Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

[AmusedGreenPanda]

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

All I will say is my parents were loving, caring, wonderful parents I loved very much, but I left home aged 18 to be able to grow up and get away from my father's anxiety-driven constant checking. He was like it all our lives but we could manage/not feed it once we'd left home. We've suspected he may have had undiagnosed OCD.

This is not at all normal or healthy for either of you. You'll push him out completely.

"...and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out." Erm, how do you plan to enforce this with an EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD?

YABVU

Way too controlling and bordering on obsessive OP. Not healthy for you or him. You could end up pissing him off so much that you’ll push him away.

Let him grow up and enjoy your new freedom!

I always surprised on here how many adults on here think it's normal to track other adults or be tracked

It’s not normal to insist. It’s not normal to check and question every move. In our family it is normal to share locations, but we also have normal boundaries that means it’s not used to control or check.

everyone who has my location and vice versa, absolutely knows, has consented to location sharing, and knows they can switch it off, no questions asked.

my mum and I share locations. Her because she’s 80 and if she falls or there are any issues I can be there quick. She doesn’t really need mine but she loves to check it, makes her feel connected. She also uses it to check I’m not at work before phoning, or to get the kettle on when we visit. I have no issues with this.

I find this location tracking on phones very strange- a few friends still track their kids who are way into their 20s and 30s. Even worse people that track their spouses. Very odd.

That seems excessive and weird. I was working full time at 18 so being asked to tell my mother every time I went somewhere would be bizarre.
She knew I was either at work, running errands or socialising. Those are the only things people that age usually do.
Why the need to know where exactly they are at all times?
If they said they were in Buenos Aires what would you be able to do about it either way?
They are an adult. You really need to start treating them as such or it will be detrimental to them in future.

What you describe is sick and dysfunctional - we've also had the suggestion that the OP sees a doctor. Its like batshit bingo, I did wonder how long it would be before the thread went that way, and in fact it was very quick.

I remember posting a few years ago that I was always worried about my DD at uni, hoping she'd got home safe in the dark - was about the time that young woman was abducted by a police officer - and I was ripped a new one exactly like this. You're not allowed to worry where your kids are or you are "sick and dysfunctional". I asked DD after the thread what she thought and she said I'm so glad you always know where I am, it's nice that someone cares.

Whilst I agree that you might be going a bit too hard on the boy OP, I think tracking is completely normal and does no harm whatsoever. My DDs like to know where I am too!

The thought of having to tell my mum when I was moving location at 18 is awful. If a friend had had to do this I would assume their parents were very controlling. Similar to if a friend told me their partner needed this info.
You have to let go of your child.

Exactly. It's not like op (assuming its not a reverse) will throw him out, as then she'd never know where or what he was doing!

I know your post is supposed to be funny, but it's quite cringe. 🤣🤣 I also don't remember ever keeping my parents updated on my every move at 18 ... it's a bit too much I would say.

Yes you are controlling and trying to manipulate him to do what you want. “If you were mature enough”.

Makes you look daft tbh.

If you carry on like that you’ll never see him as soon as he’s able to move out. They more you try and control him the more he will back away.

I am so fucking glad these tracker apps weren’t about when I was 18 as my mother would have been like you. I live peacefully 100 miles away now.

I have a good friend whose DH is like this and I suspect the same will happen with their chidlren.

I have my twenty year old still on Find My Phone. He doesn’t mind but I never mention it in case he removes it! I don't often use it, only when he’s coming back from uni I’ll sometimes use it to check where he is on the journey. I don’t care what people think as they're only strangers on the internet. It’s not something that comes up in conversation in real life.

my mum and I share locations. Her because she’s 80 and if she falls or there are any issues I can be there quick. She doesn’t really need mine but she loves to check it, makes her feel connected. She also uses it to check I’m not at work before phoning, or to get the kettle on when we visit. I have no issues with this - exactly, what's the big deal? You're trying to look after someone and show some care and concern FFS. Watch out @Ohnonotmeagain - you could become sick and dysfunctional and need the GP ...

We use Life 360, I'd rather be safe. I watch a lot of true crime though.

@MsMarch I expect I have an issue with tracking apps because I have experienced of parents who massively overstepped and controlled for my "own good".

I said I could see limited situation where it is useful and a safely feature - but it is not normal at least not in parenting circles of social circles I'm currently in.

If you'd have an issue with a new partner doing it - then frankly it's just self justification when parenst insist its different with them. It's really hard letting go as parents but necessary.

As they met new parents who come from social and family backgrounds where tracking hasn't been normalised would be seen as a huge red flag.

Over the top. Respectful is sharing a rough plan when you leave and time expected home. An update to time home is nice and was expected when I lived at home as an adult - so they knew if they should lock up, so they didn’t panic if they heard the door and stairs at 2am.

As an adult I location share with some people, but if they checked unnecessarily I’d turn it off. I’ll ask my parents to start sharing theirs in a few years but only use it if they are missing/not picking up calls/need a ride

he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

where's your respect for the fact he's now an adult?

I expect people who live in my home to tell me if they're not coming home for dinner and if they're staying out all night. That's the basic respect I ask for. In return I respect their business and they tell me what they want to. That applies to adult children, DH and MIL.

We really need to stop normalising tracking and micromanaging young adults. It's not something they should think is normal behaviour when a partner starts demanding it.

Unless he has an intellectual disability and you have genuine worries for his safety you are being horrifically controlling.

It's this kind of stuff that caused my husband to go as far away as possible from his parents (mainly mother) when he turned 18. They have now moved near to us to 'help with the grandkids' and its the same controlling, smothering behavior which is causing us to cut contact with them down to a minimum.

Weird. Just weird. Adults should not track other adults unless they have committed a crime and have to wear a tag.

Our whole family is trackable on our iPhones but asking an 18 year old to give you a running commentary on his movements is not normal or reasonable.

Your son is right - you are unfair and controlling and you need to address your issues and usingnhim as a means of managing your dysfunction.

Find a counselor. Work on whatever it is that has made you feel this is necessary or reasonable.

Apologise to your son.

I don't track my 19 year old and I don't ask him where he has been or where he is going. I used to but stopped when he was around 17 when I realised it was making me worry far more than if I didn't know where he was.

He would be out in his car and I'd see he had stopped somewhere for a while and I'd start worrying that he had crashed into a ditch. It wasn't good for me or him when I was constantly worrying about his safety.

DD16 still shares her location with us but I don't look at it unless she is later home than we expected and not answering her phone.

I went to Uni when I was 18 and 1 month and never once told my parents what I was up to. You are unreasonable and controlling and he won't thnak you for it.