Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

Definitely way over the top and smothering for an 18 year old. Also find it odd you’d call his chosen date as “scary looking” to him, seems uncalled for.

We're all on Life360 too. It was mainly for when my youngest started secondary school and I started longer hours and sometimes it was useful for an older dc to know their whereabouts.
I find it handy and if eldest has been out late (18), I'll wake up and check the app and know he's home. Or if they need to be picked up, it's useful so I know when to leave.
Sometimes I might text and say "where are you?" And I'll get the response "haven t you checked on your stalking app?"

I would not. Be asking my near 18 year old where she is going and would not expect up dates on her movement. We all share locations on find my friend. I have said she can remove us and if she wishes and she has asked us to keep her on the shared location. But I would only look at that in an emergency situation. What you are asking your son to do is really strange

I always surprised on here how many adults on here think it's normal to track other adults or be tracked.

I can see limited situation where tracking is useful but just because tech means we can doesn't mean we should.

On top of that you are insisting on constant updates on location and companions - they have to be some really big back story to justify tracking an 18 year old.

My eldest at 18 was almost immediately off to uni - other than wanting to know she was well occasional what she did and where she had no idea and was her business. The 17 and 15 at home like to know roughly where they are and when they'll be back but I sure as fuck don't track them - I do that old fashioned thing of trusting them and hoping all the stuff I spent teaching them in childhood went in.

You sound unhinged. My mother is like this. I didn’t tell her when I had a baby, a hysterectomy, or got divorced, until they were all done and dusted. Why do you need to keep such close tabs on him. He’s 18, not 8. He could get married and go to war if he wanted.

Id never ask my 18 to do this. It's bonkers - a quick I'm going to such and such tonight is more than enough!
And you cannot stop him gong out at 18. In the nicest way you need to back off and deal with your anxiety

I want to know what they are doing, as in I know they go to work but if they are out in the evening, where, with whom and when back.

I'd feel absolutely suffocated.

OP, you're unreasonable as well.

DD and I do something similar if we are somewhere not routine, but we both do it to a dedicated WhatsApp group that has no other chat. And our deal was always that when you stopped to eat you take a picture of the food so we know roughly where each other is and has become a silly game.

However you saying he can't go out when he's a grown up if he doesn't do it is unreasonable.

just show a little basic respect ykyk?
Says the woman who can't be bothered to come back to the thread she started.

Firstly, there’s a little bit of leakage in your language with pointing out he’s your only son. That’s quite telling that you mentioned that. Secondly, his freedom as an adult isn’t yours to give. Is that hard? Yes! He needs to be able to break away from you, he’s your son but he’s not your child anymore and he’s not your partner either. I had a parent who made me (I was afraid at that age) check in everywhere all the time and I could never relax, I actually just ended up lying to them because it’s not acceptable OP, it’s controlling and you’re putting your comfort before his when you actually have no right to do so. You being at your wits end is your problem to deal with, not his! He isn’t your husband so the basic respect of letting you know where he is etc doesn’t apply. Again, is it hard, yes! But you have to allow him to be the adult he is because you’re seriously going to mess up your relationship with him otherwise. When my son moved for uni I felt the same but I would never do that to him! What is said was… if he remembered I’d really appreciate if he logged onto his WhatsApp at some point so I could see he was still alive! That worked for us and I can honestly tell you OP we have a great relationship, he talks to me and tells me about his life because he wants to. Was that time hard? Yes! But that was my problem. You’re being out of order here. Seriously. And btw, it’s not that you won’t stop him, you can’t stop him. I’m genuinely concerned by how controlling the wording in your post is. And that’s not really like me on here. Please remeber he is your son but no longer your child.

The only time he needs to tell you is if he's said he will be home by X time, and plans have changed so now it will be Y time.

That is just basic courtesy among adults sharing a house, so that whoever is cooking is not inconvenienced, and so others have no need to be concerned when someone else is several hours late.

Nope. Never done it, with either ds.

I think it’s completely reasonable. However respect for household members goes both ways.

we don’t ask anything of our 15yo that we aren’t willing to have imposed on ourselves. Who are we going out with? What time will we be home? Text if plans change. We follow the same rules.

we can track her phone. She can track ours.

it’s about being a good housemate and taking care of one another.

This ⬆️

Is this a reverse?

I would hope this is a wind up. He is 18. How would you get on if he goes to Uni?

FFS pack it in, he is an adult, he doesn't need to tell his mummy that he is with a friend. You really need to give yourself a shake and grow up.

Bloody hell woman, leave him alone!

This is wild. YABU.

This is just weird.

@AmusedGreenPanda Is he living at home? Or do you mean he is travelling somewhere, like abroad and you are just asking for info if he is country/area hopping on his travels?

What you describe is sick and dysfunctional for an adult. 15 year olds are not adults.

I'm always surprised how many people have issues with basic tracking apps. Even though I 100% agree that obsessive stalking or people wanting constant updates is totally not okay. this is a classic example of a useful technology but one that has HUGE potential for people to take the piss/ abuse it unfortunately.

I don't have an iphone but do have a mac computer and DH and DC all have iphones so we can all sort of track each other (if my computer is on). But there's also a lot of trust - I don't check where DH is unless there's a very specific reason, usually because he's not home from the gym and I'mt rying to work out if he's even LEFT the bloody gym or is en route and how that impacts dinner plans! .

Similarly, I can track my dad but he's in another country - it's literally just there so that if we can't reach him, we can have a look and we have drop in enabled on Alexa for the same reason - none of us have ever used the drop in function to contact each other. It's also why I wouldn't allow the drop in function between our house and SIL - DNs would 100% be dropping in to our Alexa whenever they felt like it. It would be torture!

and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out.

No idea how you can stop an 18 yr old man from going out. He's a grown man, OP. It's hard to believe cause he's been your baby for so long, but it's very true.

Naturally, you can tell him he can't live w/ you if you don't want him to, but expecting him to not leave the house at age 18 is insane.

Frankly, your son sounds like a breath of fresh air - exploring the city, getting frustrated by overbearing parents - this is NORMAL. So many young people are scared all the time, don't have fun irl and can't get their asses off the couch and away from their gaming and devices. Be proud he's normal and healthy and has friends to go romping around the city with. He's escaped that basement dweller existence too many young people get sucked into.

That rings bells - my parents only ever meant well but the anxiety was made my issue - as an adult have had times when it's just easier not to tell them anything.

It's like they why don't you just text or phone thing - first thing we had to do as kid on holiday after long five before unpacking or getting food in was locate a phone box to let DGP know we got there alright. They went same what with phone call though I had mobile but it was inconvenient and they'd worry if it took longer than they expected.

By chance found it easier to send pic on beach next day with upshot no-one was getting upset and stressed.

I honestly dread to think what my parents would have been like with tech like this - well I expect I'd be a much better liar and got a second phone.

Back off, OP. Your son is not answerable to you any more. If he allows you to track his phone then you will usually know where he is, and that's plenty.