DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

You been so awful to him, op?

Yeah, re my first post

Losing my shit at him when he told me

Oh come on. You were upset and worried.

Have you apologised to him? I would probably text DS if it were me and apologise.

I think its hard to understand the fear when you have a DS, my son has a look of my ex and lots of his mannerisms and it triggers me in some circumstances, it's hard to separate DS from his dad. I have to consciously calm down and recognise that's what's happening.

The reality is your 18 year old is moving out. That's a good sign he feels confident and ready to be an adult, you've done a good job.

Wait to see how the relationship is before catastrophising. I'm willing to bet he'll be in contact regularly.

This makes so much sense

Sometimes he's so like my ex it scares me

And unfortunately I hate to say it but he does have a lot of ex's negative traits

But as past posters have wisely said, ds did not chose his dad, I chose his dad

I messaged and apologised the same night but I've not heard anything back

My daughter and husband have messaged too, only once, and just checking in, was off their own back and nothing too heavy. but also not heard back

My daughter is still really upset 😢 I've tried to reassure her he is still her brother and she'll still see him

and I have also said to her I reacted badly and I should not have

It's what makes it hard. You chose his dad, but you also left his dad so the negative traits in DS are more upsetting as you thought you'd left them behind. I totally get you.

DS is not your ex though. He's himself and 50% you, everyone is a mix of strengths/weaknesses.

He will get in touch with you eventually. He absolutely will. You just get on with life and your other dcs.

"I chose his dad" I think this is a daft statement. People hide and pretend to be what they're not. When you're choosing a partner it's very often the case they present their best selves. You're not necessarily able to make choices based on truth.

If I knew what my exh really was like, I would never ever have gone near him let alone married him and had dcs with him.

"I've tried to reassure her that he is still her brother".

My god the dramatics. Couldn't deal. No wonder he moved out.

Wow

I'm just trying to reassure an upset little girl

And it's true, he IS still her brother just cos he doesn't live with her doesn't make him any less so

So don't twist my words

Goodness.
My SD has moved out to go to uni. My other stepdaughter is distraught because she misses her. It's normal and healthy for close siblings to be upset when their older sibling moves out. It's a big change.

Exactly my point. There was probably NEVER a point where she thought he WASNT her brother but you've put that idea in her head now.

He hasn't died. He's living with his other parent. Who, if he's as shit as you say, I can imagine will be back for his home comforts within five minutes.

You really need some perspective and bigger picture here. "I want to die and I can't stop crying". He's an ADULT.

Bless her 🥺
It's so hard to see them upset isn't it

I've never heard of any child cutting their parents off because of ONE emotional outburst, which they apologise genuinely for. Is this a pattern though? Do you regularly become hysterical over things? Teenage boys hate drama (who doesn't?) and if you're prone to this level of histrionics, he might well distance himself.

Re your ex-MIL, it's quite patronising of you to make assumptions why ex-H has cut her off. You don't know what their relationship was behind closed doors. You've also described a man with a lot of issues, they didn't come from nowhere. If he's decided not to have contact with her, he has a reason.

No I am usually chilled . in fact DS often came to me with stuff that he didn't feel able to tell anyone else . which I am proud of

But for some reason this has caused a massive visceral reaction and I know and it's to do with my anger towards my ex. And that is my problem and not ds's fault so I should not have over reacted

It's always been a big secret worry of mine that DS would go and live with his dad . In fact I'd say it was one of my biggest fears

and I think now it's actually happened it just completely destroyed me

And re exmil unless there's stuff I don't know I just can't see why he's cut her off

I've known ex since we were 16 and exmil has always been a big part of my life . I know ex had a lovely upbringing and he always got on with her when we were together

She's one of my closest friends and like another mum to me . and she genuinely doesn't have a bad born in her body. I know she is bemused and sad , cos she tells me. And her other dc are very very close to her

She also considers my younger children her grandchildren and has always treated them the same . Along with exs stepchildren.

But who knows ?

I don't think you're upset that he's moved in with his Dad. You've said yourself you'd be fine if he moved in with a friend.

You're upset because you think him moving in with his Dad is a judgement on your motherhood and a rejection of you and your family. That's definitely something coming from you, not him.

Did you actually ask him reasons for wanting to move? What were they?

@MrsSunshine2b

I don't think you're upset that he's moved in with his Dad. You've said yourself you'd be fine if he moved in with a friend.

You're upset because you think him moving in with his Dad is a judgement on your motherhood and a rejection of you and your family. That's definitely something coming from you, not him

You are 100 percent correct

Have you managed to speak to him yet @iloveshetlandponies ?

No not yet

I have messaged once since he left apologising for my reaction etc

So Im giving him space, I will maybe message again in a couple of days but it's difficult cos I don't want him to feel hounded / pressured but I also don't want him to think I / we don't care / have forgotten about him

I was going to message his dad today to see how he is but I don't trust his dad as far as I could throw him . I bet he's loving all this

I'd message again - one msg since Monday is very little !!

If you have apologised already, id just move completely on from the emotional stuff to a casual communication - maybe an update about you, asking about or expressing good thoughts about how his job is going and an opportunity to catch up. Preferably to something that is going ahead regardless of his attendance. Do you have regular family things that you did? I'd let him know when the next one is so he knows he is still welcome to join (just as if he'd moved to his own place).

Honestly.

Hopefully he's loving life and without the emotional blackmail for a change.

I would message him again now in the same style that you used to. Something like how's your week? How has the new job gone? Lots of love Mum x

I didn't want to bombard him, I wanted to give him space

No idea whether that is the right thing or not 😞

Cos also I don't want him to think we've forgot about him or don't care

But I'll message him this weekend I think just casual and light