Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

[RochfordRuby]

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

I'm not a perfect parent by any stretch but knew not book a holiday until the prom date had been confirmed.

It's a rite of passage and I'm not surprised your Ds is upset.

Personally I'd be moving flights about....

Utterly sensible solution.

But he's devastated. So your point is moot.

But he is.

Snap with my son! Limo and all!

I wonder if he is ops oldest child and they are still in the zone that mum and dad decide everything and children have to fit in. As they get older your parenting needs to adapt to the fact the children are people in their own right and their plans and things that are important to them need to be factored in too. It’s not all about what the parents want any more.

Yes, he does. Because he wants to. This year group missed their end of year 6 disco etc. He wants to go. He should be able to go.

@RochfordRuby where in the holiday does the prom fall? Can whichever one of you who isn’t related to the anniversary people stay behind and you both fly out after prom?

@RochfordRuby Is there a reason you are not responding to the idea of DS having separate travel arrangements in order to be a part of both events?

Rereading the OP I think a PP is right - @RochfordRuby is looking for advice on how to appease her son rather than ways to enable him to go to the prom. Or opinions on whether he should. They are saying he cannot go – how can I make him not mind?

My answer to that is I don’t think you can and I don’t think you should try – you should move mountains to enable him to go. But I don’t think the OP will be back tbh.

People acting like proms are some ghastly American tradition that are only just infiltrating our shores need a reality check- I'm almost 40 and I went to a year 11 prom. It's not new.

I’m so old we attended special ballroom dancing lessons with the chemistry mistress in the run up.

I think you need to step back a little bit. Clearly you feel awful and are upset but your response here is wrong. You haven’t been given loads of abuse and then went on a tirade about how all the people who gave you advise were sanctimonious and somehow morally superior.

Ultimately you made a mistake and you are deflecting your feelings of anger at posters here.

The huge majority have said let him go or find a way to do that. That is the advise on how to make him feel better. It’s in your gift to solve this and create a solution to your self made problem and instead you are choosing to berate people giving you their honest opinion.

You don’t need advice. You need to spend your energy creating a solution for your son. No matter what others think of the importance of an anniversary or prom it’s huge to your son. Find a way.

You’re right OP, none of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. But if they’re big mistakes, as this one is, we try to fix them. And that’s what you should be doing. It’s so unfair to deprive your son of his prom without even trying to find a way round it.
I get the impression you wanted us all to reply “he’s young, he’ll get over it, tell him to get over it”. But it’s not that simple.

Who has abused you?

yes mistakes happen but you’re making no attempt to try and resolve it. A PP is right, you just want everyone to say he’ll get over it to make you feel better

poor boy

Really not seeing “abuse” either? Vibe seems to be we’ve been there / suggestions to fix it. Op were you expecting the majority to agree your son is unreasonable for being upset?

We had an issue with a teen who fortunately was on a sleepover when the issue emerged. We then coincidentally had a night out with older and wiser parents who advised handling the issue in the exact opposite way to the way we would have. They were absolutely right. I was so grateful to them as the outcome due to their advice was so positive

. Our initial instinct of how tondeal
woth it would have been relationship damaging with our teen. We are all finding our way as parents of teens and we need to be flexible with our approach as they grow away from us.

Something pretty similar happened when my Dad was also 16. It was decided that he stayed at home to do exams + attend the end of school celebrations whilst the rest of the family + extended family went to the 50th wedding anniversary. I think a family friend checked in with him to make sure he was okay and everything during the period the family was away - was also the 70's so didn't have the tech to stay in contact like we do now.

We've been decluttering my late grandmas house recently (my dad's in his 60's now) and found the photos from the 50th anniversary that he missed out on, and my Dad still says he's glad he stayed behind at home!

I know this holiday is impirtant to you and your family OP, but the prom is clearly SO important to your son.
This may be the time where you have to agree to let him stay home. I know it'll be disappointing to you, but he has clearly told you what he wants. You have to listen.

That’s so funny Iprefer! My dad who is in his late 70s still talks fondly of his teenage New Year’s Eve parties as his usually quite strict parents organised a formal party for adults every year and were utterly distracted so dad and his mates took the opportunity to have their own epic teen parties at their house. This stage of life is very vivid important and memorable for most people.

To sum up our cultural attitudes:

• the old, after raising us and often supporting us financially to an extraordinary degree, are boring and demanding and should never expect any regard whatsoever
• young people are entitled to sulk on an expensive family holiday if they miss an event, even as minimal as Halloween
• the sulking will ruin everything for everyone else so we should just give them what they want, rather than ignoring it or bargaining in some way
• the parent who is organising should plan everything so well that everyone is accommodated and happy at all times - the calendar is infinitely flexible and we have the time and infinite foresight to do it perfectly
• paying extra to fly out and join a family holiday later, with a parent, is fine - that's precisely the sort of contingency college savings are for

The OP is the parent - best-placed to judge what is best for the family as a whole.

It's a balancing act, not one where the teen with the biggest capacity for a tantrum gets to decide - especially if they're not at the stage where they can be trusted to stay at home independently for a week.

I hope they find a way to get him to his party, but I'm just not moved emotionally by his disappointment in the way most posters seem to be - life is full of this stuff, we all have to get used to it. It's a great life skill. Other young people will also be missing out for whatever reason, and there's always something else to look forward to.

You say the teens unhappiness is 'sulking' and 'a tantrum' but what, the older family members' disappointment if he doesn't come is valid and legitimate? Your feelings only matter once you get to a certain age?

I never said the kid would sulk and sabotage, but if they're deeply upset then how does any loving parent or grandparent enjoy the experience of inflicting that sadness? How do you enjoy a holiday that you know you've forced someone to attend?

He is old enough to make a choice don't force him to miss a huge event in their lives. What happens if he has to engage in GCSE contingency?

Honestly I would stay with him and fly later/before.

Surely it’s incumbent on the older members of the family not to “tantrum” about the lad missing their event? Cuts both ways.

Makes me uncomfortable when those generations with the power and the money wield that to force younger family members to fit in with their whims.