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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

367 replies

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 00:44

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

OP posts:
Sadmamatoday · 09/09/2024 00:48

It's only natural for him to want to be with his father, so be happy for him. Perhaps have a set day of the week when he can come over for dinner with the family.

Birdscratch · 09/09/2024 00:50

I’m very sorry you’re feeling so upset. It was a shock.

Now pull yourself together. He’s 18. He’s not dead, he’s moving out. He’s trying something different. Your DDs are not ‘losing their brother.’ The biggest risk to your relationship with him is acting like this in front of him.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 00:54

He isn't moving out though

He's still "at home" but at the other parents

If he was moving into a rental or off to uni I'd be a little bit sad of course but also happy for him moving to the next stage of life

but this just feels like a rejection of us all, of the home and the life we've provided for him

Especially as his dad is so fucking useless

I am not showing it to the other dc but I honestly feel like I want to die .

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 09/09/2024 00:55

I agree with Birdscratch. He is 18. Let him go, tell him he is always welcome in your home. He needs to experience this change and what life is like living with his dad and paying his own way. You have supported him emotionally and financially. Now he needs to take responsibility for himself.

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 09/09/2024 00:59

He's 18 this is slightly strange I think your issue is that he's moving in with your ex and his family you need to accept he's an bc adult and you'll be seeing him more than if he was off to uni 🙄 he is an adult you are being seriously over the top

Soberfutures · 09/09/2024 01:00

It must feel like a massive kick to you and your DH if you have been the consistent parents on his life. And it's understandable you have reacted like this.
Now take a moment and calm down. He is 18 he could have moved anywhere by now. Uni or Jobs and even friends and houseshares. Don't get your other kids involved in the dramatics. They have not LOST a brother for god sake.
You need to separate 2 things I think. Your reaction to him moving with your ex. And the fact he has moved out. I'm sure you are more upset at the place he is rather than the moving out.
He has probably been promised all sorts by dad on holiday of how it will be at his house. No idea of the reality. So step back let him go and see how it works. He may enjoy being there and no matter the issues history between you and ex that is not their relationship. It bloody stings and hurts when u have been the stable one but they have their own boundaries

Seaweed42 · 09/09/2024 01:04

Let him go. He's 18. He can save for a deposit at his Dad's. He's hardly thinking of wanting to buy a house at 18? Did a part of you think your kids would live with you forever, maybe.

He's not 'chosing his Dad' over you, he's opting for a change of scene and to get to know his stepbrother better and hang with lads his own age. He's entitled to do that.

Sounds like he wants a bit of an adventure and might not care about having his own bathroom in a bigger house.

It's tough, but it's your job as a parent to let him go. And to manage your own grief over that.
He's not dead. He's a few miles away. Remember that.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:05

I'm scared he won't bother with us anymore 😢

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 09/09/2024 01:06

Sounds like a shock op and I can see why you feel gutted after his father has not stepped up all this time. Your son won't get the complexities of it all and will probably just feel its either practical or he wants time to catch up with his dad . Try not to take it personally or a reflection on you. Trust in your relationship and be there for him if it goes badly for him. Things will settle down but you've got to be the grown up on this and stay calm and supportive. He could be doing worse things with his life.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:08

@Seaweed42 a few months ago he said his aim was to buy a house in the next five years

So I told him he'd be more than welcome to stay at home for cheap rent to save for a deposit

My plan was to secretly keep his rent to one side until he moved out , so he could use whatever the amount ended up at towards his deposit

I absolutely know 100 percent his dad will NOT do this . As He is an absolute tight fisted skinflint

OP posts:
MissFancyDay · 09/09/2024 01:09

Young people are incredibly selfish and think mainly of themselves.

If it's any consolation he will probably look back and realize what a kick in the teeth it was to you and the man that raised him. Especially when he has lived with your ex for a while.

But for now all you can do is let him make his own choices.

Sadmamatoday · 09/09/2024 01:11

Honestly OP after reading your other comments, no wonder he wants to move out. You're being a drama queen which would be incredibly suffocating and annoying behaviour to be around. You want to die??

onfiree · 09/09/2024 01:12

Look, I know this will be hard to hear, but you can’t always “buy” affection. He doesn’t care that his dad is useless and didn’t provide. He doesn’t care that you’ve offered him cheap rent to save etc.

if I’m being honest, I think you’re overreacting. He hasn’t rejected you. He hasn’t chosen his dad over you. Most 18 year olds want their own space and a change of scenery. I gave up a swanky, decked out bedroom at my parents for a shit tip of university halls. Sometimes it’s not about the material things but just that chance to do something different and be more independent. Live with different people. Meet new people etc.

ultimately if his dad is as bad as you think, your son will come to that conclusion naturally. You can’t make the decision for him though.

Noseybookworm · 09/09/2024 01:12

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:05

I'm scared he won't bother with us anymore 😢

He won't if you have hysterics over this. Play the long game - he will very probably realise that living at his dad's isn't all it's cracked up to be. In the meantime, give him a big hug and tell him his room at home is always there when he wants it. Make a date for him to come for a family dinner soon. Above all, respect his choice to give this a try. Remember he didn't choose this man to be his dad, you did.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:13

DS's dad never bothers with his mum (exmil)

Who is an absolute lovely person she doesn't have a bad bone in her body and she can't understand why her son wants nothing to do with her (I'm still close to her)

And neither can I. I worry that this is what my son will be like

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 09/09/2024 01:16

Set up a new grown up routine as you would if he had his own place, invite him over for a meal a regular night or the week / fortnight

I would feel exactly as you would if it had been my DD, but I can almost guarantee shed live at her dad's for about two weeks before moving back home and shed work out exactly what kind of person he is if she hadn't already.

onfiree · 09/09/2024 01:16

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:13

DS's dad never bothers with his mum (exmil)

Who is an absolute lovely person she doesn't have a bad bone in her body and she can't understand why her son wants nothing to do with her (I'm still close to her)

And neither can I. I worry that this is what my son will be like

He will do this if you mollycoddle him though?

he’s not his dad.

you’re not exmil

stop judging him based on his dad. You’re jumping to conclusions.

give him the chance to breath, make his own mistakes and make his own mind up about things

if his dad is as bad as you say, then he’ll benefit from having a level headed mum in you.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:19

Sadmamatoday · 09/09/2024 01:11

Honestly OP after reading your other comments, no wonder he wants to move out. You're being a drama queen which would be incredibly suffocating and annoying behaviour to be around. You want to die??

, i shouldn't have posted that I want to die that is admittedly a bit dramatic. But I am absolutely devastated, I'm hurt, gutted, rejected

I have had some heartbreak in my life but this beats it all

To DS. I've only ever remained neutral about his dad and have never let on to DS what I think of him and how shit he is

But I have always hoped he'd see it for himself . I am so envious when I read about / hear about DC who do see through shit parents. But he hasn't , and doesn't seem like he ever will

OP posts:
Sadmamatoday · 09/09/2024 01:22

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:19

, i shouldn't have posted that I want to die that is admittedly a bit dramatic. But I am absolutely devastated, I'm hurt, gutted, rejected

I have had some heartbreak in my life but this beats it all

To DS. I've only ever remained neutral about his dad and have never let on to DS what I think of him and how shit he is

But I have always hoped he'd see it for himself . I am so envious when I read about / hear about DC who do see through shit parents. But he hasn't , and doesn't seem like he ever will

Show quote history

It's not actually a good thing if he thinks his dad is shit for him so put your son before your own feelings. Perhaps it might be good for you to seek some therapy. Be very cautious of your behaviour as you may push your son away permanently

Sadmamatoday · 09/09/2024 01:23

Noseybookworm · 09/09/2024 01:12

He won't if you have hysterics over this. Play the long game - he will very probably realise that living at his dad's isn't all it's cracked up to be. In the meantime, give him a big hug and tell him his room at home is always there when he wants it. Make a date for him to come for a family dinner soon. Above all, respect his choice to give this a try. Remember he didn't choose this man to be his dad, you did.

Show quote history

Remember he didn't choose this man to be his dad, you did Wow, powerful words.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:33

@Sadmamatoday

This is why I have kept it from him

I'm ashamed that my kid doesn't live with me anymore

I've secretly judged people (mums) for if their kid lives with their dad

And now I'm the one who's kid prefers to live elsewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:36

When I had DS I was very young and stupid , he was not planned but was the best thing that ever happened to me

When I was bringing him up ALONE and his dad did not give a shit , I never imagined this day would come

I hope and pray I've instilled enough self esteem in my daughters so they choose better men to father their children if they choose to have them

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:37

I'm sad for my husband as well

He is the best dad ever, he's loved DS as his own since he was 2 years old

He has done all the dad stuff!!

OP posts:
Peaky18 · 09/09/2024 01:48

@iloveshetlandponies of course you don't want him to go. That's for you. Let him go. He wants to experience living outside the family home for a bit. He is with his dad after all.
He'll never want to come back to hear all about you. Just to share his new experience. Don't push him further away.

Whalesong · 09/09/2024 01:59

This isn't a topic that I follow but it popped up in my thread, and I admit that I read it as your partner moving in with his parents. But it's your adult son moving in with his dad? That's his choice.