Prom - he’s upset he’s going to miss it!

[RochfordRuby]

Help! We’ve booked a holiday for next Summer and just found out the yr 11 school prom is when we’re away. Son is so upset he’s going to miss it. Inconsolable. Can’t move the holiday as it’s all booked but don’t know what to say to try and appease him. Advice please

I absolutely have no recollection of a prom party.

Unless I was so drunk I've blotted it out 😂😂

They're much more universal now - but some posters are using that as a reason to totally dismiss the whole idea of them as though the fact that not all schools used to do them makes them utterly frivolous. I mean, loads of things have changed since the 80s - and one of those things is absolutely the much more widespread concept of going on holidays abroad to celebrate anniversaries rather than going for lunch or having a party down at the social club. The OP's dilemma might not have been likely to exist forty years ago on either end of the spectrum - either the grandparents wanting a mass family holiday for their 50th or the kid having a prom. But in 2024 these things are really common and really significant to people.

Any further thoughts @RochfordRuby ?
Have you been able to rearrange any of the holiday plans so your DS can attend prom?

Or have you definitely decided that the family holiday/ celebration usurps the prom?

Shows the ageism of some posters who are quick to put the boot in to the teen wanting to go to the Prom but to not criticise the older couple for wanting their whole tribe to go on a flipping holiday for their anniversary! There are people being entitled and spoilt here - and it’s not the teen….

Golden wedding anniversary, not just some alleged milestone birthday, and something not many people get to celebrate. Aside from family events usually being first priority in most circumstances.

Really? 12 people given a three line whip to go on a full on overseas holiday for an anniversary? Not in my day / entitled / lack of morals / spoilt/ boomers gone to the dogs etc etc.

@InTheirSundayBest on totally

They deserve a chance to let off steam

Just I'm 51. Left school 1989 after 5th yr and def don't R.E.M. a party or disco etx

But many on here say they had one and my age

Well, family events aren't first priority for teenagers all the time. It's a period of life where they're pretty much programmed to seek the company and approval of their peers more than their family's. It's why parenting teenagers requires so much patience and love and is frequently tough as they pull away.

I also think family events aren't an automatic priority when it comes to really significant educational or career moments. So clearly no one would argue the golden wedding should take precedence if it clashed with one of his GCSE exams. And if he's going to miss prom, there is a really strong possibility this holiday is booked over the contingency dates - the OP didn't respond to any posts which raised that, but it would be an example of a condition whereby the family event would HAVE to take a backseat. As it is, what we know is that there are two social celebrations here which clash and it seems far more likely that the unhappiness of the teen missing prom would be greater than the unhappiness of the grandparents to celebrate their anniversary with one family member absent- they still get to celebrate, they still get everyone else in the family with them. Whereas the teen would have to miss out completely.

I also don't know why a golden wedding anniversary is somehow superior to an 'alleged' milestone birthday - they're both about the passage of time. And if you've been lucky enough to spend fifty years married to the person you love, I'd hope you'd have the grace and generosity to extend empathy and compassion to a kid in the family getting the chance at a celebration that is a true one-off after they were denied any kind of celebration aged 11 when they underwent the closest equivalent transition.

Some schools did them back then, much more commonly in private schools I think @blondeshavemorefun but probably a few state schools too, whereas now it seems to be all of them and there's the expectation that most students attend.

Eh, how are you equating that ? It's a person's anniversary versus a teens event? Why would that trump his milestone celebration, often talked about for a year, I am 48 and still remember ours and it is a lovely memory of those who are sadly no longer with us.

Can he fly back at some point or fly out later so that everyone is happy? I suspect there might be a dark shadow cast in your holiday if there isn’t some sort of compromise! Good luck - it’s not easy being a parent!

You’re not alone @RochfordRuby , we’ve accidentally done the same thing! Our ds school sent out a calendar, giving 25th June as the exam contingency date and Friday 27th as the prom date. We went ahead and booked a holiday for the week after that, then the school announced prom is that week not the 27th 🙄
I am going to call the holiday company tomorrow and get the dates moved. We might lose our deposit, or have to completely change resort etc, but I feel that he should be there for prom.
As your holiday is for a special occasion i realise it’s much harder for you to fix this. If it was me I would find a close friend (preferably one of their school friends families) who would be willing to look after him while you’re away so he can still go. I hope you can get something sorted out, you have my sympathy x

I’ve had 3 do Prom so far, one more to go! It’s always on the same day each year, ie the first Wednesday in July, one year it was actually my other daughter’s birthday which got postponed for celebrations to the next day! Did you not have an inkling it would likely to fall during your holiday?
Honestly it’s huge for teenagers. I wouldn’t have booked the holiday until I knew the date. The poor teenager won’t care at all about the wedding anniversary to be honest! I don’t know what you can do though, I expect you won’t be liked for quite a while for this and maybe you just have to accept that.
This may be extreme but would you consider leaving him home with a friend for the week? I think I’d definitely look into this.

4th July

As above, no brainer tbh

That does assume you are at a school where most people stay on to do 6th form at that school. For many kids, the starting work, apprenticeships, going to different colleges etc happens at end of year 11, not 13.

only around half of kids do A Levels, the rest go do something else, rarely at the school they were at for years 7-11. Even if the OPs DS is planning to stay at the same school, half his friends could be going elsewhere. This is the goodbye event for them.

Yes, very likely. Most of his friends have younger siblings so wouldn’t book a holiday then though. I imagine there’ll be a few others in the year group having to make a choice between a holiday and prom.
His last exam is 16th June, the contingency date is 25th June, and they did give a prom date of 27th June. He’ll be off school from May for study leave, in for exams, but then he’s off until September. It’s a pain, but I am planning to change it so he can go to prom with his mates

@RochfordRuby - if you come back to this, another voice saying you need to find a way to allow ds to go to the prom. If you are holidaying Saturday to Saturday and it’s the day you go, can he fly out alone the next day? Or if it’s the Friday/Saturday you come back, can he leave a day early? It might not cost that much if he goes hand luggage only. (You can take the bulk of his clothes in your holiday luggage).

it’s a mistake - so you need to find a way to fix this, not just try to find a way to tell him his feelings aren’t valid.

I think id have one parent stay and one go in this situation.
this is their goodbye, don’t take it away.

With kindness and respect, please let your son go to prom. Have him fly out to you later or leave early. I know it’s difficult to relate to but proms are a VERY big deal to teenagers now. He may very well never look at you the same. I don’t usually quote the OP, but I can already see the long term damage this can do. It’s not worth it.

At his age, different things take priority and stopping him from sharing in this milestone against his will is not good for anyone. His prom is a much more important moment in his life than another person’s 50th.

Be mindful that he is very close to adulthood and won’t legally need to be following your orders in a few years time. One day he may return the favour of not attending something that is important to you.

I agree. Prom is one very important night and an anniversary can be celebrated anytime, anywhere. A teen boy is not going to appreciate missing prom for a trip to celebrate grandparent's 50th, nor should he be expected to do so.

I think the OP wanted everyone to tell her that her DS would just "get over it" and that she was doing the better thing. She's been given dozens of ways to work around it and instead of appreciating that, she's upset that she didn't get handholds and "tell him to get over it".

My 50th is in a few years. We'll get each other cards....maybe go out to dinner, though that would be a first. I've always been more enthralled and excited about the day-to-day things my DH does for me and that I do for him, and much less about some specific day. But then, one of my witnesses for my wedding was a ringer for Morticia Addams, so there's that. More head shaking strange than celebratory.

I left school in 1986 after Upper 6th (yr 13, 11-18 school). We had a 'Formal' which was an even bigger deal than a prom. We had to invite boys, wore ball gowns, and sat down to a three course meal before the disco. I even wore a velvet cloak! My two kids have just had proms over the last few years and they absolutely loved them. The excitement of shopping for dresses and suits (can strongly recommend Slaters for a great suit), shoes, accessories etc. Organising cars and meeting up in someone's house beforehand...my DS went to an after party. They have the best time, get to see their teachers dressed up, take photos and dance with their friends. You can't let him miss out. For those that want to go it's a real rite of passage.

Move the holiday especially if it coincides with GCSE contingency day. I cannot believe you wouldn’t know there was a prom!!

If not I am sure someone can stay behind and they fly out late, or someone come homes early with him.

The prom is really important he needs to go!