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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

263 replies

AmusedGreenPanda · 23/01/2025 14:37

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

OP posts:
Quinlan · 23/01/2025 15:30

You are 100% wrong. Completely and utterly out of line.

And sound like my parents, who never stopped and when I was late 20s, they hired a private investigator to follow me for a couple of weeks to find out more about my life because I “never tell them anything.” And the reason I don’t tell them anything, is because of shit like this which they did my entire childhood and then into my adulthood.

murasaki · 23/01/2025 15:32

Unless this is a reverse you are totally insane and controlling.

FrenchandSaunders · 23/01/2025 15:32

18! Bloody Nora OP. You need stop this, your poor son. how embarrassing when he's on a date or out with his mates.

I wanted to know if mine weren't coming home as I didn't like to get up at 4am to see an empty bed without knowing. Also if they weren't planning on being home for dinner ... anything else at that age is up to them.

murasaki · 23/01/2025 15:32

Quinlan · 23/01/2025 15:30

You are 100% wrong. Completely and utterly out of line.

And sound like my parents, who never stopped and when I was late 20s, they hired a private investigator to follow me for a couple of weeks to find out more about my life because I “never tell them anything.” And the reason I don’t tell them anything, is because of shit like this which they did my entire childhood and then into my adulthood.

Just wow. I can't believe they did that, outrageous behaviour.

LifeExperience · 23/01/2025 15:34

As a mum with adult children, STOP. You will drive him away.

Dror · 23/01/2025 15:35

Yeah, don't do this.

I can't comprehend how you think you're in the right?

steppemum · 23/01/2025 15:35

Mine are 22, 19 and 17.
if they are at home, I ask them to let me know when they expect to be home (eg out overnight, or back late)
And give me warning in advance if they want/don't want dinner.

the rest is up to them. This is really intrusive tracking of your son.

The only time that is different is that when they do something like climbing a mountain they let someone on the ground know in case of rescue etc.

MsMarch · 23/01/2025 15:36

I think everyone is comfortable with being tracked via phone, fine - I track my dad and DH and my sister both have iphones so track each other! Grin

But to expect constant updates? That's ridiculous at 18. Assuming he lives with you, I'd expect him to give you some broad info such as roughly when he's likely to be home (ie in time for dinner / late / possibly only tomorrow) or if that changes but that's about it.

MaggieBsBoat · 23/01/2025 15:37

Stop
just stop.
It‘s not normal, appropriate or right.

coldcallerbaiter · 23/01/2025 15:37

I have never been allowed to have a live location. I asked my daughter a few years ago for it and she said no. She gave a convoluted app reason as to why. But I suspect she didn’t want to be tracked.

Mine are all over 18 now and live at home. I have been told I have mollycoddled, worried about them and driven them around too much by dh. I want to know what they are doing, as in I know they go to work but if they are out in the evening, where, with whom and when back. These are all approximate answers they can give and they may have lied when they were teens in the past. They are usually with the same people or bf/gf etc. I do not differentiate between gender as I have 2 boys and a girl but I do worry about the girl more if she takes the tube by herself from work in London, which is often. I am on edge after about 8pm and it is dark getting updates of her arrival. When they no longer live with me, I think I will track them much less, because I will not notice their routine and movements as much. I have safety anxiety.

Plus, do they want dinner or not? If not I won’t make it.

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 23/01/2025 15:38

I think if adults in a family live together it is common curtesyto inform f not going to be in for dinner if dinner is normally provided, if you are going to be very late back or away overnight. also if going on holiday incase you want the others to look after a pet or plants etc, Informing as whether going to tesco or aldi or the red lion pub instead of coach and horses is ridiculous unless you were going to met them there.

MrsDoof · 23/01/2025 15:38

If you have live location as well as you say, you are being so controlling and I would resent you and once moved out I think I’d want very little to do with you and I would keep you at arms length.
It’s not basic respect you’re asking for, it’s rigid control, your poor son has to think of you and your feelings when he’s out and about every time he moves location so that you don’t try and then keep him locked in and not allowed out (when he’s a adult).
Unlike a lot of MNers I’m pro tracking and live location for safety if they’re used with respect, but this is quite frankly insane on your part.

murasaki · 23/01/2025 15:38

coldcallerbaiter · 23/01/2025 15:37

I have never been allowed to have a live location. I asked my daughter a few years ago for it and she said no. She gave a convoluted app reason as to why. But I suspect she didn’t want to be tracked.

Mine are all over 18 now and live at home. I have been told I have mollycoddled, worried about them and driven them around too much by dh. I want to know what they are doing, as in I know they go to work but if they are out in the evening, where, with whom and when back. These are all approximate answers they can give and they may have lied when they were teens in the past. They are usually with the same people or bf/gf etc. I do not differentiate between gender as I have 2 boys and a girl but I do worry about the girl more if she takes the tube by herself from work in London, which is often. I am on edge after about 8pm and it is dark getting updates of her arrival. When they no longer live with me, I think I will track them much less, because I will not notice their routine and movements as much. I have safety anxiety.

Plus, do they want dinner or not? If not I won’t make it.

Edited

I'd certainly lie. You need to stop this and think about your own anxiety levels. The GP may be a good start.

FindusMakesPancakes · 23/01/2025 15:39

Wow! When does he get freedom to just be a young adult with full responsibility for his own movements?
The only thing I ask my similar age child is to let me know if he won't be home. He is away at uni, I have no clue where he is and who he is with. I have never tracked him, even when he was younger.
If I was your son, I would be turning off the tracking, refusing to update while out of that house and looking to move out as soon as possible.

Theoldcuriosityshop · 23/01/2025 15:40

How do you think we all managed without mobile phones. No such things when mine was a teenager, had absolutely no idea were they were.

HipToTheHopDontStop · 23/01/2025 15:41

That's nuts. How about you have some basic respect for him, and stop this nonsense immediately?

OnlyTheBravest · 23/01/2025 15:43

And when he goes no contact with you and you wonder why. Look back at this post as it will tell you all you need to know.

MrsAvocet · 23/01/2025 15:44

Tracking has its uses. We have a family group on Life 360, predominantly because DH, DS2 and I all go on fairly long bike rides or walks on our own at times and it's handy to be able to check that whoever is out is still moving and roughly where you'd expect them to be. I also quite like to check progress when someone is on a long journey. My DH travels with work quite a lot and it isn't always convenient for him to call or message me when he arrives somewhere, especially if it's in a different time zone, but I can have a look and know he's got there safely if I wake up in the night for example. But otherwise I can't remember the last time I looked at it. I don't follow anyone's movements on a regular basis.

DaisyChain505 · 23/01/2025 15:44

You’re totally out of order and controlling.

RedHelenB · 23/01/2025 15:44

He's 18, an adult. I dont get this obsession with tracking, I find it weird.

FindusMakesPancakes · 23/01/2025 15:45

coldcallerbaiter · 23/01/2025 15:37

I have never been allowed to have a live location. I asked my daughter a few years ago for it and she said no. She gave a convoluted app reason as to why. But I suspect she didn’t want to be tracked.

Mine are all over 18 now and live at home. I have been told I have mollycoddled, worried about them and driven them around too much by dh. I want to know what they are doing, as in I know they go to work but if they are out in the evening, where, with whom and when back. These are all approximate answers they can give and they may have lied when they were teens in the past. They are usually with the same people or bf/gf etc. I do not differentiate between gender as I have 2 boys and a girl but I do worry about the girl more if she takes the tube by herself from work in London, which is often. I am on edge after about 8pm and it is dark getting updates of her arrival. When they no longer live with me, I think I will track them much less, because I will not notice their routine and movements as much. I have safety anxiety.

Plus, do they want dinner or not? If not I won’t make it.

Edited

Please stop. Using your anxiety as a control mechanism for adults is not good. Your desire to know should not outweigh their right to privacy. Start getting help to address this now because the 'i won't do it as much after they move out' isn't enough. You shouldn't be doing it at all.

mitogoshigg · 23/01/2025 15:45

I never had to tell my parents where I was and never made my dc tell me. They are young adults now

LurkyMcLurkinson · 23/01/2025 15:47

Are you this controlling in other relationships?

coldcallerbaiter · 23/01/2025 15:48

FindusMakesPancakes · 23/01/2025 15:45

Please stop. Using your anxiety as a control mechanism for adults is not good. Your desire to know should not outweigh their right to privacy. Start getting help to address this now because the 'i won't do it as much after they move out' isn't enough. You shouldn't be doing it at all.

Show quote history

I do not track them in any app. I do worry about safety in public transport mainly. I worry about motorways too. One of my dc has a medical condition that could in rare cases have them collapse. That dc knows why I am a bit like that and gives me info on where they are.

Delphinium20 · 23/01/2025 15:49

You are being massively unreasonable. It's not respect to check in every few hours with one's mother when one is 18. It's, frankly, embarrassing to him and unhinged on your part.

I have a 20 DD (she even lives an ocean away!) and a 15 DD and I get that sense of fear for their well-being. It can be paralyzing at times, but your 18 DS does not need to check in w/ you in the way you describe.