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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

395 replies

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 12:48

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

OP posts:
Middleagedspreadisreal · 22/10/2024 20:38

I'd rather anyone be upset other than my Son

Janus · 22/10/2024 20:46

IsitanIssue · 22/10/2024 19:53

With kindness and respect, please let your son go to prom. Have him fly out to you later or leave early. I know it’s difficult to relate to but proms are a VERY big deal to teenagers now. He may very well never look at you the same. I don’t usually quote the OP, but I can already see the long term damage this can do. It’s not worth it.

At his age, different things take priority and stopping him from sharing in this milestone against his will is not good for anyone. His prom is a much more important moment in his life than another person’s 50th.

Be mindful that he is very close to adulthood and won’t legally need to be following your orders in a few years time. One day he may return the favour of not attending something that is important to you.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly this.

I’m not trying to be dramatic but honestly this could seriously damage your relationship with your son. I really feel he will remember that one of this biggest days for him wasn’t that important for you.

We’re all assuming flights have been booked but you didn’t say this. If they have someone has to stay home with your son or they be rearranged.

We’re all trying to help you here, don’t take offence to people trying to do that and being a bit upfront with you. I imagine most of us that are replying have had children go to Prom and understand how important it is for them. You have about 9 months to sort this, I honestly think you need to find a solution which allows him to go.

Lilypink · 22/10/2024 21:31

We have done the same. Holiday booked (I tracked back all the proms in recent years) and thought we’d be ok, but the school holding the prom 2 weeks later than usual.

my DD devastated..so she’s not coming with us. I’ll book her a flight the day after prom and she’ll have my DM stay with her and drive to airport.

I’m gutted to miss her BIG special day though. We’ve already bought the dress. She looks beautiful, like a fairy 🧚

btw…this is my second child to do GCSEs. I have never heard of a contingency day??!

gingercat02 · 22/10/2024 22:12

Blondeshavemorefun · 22/10/2024 13:40

When did proms start ?

I'm 51. Def didn't have when I left school in 1989

I'm 55, we had a leavers ball. Same idea but not as much fun I imagine

TheaBrandt · 22/10/2024 22:41

I’m sorry but I don’t think there is a teenager alive that would cheerfully miss their own prom to attend an event celebrating their grandparents marriage. Far too big an ask

Stoneyellow · 22/10/2024 22:51

Lilypink · 22/10/2024 21:31

We have done the same. Holiday booked (I tracked back all the proms in recent years) and thought we’d be ok, but the school holding the prom 2 weeks later than usual.

my DD devastated..so she’s not coming with us. I’ll book her a flight the day after prom and she’ll have my DM stay with her and drive to airport.

I’m gutted to miss her BIG special day though. We’ve already bought the dress. She looks beautiful, like a fairy 🧚

btw…this is my second child to do GCSEs. I have never heard of a contingency day??!

They've been around for five or six years, since after the Manchester Arena bomb I think.

MrsAvocet · 23/10/2024 00:17

TheaBrandt · 22/10/2024 22:41

I’m sorry but I don’t think there is a teenager alive that would cheerfully miss their own prom to attend an event celebrating their grandparents marriage. Far too big an ask

Of course there are. Teenagers are not some kind of homogenous mass and plenty of them aren't interested in Prom. I'm pretty sure that sure that all of my children would have picked a family event, especially a holiday abroad, over their Proms and my middle one would probably have found a mid Winter trip to Siberia without a coat preferable, never mind visiting his grandparents. My youngest got Covid just before his year 11 Prom and he wasn't bothered about not being able to go. At least not once I refunded him the money he'd spent on his ticket anyway. He missed a party, that's all, hardly the end of the world. Most of my DC's friends seemed fairly ambivalent too. I saw very little of the fervour that according to this thread is the norm. Obviously it matters a lot to some, but it's ridiculous to suggest that that's universal.

Pipsquiggle · 23/10/2024 06:21

MrsAvocet · 23/10/2024 00:17

Of course there are. Teenagers are not some kind of homogenous mass and plenty of them aren't interested in Prom. I'm pretty sure that sure that all of my children would have picked a family event, especially a holiday abroad, over their Proms and my middle one would probably have found a mid Winter trip to Siberia without a coat preferable, never mind visiting his grandparents. My youngest got Covid just before his year 11 Prom and he wasn't bothered about not being able to go. At least not once I refunded him the money he'd spent on his ticket anyway. He missed a party, that's all, hardly the end of the world. Most of my DC's friends seemed fairly ambivalent too. I saw very little of the fervour that according to this thread is the norm. Obviously it matters a lot to some, but it's ridiculous to suggest that that's universal.

Show quote history

@MrsAvocet
Well done you. Glad your DC weren't bothered.
Your DC are not OP's son. He is 'inconsolable'
I am 47 and our 'leavers ball' was a big deal - everyone went. We talked about it for months before and years later. In fact we talked about it at our 20 year reunion.

The vast majority of posts are saying it's a huge event for most teenagers. There will always be exceptions to the rule, in this case it's your DC.

Rosejasmine · 23/10/2024 07:58

Don’t let him miss it - it’ll be a miserable few days on holiday if he goes with you and he misses his prom, it’s such a big occasion for them after their GCSEs and it’s a right of passage.
I would change it and swallow the cost, or let him stay either on his own or with supervision from a relative etc.
It’s your fault unfortunately but you can fix it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2024 08:06

@Janus the first wed in July ?

How weird

The proms I've seen on Fb of friends kids have been Fri /sat

friendshipover24 · 23/10/2024 08:07

The prom is extremely important. He needs to be there. Make it happen.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 23/10/2024 08:12

@Blondeshavemorefun - it was called the leavers ball in my day, same thing though. The American import is the name, not the event. (Although single sex schools didn’t have a ball in my day, they had a dinner.)

TheaBrandt · 23/10/2024 08:17

Yes your teens are clearly very special and amazing then 🙄. My run of the mill teens all their friends and all my friends teens of every social type and character went to the prom and all had a right old laugh.

I saw a video of a packed dance floor where the heroic head teacher and SMT were all dancing away with the teens. Not sure any of the teens there would rather have been sitting quietly on holiday with their granny but there you go.

lemming40 · 23/10/2024 08:49

Just let him stay home and go to his prom. Simple.

Janus · 23/10/2024 10:31

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2024 08:06

@Janus the first wed in July ?

How weird

The proms I've seen on Fb of friends kids have been Fri /sat

Always a Wednesday! I suspect because they always have it at a local hotel which is cheaper in the week and a wedding destination so would never accommodate a weekend of 250 teens in July!

Clearinguptheclutter · 23/10/2024 10:40

This is not a disaster- At the age of 16 you arrange somewhere for him to stay and travel to the airport and he either flies home early or flies out late. In these circs I’ve have no issue with a 16yo flying by himself (many airlines have 16 as minimum age unaccompanied).

Missing his prom however- NOT an option

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2024 11:03

Guess that makes sense @Janus

Yes weddings would pay much more

Is there school the next day ?

sharpclawedkitten · 23/10/2024 11:05

RochfordRuby · 21/10/2024 17:19

Thanks @Ilikeadrink14 . We feel awful anyway and was asking for some helpful advice. Instead the thread has largely been full of abuse for us being such awful parents. It’s a mistake. People make them. Although seemingly most of the people on this thread don’t make any. If only we could live up to their standards. We’ll take the helpful advice on board and wish everyone else up there on the moral high ground a pleasant life.

Not sure I've seen any abuse, although there have been silly comments about somehow needing to know by osmosis that proms and contingency days exist even if a school hasn't told you.

Comefromaway · 23/10/2024 11:06

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2024 11:03

Guess that makes sense @Janus

Yes weddings would pay much more

Is there school the next day ?

There won't be school in July for Year 11's as their official finish date is the last Friday in June.

sharpclawedkitten · 23/10/2024 11:08

And for what it's worth, my son would have chosen the family event. But the OP's son wants to go to the prom and personally I think you put your kids ahead of your parents - it is their turn.

I am 47 and our 'leavers ball' was a big deal - everyone went. We talked about it for months before and years later. In fact we talked about it at our 20 year reunion

I bet everyone didn't go, and I bet there was a decent amount of bitchiness towards some of those who went, as well. They are not universally adored especially if you don't really know what to wear etc.

JFDIYOLO · 23/10/2024 11:09

So what are you going to do, OP?

The correct answer - 'he stays home and goes to prom, we go to the anniversary holiday and absorb any and all criticism / complaints.'

sharpclawedkitten · 23/10/2024 11:11

Middleagedspreadisreal · 22/10/2024 20:38

I'd rather anyone be upset other than my Son

You'd think, but I think a lot of people have been brought up to upset own (direct) family before anyone else (what would the neighbours think etc).

if the parents really want their grandchildren to attend, maybe they should have come up with a date outside termtime anyway! You don't HAVE to have a party on the actual anniversary date - a week or even a month or so either side also works.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 23/10/2024 11:22

JFDIYOLO · 23/10/2024 11:09

So what are you going to do, OP?

The correct answer - 'he stays home and goes to prom, we go to the anniversary holiday and absorb any and all criticism / complaints.'

The thing is the OP didn't ask how to do both she asked how he could be "appeased" for missing it. It was a done deal for her, he was going to have to suck it up, hopefully this thread has made her see that he isn't the one who needs pacifying and she needs to rethink.

MrsAvocet · 23/10/2024 12:04

Pipsquiggle · 23/10/2024 06:21

@MrsAvocet
Well done you. Glad your DC weren't bothered.
Your DC are not OP's son. He is 'inconsolable'
I am 47 and our 'leavers ball' was a big deal - everyone went. We talked about it for months before and years later. In fact we talked about it at our 20 year reunion.

The vast majority of posts are saying it's a huge event for most teenagers. There will always be exceptions to the rule, in this case it's your DC.

Show quote history

I never said otherwise. I'm just responding to a PP who was claiming that there isn't a single teen alive who would rather spend time with their family than go to a Prom. That's clearly nonsense. There are plenty of teens who don't like big social events, have other more pressing things to do, or frankly, think Prom is pretty naff. There's a ridiculous amount of hyperbole on this thread about just how important Prom is. I know lots of teens not only through my own children but also through volunteering that I do and whilst most of them do attend and enjoy their Proms a significant minority don't, and hardly any of them seem to see it as some kind of really major life event, just a nice end of term party. But you'd think to read some of the posts on here that every kid's life is ruined forever if they don't go.
And lots of families hold celebratory events which are fun. The OP has given us next to no information about the holiday - it might be a dull week sipping tea with elderly relatives but equally it could be a brilliant trip to a really nice resort with a bunch of similarly aged cousins, we simply don't know. People are just making stuff up to fill in the gaps and for some reason almost invariably opting for the worst case scenario. The anniversary couple have been accused of being demanding and entitled as well as boring, and we know absolutely nothing about them. They might not even be the instigators of the trip. I think that's completely unfair.

In the OP's shoes I'd probably be looking for some kind of compromise to allow the lad to participate in at least part of both, as indeed I did with my own son when my PILs diamond wedding anniversary clashed with a big sports event for him. But I'd simultaneously be encouraging him not to catastrophise over what, in the great scheme of things, is a fairly minor bump in the road.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/10/2024 13:35

@rochfordRuby what are you going to do

Many have asked for dates of holiday v prom

And see if can do both and catch a later Flight after prom or come home few days early to go to the prom