feel terrible that I was disrespectful towards my parents in the sneaking around behind their backs and doing things they’d never suspect of me!

Enjoy your holiday and if you think your dd will have a nicer time with her BF there, then take him too. But equally you may not have many holidays left with just her, so perhaps a weekend away the 3 of you is also a nice idea.

Oh and FWIW sleeping with her in her room is OTT. You either trust she won’t sneak around and sleep with your husband or you don’t take the BF. Set your boundaries.

Thank you for this very honest reply. I really appreciate it. We will do some thinking and chat to his mum who is lovely and a sensible person. I get you are saying about family time too, we have a lovely holiday to Tenerife booked for the summer, just the three of us, which we are all looking forward to!

just on the planned sleeping arrangement -it actually makes sense as the double room has an en-suite so my daughter likes the idea of having her own bathroom on hand and not having to share that with her boyfriend! And my husband snores so a couple of nights of peaceful sleep will be welcomed!

OP posts:
Jesss21 · 26/04/2025 10:08

Ddakji · 26/04/2025 08:43

I think you’re in danger of adultifying her, @peachie82. She is 14. She doesn’t get to make decisions like this - that’s your job as a parent. Trust? I think that’s actually a bit unfair on a young teen - how many adults end up doing stupid things? She’s just a child!

I think he shouldn’t come because I think a break from each other is a good thing (just as I think a break from your friends at this age is a good thing - it’s all so intense these days). Unfortunately these days with mobiles it’s not a proper break but I think it’s as good as you’re going to get and it’s no bad thing.

This. You need to step up and start parenting her. She is pretty much a child and her brain has not developed enough to make adult decisions and 'be trusted' to make the correct decisions. That is your job. The fact that you even had to ask the question on here in the first place is ridiculous.

40andlovelife · 26/04/2025 10:09

peachie82 · 26/04/2025 09:31

I am amazed the teachers have time to teach with all of these safeguarding reports they must find themselves doing

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You’re absolutely right. Ask any inner city state comp teacher and they will tell you it can be overwhelming. If they don’t and it turns out it should have been reported then their jobs are on the line. Anything obviously unsafe gets reported along with things that fall outside of conventional social norms just incase it forms part of a bigger picture the teachers aren’t privy too but the heads of year and DSL are

MrsCarson · 26/04/2025 10:14

No.
My mother allowed my sister to bring her boyfriend on our holiday at 16. Worst decision ever. They broke up on day one and changed the tone of the whole holiday as he was stuck with us for 10 days.

Original poster
peachie82 · 26/04/2025 10:16

Jesss21 · 26/04/2025 10:08

This. You need to step up and start parenting her. She is pretty much a child and her brain has not developed enough to make adult decisions and 'be trusted' to make the correct decisions. That is your job. The fact that you even had to ask the question on here in the first place is ridiculous.

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Wow, that’s a bit of a reach. I do parent her. She’s a top student, she runs for her county, she’s healthy and happy and has lots of friends. She’s never been in any trouble, is polite and a really great person. I believe that teenagers, while young and still developing, should be given a degree of autonomy over their lives to make choices and decisions so that they can function as adults. We help her navigate these and she’s not let me down yet.

but I don’t feel like this is ‘asking her to make adult decisions’. It’s literally a boy she knows and likes who we also know and like, spending a couple of days with us as a family. If you think that’s a ‘ridiculous question’ then you must find mumsnet a wild ride

OP posts:
Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:18

faerietales · 26/04/2025 10:02

It's not overthinking at all. They're fourteen - they don't need to go on holiday together at all. Putting them in a situation they're too young to handle is grossly irresponsible IMO.

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Oh come on, what could they not handle? They’ll be walking around amusement arcades in the daytime and having tea with her parents each evening then sleeping in the caravan also with her parents , and going home 3 days later.

Original poster
peachie82 · 26/04/2025 10:20

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:18

Oh come on, what could they not handle? They’ll be walking around amusement arcades in the daytime and having tea with her parents each evening then sleeping in the caravan also with her parents , and going home 3 days later.

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Literally this is exactly it. I’m lost as to why people are talking about playing house and intensity and sex and all these adult things when it’s really quite innocent and not that deep. They aren’t going on their own!

OP posts:
faerietales · 26/04/2025 10:22

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:18

Oh come on, what could they not handle? They’ll be walking around amusement arcades in the daytime and having tea with her parents each evening then sleeping in the caravan also with her parents , and going home 3 days later.

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Again, it's not about the practicalities - going on holiday with a "boyfriend" adds a whole new level of intimacy and closeness to a relationship. There are regular threads on here from grown women who go away with their boyfriends for the first time and struggle.

These are 14 year old children - going on holiday together shouldn't even be something that crosses anyone's minds. They are kids - they shouldn't be playing at being grown up.

BumbleBeegu · 26/04/2025 10:23

FFS! You sound completely unconcerned that your 14 year old daughter might have (possibly already has had!) sex with her ‘boyfriend’ of 4 months!

Be the parent! Of course you shouldn’t be facilitating this by bringing him on holiday!

Genuinely despair! 😩

faerietales · 26/04/2025 10:23

peachie82 · 26/04/2025 10:20

Literally this is exactly it. I’m lost as to why people are talking about playing house and intensity and sex and all these adult things when it’s really quite innocent and not that deep. They aren’t going on their own!

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It doesn't matter that they're not going alone. They are fourteen - they shouldn't be going on holiday together at all.

BetterWithPockets · 26/04/2025 10:26

I’m another one going against the grain here, OP. I think by saying no you’re potentially making it a far bigger deal than your DD means/meant it to be when she asked the question.

Travelban · 26/04/2025 10:32

peachie82 · 26/04/2025 10:20

Literally this is exactly it. I’m lost as to why people are talking about playing house and intensity and sex and all these adult things when it’s really quite innocent and not that deep. They aren’t going on their own!

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Maybe people think it's a step towards 'living together'. For us it wasn't at all, we have come back from the holidays and they won't see each other for at least 3 weeks now as they have so many sporting/hobby related and social commitments plus end of year exams to revise for, so not a step towards anything more committed. Maybe it varies massively depending on context...?

Pinkissmart · 26/04/2025 10:34

Definitely not

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 26/04/2025 10:39

Christmas202 · 26/04/2025 08:46

Honestly op, at this rate most of these people would have a stroke that when me and my husband were just starting to go out,( we had just turned 17) he came on a family mission to clear my grandads flat and get it ready for the council in another country. We all made lifelong memories that we still laugh at to this day. My parents were so thankful for his help. We’ve been together 15 years, married 9 with 2 fabulous kids. It was our first little adventure together. I’m with you on this one id think they would be safer with you guys than hanging around towns.

How is that even remotely the same thing ? I’m guessing from your history here that you actually don’t have a 14 year old child?

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 10:58

BetterWithPockets · 26/04/2025 10:26

I’m another one going against the grain here, OP. I think by saying no you’re potentially making it a far bigger deal than your DD means/meant it to be when she asked the question.

I don’t think it’s OP who is making this into a big deal.

groovylady · 26/04/2025 12:05

Obviously not

Kardamyli2 · 26/04/2025 12:09

Definitely not. What would you do if they fall out, or the boyfriend turns out to be a complete knob?

pinkyredrose · 26/04/2025 12:12

40andlovelife · 26/04/2025 07:18

Even for 3 nights as a teacher I would have to report this to the designated safeguarding officer. Don’t do it.

Safeguarding? Bit extreme.

Op at 16 I would say yes, 14 definitely no.

Original poster
peachie82 · 26/04/2025 12:26

Kardamyli2 · 26/04/2025 12:09

Definitely not. What would you do if they fall out, or the boyfriend turns out to be a complete knob?

weve known him for a year and he’s definitely not a knob, or I wouldn’t be inviting him. They have never fallen out before but if they did, it would be the same as her falling out with a friend. We would not be far from home so he could go home if needed.

OP posts:
Mamaaa333 · 26/04/2025 12:28

Having read all of your post and comments I think that you have thoroughly thought about this and if she wants him to come and you and your husband are ok with it then ask his Mum. Every situation is different and no one knows yours except you. Fwiw you sound like a great Mum 😊

Kardamyli2 · 26/04/2025 12:39

peachie82 · 26/04/2025 12:26

weve known him for a year and he’s definitely not a knob, or I wouldn’t be inviting him. They have never fallen out before but if they did, it would be the same as her falling out with a friend. We would not be far from home so he could go home if needed.

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Fair enough. Best provide them with plenty of contraception just in case!