Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

*and STOP using him as...

This is nuts and nothing about respect. He's an adult and it's none of you business where he goes. You also can't stop him from going out. You are going to drive him away and I bet his mates think you're mental.

YABVU
This is ridiculous. He's 18.
The basic respect you are on about would be that if he lives with you he lets you know if he's not going to be coming home that night because plans have changed and he wants to crash at a friend's. That's basic respect so that you're not worrying about him not coming home.
Or if he normally eats with you or has said he'll be home for the evening meal on a particular day, he should just send a quick message saying his plans have changed or whatever, so that you're not hanging around waiting for him to show up.
There's no need for all this tracking nonsense and insisting on him messaging his location every time he moves on somewhere else. It's ridiculous.
I went to university at 17. We didn't have mobile phones then, thank fuck. We phoned home once a week or so. Parents just got on with their lives without all this constant need for tracking of what their adult children are up to.

Plain weird.

He is an adult and you need to stop this bizarre, controlling behaviour.

But often the time people are most vulnerable is at home. So no technology can guarantee your safety. I had a dangerous criminal high on drugs talk his way into our block of flats and chase me up the stairs. The police said he had already tried several other houses /flats. Some idiot in my block opened the door.

Luckily I escaped. But all I was doing was returning from collecting my post. And these were nice flats in a quiet village.

You sound really controlling! This is absolutely crazy he will end up really resenting you.

I despise this tracking culture it's not something I've ever subscribed to.

Tracking adult children is very strange.

I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out.

You're going to push him away. Also, how can you stop an 18 year old from going out. When he moves out he's not going to tell you anything is he?

He's 18, not 14.

I have young adult kids including an 18 year old. They only need to tell me if they need an evening meal and if they are going to be out overnight. I last tracked them when they were about 12 and were happy with the deal that they would have privacy as long as they answer my calls which they do. It’s madness that he’s supposed to call you with changes in plans /location at age 18 unless he needs you to pick him up from new location at a different time.

I recommend this Black Mirror episode, OP.

https://www.vox.com/culture/2017/12/29/16791518/black-mirror-arkangel-recap-season-4-review

That would come under a safety issue for me and one of the few occasions it would make sense - and as everyone is an independent adult - financially independent and living in own houses - there no real power imbalances to worry about so is much less concerning.

Tracking young adults on off change they'll be in very small % of crime victim and that you have the ability to get there to stop help there- it's sadly magical thinking.

Thing is these thing track the phone - so getting a second phone means you can bypass a lot of this - so I'm not sure it's the reassurance many on here assume it is either. Trust tends to come in at some point anyway.

Is your 18 year old off to uni in the autumn? Are you expecting him to tell you stuff like this then ? Will you cope knowing that he’ll be doing stuff like coming home at 4am and you’ll have no clue what state he’s in?

I knew someone who still tracked their child in their twenties. At 18 they can be at school, just started driving etc but… is it an element of control? Have we gone a bit ott with the need to know they’re safe? I would have hated this at that age as someone with parents who were ott it would have made me back away faster. Each person will mature at different stages some 18 years may like it as it works both ways but there is a fine line.

I've just looked at my Life360 and it says my DS hasn't been on the network for a week. He's had a new phone and I won't bother him about Life360. I spoke to him yesterday anyway.

If he goes travelling abroad again though he'll probably put it on. I don't think it's weird if they are going somewhere far away and it's just a safety thing. That's if they want to. I know if I was going somewhere far away my DH and DS would want to track me incase I got lost 😂

Six pages of frothing comments and nobody’s noticed they’re repeating what’s been said a dozen times, and the OP hasn’t been back since chucking the outrage grenade!

Why don't you just buy a fake nose and moustache and follow him around - it will be way more reliable than waiting for him to text you and give you something to do of an evening. I hear that putting two holes in the Telegraph newspaper works well also.

Why is it respectful to tell you where he’s going and if his plans change ?

I know but you just never know. I'd rather know where she is than not.

YABU all over this post OP.

I think you're right. But this is my point - I think it's sad. It's sucha useful tech but becuase it is so quickly and easily abused, a lot of people are not very keen.

I barely even use the tracking function onDS. And he's 13!!!

Wow. That is an insane level of micromanaging. And you'd stop him from going out if he disobeyed? How?

Mine aren't 18 yet but once they start going out more and coming back later, the rules will be to let me know if they're intending on coming back/not coming back (I mean if plans have changed) and to be quiet if it's late. Also to let me know if it's going to be a late one in general. If they want to share where they're going then cool. If they don't, then cool.

It's probably a wind up and they just wanted to start a debate about tracking.

You are not being unreasonable at all, in this day and age. I do it slightly differently. I demanded and was given all the phone number of all my dc mates. And I say - send me an emoji every, say 12 hours. If you don't - I will be on the phone to your mates (the embarrassment) who have your location tracking (I don't).

And actually, to add to my posts, my mother is probably not someone I would have allowed to track me, had the technology existed in those days. She 100% would have been watching my movements live, even if I was 35, then texting me constantly to ask if I was having a good time at the pub or why was I still at home at 9am!

If you were always worried about your daughter at university then you should have sought therapy for that.

No doubt you'll call that "Bingo" too.

The normal, healthy response to the abduction of a young woman is to remind oneself that these things happen very rarely and to find something useful to do to distract oneself. Or go for a walk, do your nails, do some mindful breathing, whisper a prayer, whatever.

Nobody is "telling you" what you can and can't do. (You've clearly built up an unhealthy "contra mundum" narrative here). But tracking a grown woman because you can't or won't find a healthier way to deal with your own anxiety problem is not the healthy way to deal with the problem. You are using your child as a means of managing your issues. The fact that horrible crimes happen does not validate your dysfunction.

And what's potentially worse, conditioning your child to believe that monitoring of her whereabouts is "caring" is a good way to prepare her for inability to discern the danger when a boyfriend or husband begins to stalk her. You are breaching boundaries here, and your daughter may well end up paying a heavy price for getting her used to this breaching.