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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Should we really be tracking adult children even if it is not to micromanage them? AIBU for still doing so?

263 replies

AmusedGreenPanda · 23/01/2025 14:37

So basically, I do not mind my 18 year old only-son having freedom doing what his heart desires while out and about, even if I happen to hate the shit he is doing or think the place is sketchy, his call after all so long as he is mature, but however I request that he tells me when moving from one destination to another in a change of plan, I really could care less about him giving me detail, but at least a message along the lines of “hey mom, me and [some random acquaintance of his’ name] are now heading off to [address of second destination]”. As well as share a live location with me incase of an emergency (not to micromanage him, but just so needed references are there in case of a dire emergency). As such I tell him “yes go ahead if you really want to take your scary looking date to the graveyard to chill, and go club your ass off or whatever afterwards, like you always say, but let me know when you change locations, it is respect”. However later he started asking but what if he ends up only letting me know he is on the way from place one to place two, or also says he really does not feel the need to be going “letting my mom know real quick” a billion times and how inconvenient that would be if he is according to him, going urban exploring in a large area for example, despite the fact I told him I won’t stop him going wherever he wants to go, just requesting a heads up. I tell him in response if he is mature enough he would automatically tell me and that in second sense, it is basic respect and politeness, and if he constantly shows disrespect then no going out. He tends to get defensive and slightly angered over this, thinking I am unfair and controlling over him, and saying parents of some peers are not like this and that he wants to be that way too, and we have had fights about this and it has been getting me to wits end, when I legit told him, he can go out and about wherever his heart desires, but just show a little basic respect ykyk?

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 23/01/2025 18:59

Yes, you are VVU OP, this is way OTT for that age.

All I ever wanted to know (dds) was a) to let us know if they decided to stay at a friend’s house, so I wouldn’t be worrying at 2 am, and b) that they’d remembered to take a KEY! - since dd1 was dreadful for forgetting, and phoning to ask us to leave one under the mat.

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/01/2025 19:06

He really doesn’t need to tell you Op

Maybe take up a hobby or something? Something to fill your time and occupy your mind

dominique36 · 23/01/2025 21:32

ChicLilacSeal · 23/01/2025 17:28

I mean, that's tracking him, isn't it?

Show quote history

I mean, sometimes necessary when the area isn’t safe after he got taken into a car by two lads, phone stolen, beat up and left in a different county with no idea where he was. He is also autistic. I’m not tracking his every move, as I said, it’s for safety reasons. And as I also said, he is happy to do this, it was a joint decision! To each their own.

vodkaredbullgirl · 23/01/2025 21:41
Ariana Grande Singing GIF by The Voice

Another Drop the mic thread, where the OP never responds

NewBootsWeather · 23/01/2025 22:31

I don't think this OP is real. It's a wind up to get people arguing. Which has worked.

Rachmorr57 · 23/01/2025 22:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NewBootsWeather · 23/01/2025 23:32

I'm surprised about this thread. I've got a 18 year old Son and I'm really chilled about a lot of things. Having his ex girlfriend sleeping over, him coming and going as he please, smoking, drinking alcohol if we fancy it. However, we like to track each other.

MushMonster · 24/01/2025 06:52

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 23/01/2025 17:39

Pimps would agree with you too.

Edited
Show quote history

I think that is rather offensive.
You do not like it, do not use it.
But whatever my life has to do with pimps!
Get lost!

Lighteningstrikes · 24/01/2025 10:38

Yadnbu

When ‘older kids’ or anyone in the household for that matter goes out, it’s just basic manners to let the parent/others know where they’ll be, or at least a very rough plan of where they think they’ll likely to be. It’s normal family respect.

If they’re at university I.e away from home, I think that’s a different matter as they’re not living with you, and are totally independent.

Comedycook · 24/01/2025 11:04

Lighteningstrikes · 24/01/2025 10:38

Yadnbu

When ‘older kids’ or anyone in the household for that matter goes out, it’s just basic manners to let the parent/others know where they’ll be, or at least a very rough plan of where they think they’ll likely to be. It’s normal family respect.

If they’re at university I.e away from home, I think that’s a different matter as they’re not living with you, and are totally independent.

Wtf?!

This is absolutely mad..

RedSkyDelights · 24/01/2025 11:16

Lighteningstrikes · 24/01/2025 10:38

Yadnbu

When ‘older kids’ or anyone in the household for that matter goes out, it’s just basic manners to let the parent/others know where they’ll be, or at least a very rough plan of where they think they’ll likely to be. It’s normal family respect.

If they’re at university I.e away from home, I think that’s a different matter as they’re not living with you, and are totally independent.

Depends what you mean by "normal family respect".

Yesterday I had this conversation with my son
Son: I'm going out for dinner with Chris
Me: Ooh, that sounds nice, where are you going?
Son: Not sure yet. Think Chris fancies Italian.
Me: Well enjoy!

That's "normal family respect" -actually not even that, it's just normal conversation.

What would be weird would be me requesting he must tell me what precisely which restaurant he was going to and when, on his way home, he decided to pop to the shop to get a couple of bits, that he let me know this (and exactly which shop) in advance.

anyuary · 24/01/2025 11:22

I see it the same, it's just like a social network for the family, and as a reminder, snapchat which all the Yoof use, has constant tracking for everyone. It is sinister if it is being used to control. Otherwise it's just handy, e.g I look at it and think oh, DS is still in the library, I'll just pop to the supermarket and get snacks before he's back or whatever. Not 'oh, DS is somewhere he shouldn't be according to me'.

NewBootsWeather · 24/01/2025 11:52

I really don't understand how it is a problem if everyone wants to do it in a sensible way. Which is not what OP is talking about doing.

We've got a family Whatsapp group too and send photos, jokes and updates. We aren't on it constantly. Our 18 year has just sent us all a random photo. This was also set up by one of the young ones. We get photos of the Grandchildren as well from the other 2 DC.

Ponderingwindow · 24/01/2025 18:40

shinebrightlikeanemerald · 23/01/2025 15:57

What you describe is sick and dysfunctional for an adult. 15 year olds are not adults.

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Except we have all the adults in our household do the same thing. It’s about making sure people aren’t at home worrying when you don’t show up. it’s just good safety practice.

It has nothing to do with control. Its the kind of thing friends should
do for one another . Hopefully you won’t end up in a ditch somewhere without a phone, but if you do, don’t you want someone to know roughly where you were so the search party knows where to start looking? It could be the difference between help arriving on time or not.

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/01/2025 20:42

NewBootsWeather · 23/01/2025 23:32

I'm surprised about this thread. I've got a 18 year old Son and I'm really chilled about a lot of things. Having his ex girlfriend sleeping over, him coming and going as he please, smoking, drinking alcohol if we fancy it. However, we like to track each other.

Edited

@NewBootsWeather

why??

NewBootsWeather · 24/01/2025 22:05

LuckySantangelo35 · 24/01/2025 20:42

@NewBootsWeather

why??

Show quote history

Why what? Why we track each other?

It was good when DS went travelling. He is only just an adult. We aren't talking about a 30 year old.

If I was travelling on my own at any age it would be nice to having someone tracking me.

We aren't obsessive with it. I hardly look at Life360. I forget I have it.

NewBootsWeather · 24/01/2025 22:15

It makes me laugh how people get annoyed how other families do things different.

If my lad said are you still tracking me whilst I go travelling I'm not going to say Absolutely not, some women on Mumsnet think we are fucking weirdos.

kellysjowls · 24/01/2025 23:27

I find the whole tracking thing really fucking odd.
The only things I need to know where they are, my phone & my keys.
Don't give a shit about anyone else's micro movements and find it so creepy that people do this intentionally or unintentionally

mathanxiety · 25/01/2025 04:53

CandlesAndCrystals · 23/01/2025 17:57

No they can't just turn it off. Not if they have one of these control freaks for a parent who will give them hell for turning it off, quizing them endlessly as to why they did, keeping going on and on and on until the adult child gives them the information they want - about where they've been, who with, activity, timescales etc - and no doubt demanded an explanation of why they didn't want to give this information to the stalker (not wanting to won't be accepted as a valid reason) and extracted an apology for having turned off the tracker and "caused worry/been disrespectful" (they haven't done these things) to the stalker because "didn't they know it's only for their own good?". Control dressed up as concern.

That's how coercive control works. Make it easier for the victim to do whatever the controlling one wants. whilst making it hard for them to stand up for themselves. It's insideous and when someone has grown up with it, it may well not even occur to them that turning off the tracker is an option at all. It's never felt like an option because the consequences of doing so, or trying to have any scrap of privacy at all, are long ingrained and the victim is already brainwashed into believing that they have to negotiate with the stalker to convince/persuade them to "allow" the victim not to be tracked. By this stage the victim doesn't even truly understand what their basic rights are in life, otherwise they wouldn't be trying to negotiate to be able to have them! They'd realise they automatically have them and all they have to do is cut loose from controlling people.

Like the OPs DS, he's trying to explain to her why she's wrong and convince her he's right. What he'd do if he was a truly healthy individual with a solid understanding of boundaries is he'd simply refuse to be tracked and move out ASAP, get a second phone so she is only tracking the stationary phone etc and not feel guilty about it. But he's not a healthy individual with a solid understanding of boundaries because he's been brought up by a control freak. So he's wasting his time having rows where he's trying to convince her not to control him.

Even her comments of "if you want to take your scary date to a graveyard blah blah" is coercion. It's insinuating he's stupid to do that which is belittling him and designed to knock his confidence, it's insulting his date and casting aspersions on their character, it's also making it clear the stalker doesn't want him to go to that place or do that activity. At this point he already knows he'll get hassle for not doing what the stalker wants. Before he even does anything he's being told he's disrespectful (he isn't) if he doesn't comply with the stalkers terms and he's been threatened with future consequences (the stalker "won't let him" go out (illegal - false imprisonment if it's physical prevention, coercive control if it's mind games to achieve it) if he doesn't comply). So words like these start to affect the son's behaviour and where he "chooses" to go and who with (it's not choice, it's being controlled) based on whether or not he can be arsed dealing with the consequences.

Show quote history

Agree with every word.

Stalking, coercive/ control, mind games, brainwashing, and boundaries (breach of) are the necessary vocabulary for this conversation.

Also - conditioning and dysfunction.

Travelban · 25/01/2025 09:16

We are all on life360 , adults and children. It's not used in a controlling way but a practical tool. We live in the middle of nowhere and many of us are always travelling so nice to know who is on track to arrive when and where without constant texting.

Also nice to know they are all safely back home also without having to text

It's used in that spirit though. Nobody questions each others movements. I believe they are all on snapchat and can see each others locations anyway as well as their friends... so it's not that different.

waterrat · 26/01/2025 18:53

I don't even ask my 12 year old to do this - and I don't track him either. I am so glad I've not gone down this route.

NewBootsWeather · 26/01/2025 19:11

waterrat · 26/01/2025 18:53

I don't even ask my 12 year old to do this - and I don't track him either. I am so glad I've not gone down this route.

You probably should track him, he's 12 FFS.

It's a safety device for when children are out and about.

waterrat · 27/01/2025 07:47

@NewBootsWeather how do you think children and teenagers have managed through the ages?

We live in a small city - I want him to learn resilience. He got on the wrong bus the other day and managed to ask an adult for help and get on the right bus and get home and was proud of himself.

I mean - he literally has a phone on him and can call me at any point - unlike me when I was 12 and out with friends.

This is why kids are growing up so anxious - people are giving them the idea terrible things can happen to them when they are out on a saturday afternoon with friends.

waterrat · 27/01/2025 07:51

It's also good for my mental health to be at ease with the fact that when he is out for a few hours I don't know his exact location - he is within a certain range of places and I trust him that he is moving around and not at risk. I mean - what would be happening to a group of 12 year olds? They might be cycling about between parks, they might go to the football cage - I know the type of things they do together. I don't want to stare at a moving dot and track him - it's a form of insanity

and wwhat has happened is the adults who track kids can't then let go of that tracking as the teens grow up.

NewBootsWeather · 27/01/2025 08:05

waterrat · 27/01/2025 07:47

@NewBootsWeather how do you think children and teenagers have managed through the ages?

We live in a small city - I want him to learn resilience. He got on the wrong bus the other day and managed to ask an adult for help and get on the right bus and get home and was proud of himself.

I mean - he literally has a phone on him and can call me at any point - unlike me when I was 12 and out with friends.

This is why kids are growing up so anxious - people are giving them the idea terrible things can happen to them when they are out on a saturday afternoon with friends.

I don't agree.

Things like baby monitors haven't always been around but people now use them.

Ring doorbells etc.

A lot of children like it. They like tracking their parents. Then it's up to them if they want to stop when they are older.

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