Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

I have never told my mum when I change location.

Not since I was about 14.

Nor have I asked it of my teens once they were over 16.

You are being unreasonable.

Stop with the tracking and micromanaging.

This is insane OP. He's an adult, you need to calm down before you drive him away.

18?! You need to back off.

Do you tell him your location every single time you move from one place to another? Why not, if it's just basic respect?

Many 18 year olds are living independently. They do not tell their mum every time they leave the house.

He's an adult. This is ridiculous.

If he's still living at home then I'd expect "I'm stopping out tonight, mum" or "I'll be home by 2am" kind of message but other than that... Absolutely crackers to ask for more. He's an adult, when does it end?

He's entitled to privacy and not having to keep updating you when out living his life. It's not disrespectful, he's an adult man and it's not healthy for you to be fixated on where he is. Your old habits of knowing where he is all the time no longer fit as you're now the parent of a grown up

There's no justification for what you're doing. He's being very patient with you but you don't need that information.

You should show him some respect, by not tracking his location now he is an adult.

just requesting a heads up why? I’d tell you to fuck off with your controlling nonsense.

Honestly, this is madness. Stop tracking him.

"if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out"

You cannot do this.

Apart from a ‘i’ll not be home tonight’

I hated my dad for this kind of shit.

You sound very controlling. At 18, he’s an adult. He doesn’t need to tell you where he is going, never mind when he moves from place to place!!!

I used to give a polite “just popping out to town with Sarah” or the like, but tracking them is bonkers as adults.

You are completely crazy and he is correct. You do not need to know when he moves from one place to another.

I ask for a plan if they go out and to be told if it changes. Dd1 used to send her pinned location in WhatsApp if something different was happening. But this was ages 13-15.

At 16, I still ask dd where she’s off to (to show interest in her life and have an idea just in case) but if out her plans change a bit eg. Goes to a friend’s house instead of town, then she’d probably mention it later in conversation but not more. If she suddenly hopped on a train to London, I’d expect her to tell me. However, she’s almost 17 so she wouldn’t technically have to, but our relationship is good so would be unusual for her not to mention it. Dtds are 13 and tell me everything and require lifts (because they are very lazy) but I like knowing where they are.

we tried life 360 as a family and I hated it. It felt really intrusive. I’m usually a bit of a control freak so I was surprised how uncomfortable it made me feel.

Bloody hell I didn't tell my dad where i was going to and from since I was about 13. At 18 I'd have laughed in his face if he asked me to call for every location change. Imagine being 18 and having to say to your mates " just got to let mommy know where I am" he'd get the piss ripped out of him

JFC

No, you should not be tracking him, and yes, it is micro managing whether you want to admit it or not.

I really hope this isn't real...

My DC started Uni 2 weeks after turning 18. I have no idea what he is doing most of the time. It is not normal to track adults in such a way.

My youngest child is 28 we didn't even have tracking 10 years ago they would be horrified if I tracked them,the only things I wanted to know at 18 if they were in for dinner or rough time for getting in at night

You obviously want to know the where's and when's because you expect constant reassurance. Give the kid some space.

He's 18 and an adult.

We actually have got Life360 on our phones because our 18 year installed it as he travels a lot. We only look occasionally. When I had to go to the hospital for a check up he rang and asked if we were OK as he saw we were at the hospital.

He can turn his location off which he does sometimes and that is up to him.

I think if you are obsessive over it though it would be weird.

You sound VERY controlling which will just push him away.

Stop this shit. It's bonkers. He is a young adult now, and should be perfectly able to look after himself. He doesn't need to tell you his every move and you don't need to track him.

My "children" are in their twenties now and all I really want to know is whether they are planning to be in for dinner in the evening, or if planning to stay with boyfriend or girlfriend. That's it.

You need to back off and stop being so annoying or you will drive him away. He is no longer a child.

You have his live location and you still want messages about who he’s with and where he’s going at each stage of a night out? That’s not respect. That’s unnecessary and infantilising.

Yes, YABU and I'm amazed your DS has put up with this shit for as long as he has! He is an adult and what you're doing is treating him like a DC. No wonder people moan that this generation are 'snowflakes' who can't do anything for themselves if there are parents like you.