Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

Yabu and weird

not the same as a baby monitor.

babies don't need to learn to be independent.

12 year olds do. If they can't learn what the feeling is of being responsible for themselves - knowing they are out and about and are in charge of their own decisions - when will they learn?

this is why kids are arriving at university and they are so anxious they can't make any decisions or take responsibility for themselves.

I still don't agree.

Having Life360 on your family phones does not have to be a big deal. Not everyone is constantly checking it. It's there in the background. It's not stopping kids learning the things you mentioned.

My DH is one of the least anxious people I know. He was the one who installed it on our phones. He is travelling at 18.

Completely agree with @waterrat 's posts - the 2 at the bottom of P10, and also the one on this page.

As parents, we need to allow our children to resolve issues themselves - obviously, when small children, in very controlled circumstances, and then, as they get into upper juniors, then as they move to secondary school, then as they become teens, the responsibility they have gradually increases.

Along with conversations, over years "What would you do if......" so they've thought of all sorts of scenarios before they encounter them. They will also grow in confidence and ability to adult, each time they resolve a small issue without a parent having to do it for them.

@NewBootsWeather

maybe he’s more anxious than you think?

He really isn't.

It is quite amusing how the last couple of posters think they are bringing their children up better because they have never used the app. All those skills they have mentioned is what we've taught ours. It's an app that is used sometimes, they aren't coated in cotton wool and don't know life skills. We have 3 very confident and successful young adults.

Pete, we've done all of these things too.

IMO, basic respect at that age is "mum I'll be staying out tonight so don't wait up".

That's what I expect from my almost 17 year old daughter, and what I'll expect from my sons when they turn that age.

@NewBootsWeather I am absolutely not saying im a better parent than people who track their kids. im actually extremely self critical of most of my parenting!

however - I truly believe that there is a cognitive difference for a child when they are out and about and making decisions and they know that mum/dad know where they are - exactly - at all times. it is literally a difference in brain processing power.

so - whether or not your kids grew into self reliant people - which im sure they did - it doesn't change the fact that I think. it OVERALL and in a general sense is contributing to childhood anxiety/ lack of resilience and parental over involvement to track kids at all times.

@waterrat OK

My DS hasn't got it switched on at the moment and that is up to him.

It did give me peace of mind when he was travelling half way down the country to see his Girlfriend when he was 17.

My son lost his phone, he was very thankful I had the find my phone tracking facility. He managed to find it because of that (he’s in his 20s).

Absolutely.

I think there is a massive difference between having a tracker on the phone - for such purposes as this - and logging in to it all the time to stalk your young adults.

All of my dc have shared a location finder of one form or another with a couple of their friends, or with each other. But only with normal people who use it to help find their phone if lost / stolen or in case they ever actually disappeared (unlikely). Not with people like the OP to weirdly track their every move.

There is a massive difference to the OP and people having Life360 on their phone who hardly check it.