Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

[RochfordRuby]

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

You can't appease him. You've fucked up. Change your holiday dates, you can do this for a fee.

I can't believe that you booked a holiday for then! What were you thinking???

I can't imagine anything worse for any self-respecting 16 year old than being stuck on a cruise ship with a bunch of oldies.

I'm so old we (the pupils) had to organise our own leavers party. We booked a nightclub (a goth club that is still going today) and had bands from school playing, a DJ and everyone put in £10 behind the bar. No adults involved in any of the organisation at all. It was awesome.

What nonsense @highwaysbyways

A sixteen year old is just as much a valid person as anyone else. Why are his feelings of disappointment invalid but the anniversary couples are important?

Yes, parents should be planning to accommodate everyone. Especially their own nuclear family.

I think if our cultural values have evolved to be more compassionate and empathetic and past the bad old days of invalidating children's emotional experiences then that's a good thing.

I'm not in favour of shielding our kids from every disappointment and this year's cohort of Year 11s had a bracing 'character building' exercise in resilience when covid blew their final years of primary school in smithereens.

Nor do I think the OP should tell thr grandparents that their anniversary is stupid and unimportant and doesn't matter. I'd just think that everyone involved would be capable of seeing there are really significant emotional and practical reasons to not skip the end of Year 11 (the contingency day element is an easy decider if that's affected too - you absolutely cannot go away for that!) and accept he can't go. No one, young or old, needs to be accused of tantrumming or lacking resilience; this can be handled in a way that respects everyone's feelings and recognises that the prom does take priority over the anniversary. That's not to say every single thing a teenager might prefer to do than attend their grandparents' celebration would automatically trump it - but the end of Year 11 does.

Yes, you made a mistake because you didn't check and you're expecting him to put up with that because it's all about the money and people being upset. With you.

It's a statement of fact, not a criticism.

Right.

He can't miss the prom.

It's a rite of passage and missing it will set him apart from his peers. He'll always remember that.

Whereas the wedding anniversary has lots of people going. One less person really won't matter that much.

Cancel his ticket, and accept the loss if you can't get a refund or take someone else.

He's old enough to stay home alone at 16. Or maybe ask his friends' parents if he could stay with them?

Yes, the couple will be sorry he wasn't there. But you will have to manage that and their expectations yourself.

Task him with taking and sharing loads of photos as a condition of staying and going to his event.

He and his peer group had a chunk of their school experience, social development etc taken away from him. Let him have this.

Quite right JFD agree with every word.

Plus if you force him to go it will be a Pyrrhic victory anyway because even if he puts on a game face he will be gutted. And you will always be the parents that made him miss his prom. Not sure the loss of money for his place / alternative flights or appeasing granny is worth that price. Especially for this cohort who have already missed out on their first round of celebrating achievement.

This scenario nearly happened to us as DS's school hasn't been at all clear about the prom: either if there was one, or when it would be. We booked our holiday before knowing the prom date, and luckily he can go.

In fact, the school changed the "definite" prom date a couple of weeks ago because the venue wasn't free, and the eventual date is very different from both the initial "definite" date and from last year's prom date.

I think the OP is getting a hard time from all the "can't believe you didn't check" brigade. Some schools are just a bit rubbish about prom comms.

I meant does he have to go on the holiday.

When did proms start ?

I'm 51. Def didn't have when I left school in 1989

Well I’m 50 we had 5th year dinner after GCSEs / 6th year dinner after a levels (bog standard comp) which were proms by another name and were extremely important to everyone involved!

41 and we had a Leavers' Ball - that I didn't go to because I personally wasn't interested in it. But I have spent a long time as a secondary school teacher since and have seen how massively important prom is to most Year 11s. Things change over time, but none of us are unfamiliar with the concept of a rite of passage, surely?

Yes I'm the same i left school in 1990 and we had a leavers do at a local restaurant with a disco
There wasn't the same hype though ,we just dressed nicely, no professional, make overs etc
At least not in my school.

And actually if anyone is being “entitled” it’s the oldies insisting everyone goes on
holiday to celebrate their anniversary! In my day grandparents Ruby / golden anniversary’s were celebrated by a lovely lunch out or family party for the day not requiring numerous people to go on holiday!

If we’re going to bemoan the decline in morals by slagging off teens going to proms let’s start there shall we?

Yup.

When my grandparents had their Golden Wedding, their children and spouses took them for dinner at a local restaurant. No grandchildren attended.

The OP has given next to no information. The holiday might be an hour up the road for all we know and I guess we'll never know if they are also missing GCSE contingency day, which is bugging me as well!

The OP didn't mention flights, that was others responding.

My son is in Y11 and I agree with all the pp who refer to the fact that this year group missed out massively during Covid when they transitioned schools in 2020. No end of Y6 events, no proper settling into Y7, no Y7 discos, his Y8 Xmas disco was cancelled due to bloody Omnicron variant, I could go on. So his year group have had no rite of passage parties at all.

My DS is a quiet sort but he is definitely looking forward to the prom and I will make damn sure he goes to every event for Y11.

I would also be happy with him staying at home (with a kind neighbour sticking her nose in keeping an eye on him) and navigating getting a flight to us (said neighbour would also give him a lift to the airport and make sure he got there - because they are lovely).

I totally agree that we cannot just bemoan the teenager wanting their own social life - I find the entitlement of the grandparents also needs to be addressed.

OP (not hurling 'abuse' here), you say that whatever you do, someone gets upset - so why does it have to be your son? He will only ever have one Y11 Prom - and given all they missed out on in 2020/21 I think he more than deserves it.