DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

@iloveshetlandponies the big show of moving out is what teenagers do. They try to make a point. A big gesture.

Kids also do it. They pack their little suitcase and declare they're running away.

What is important is your response.

Calm. Agreeing he's an adult and he must do what he thinks is best for him.

Welcome him back for dinner or a cup of tea. Go out for dinner or lunch together.

It's a new stage of your relationship. Even if he comes back, he will move out again perhaps not to his father's but out to be an independent adult. It's the natural way.

PS You've had some pretty nasty responses on here. Some posters love to kick someone when they're down.

He's 18. He's entering manhood. It's probably as much about him proving himself to himself as anything else.

Seriously, you need to pull yourself together. You're acting like he's died.

I do think you are over-reacting a bit but I can understand you being really sad.

My advice would be wait and see. You don't know how this is going to play out. It might all be wonderful to him for a few weeks but I bet he starts coming home more and more often- dropping in, having a meal, staying over. My experience of teenage boys is they like their comforts and to be looked after. Doesn't sound like it'll be like that at his dad's. Roughing it might be fun for a fortnight but his big bed, clean , large room, coming home to hugs and people pleased to see him and decent food and comfort will be what he chooses in the end. And if it isn't, you will have had time to adapt to the change more gradually and accept his choices.

Be careful though - don't pressure him, just make being at home when he comes a nice time. Don't give him money- that shouldn't be the attraction either. He has to choose it. He might just be ready to change how he lives now he is 18.

The thing is, life is not all about you:

• Your son is going to live there for his own reasons, and they have absolutely zero to do with you and your husband.
• your ex's love for his son has nothing to do with how your ex loved you.
• you seeing this is a betrayal is all in YOUR head.
• he is not moving there to be with his dad, it will be some reason to do with friendships/love life/work. He is an adult with his own life and interests
• children eventually detach from their parents and it's better to prepare for this.

I hope you learn to stop judging people whose children chose a different living arrangement. Your posts make you seem very closed minded, judging other parents, casting your husband as a pure villain, your son as betraying you. Life is not black and white. Try to think about things calmly and see some nuance. Train yourself. I'm sorry to be harsh but you are letting yourself descend into dramatics and you need to build some resilience to life. This is not a tragedy.

I realise this is not a race to the bottom but my sweet 16 year old son was diagnosed with a neuroendocrine tumour. It was caught early and his life was saved. I cannot understand that your feeling of loss comes anywhere close to the overwhelming fear my husband and I felt when our son was diagnosed. Your son has just moved addresses. The gloss may soon wear off and the less fuss you make the sooner he is likely to be back. He'd probably be moving out in the next few years anyway.

Because he's 18! That's really all it is. He wants to see what it's like, prove himself, spend time with his dad and just experience something different. That's healthy for an 18 year old! It doesn't mean it's permanent necessarily, odds are quite good he'll come back at some point but if you react like this it makes that a much more difficult prospect for him because he will feel completely suffocated and overwhelmed by you, and worried that you'll fall apart the next time he wants to spread his wings or go travelling or something.

In the kindest possible way, you need to have a very firm word with yourself and show him the support he deserves.

It might be wise to sign yourself up from some counselling which would be the best thing both for you & your DC. This happening has obviously raised areas in you that are still very painful.

Quite often if we are feeling huge emotions about something 90% of that will be from past experience that is still unresolved.

"If it hurts, it isn't love' is a great book to start this process.

Your reaction, response & talk of shame sounds like the way someone would react if their partner was having an affair.

He is not being disloyal & likely appreciates all you have done for him but if you hold on too tight you will lose him. Kind of like if you hold sand in your hand too tight it just slips through your fingers. If you really love him let him go.

THIS!
Honestly you are worried about him not bothering with you anymore but you need to think about how you deal with this. Having hysterics and crying will push him away and make him not want to come home to you because of the drama. You have to push aside all the feelings of hurt and rejection you are feeling when you are with him and give him a nice lovely safe space that he WANTS to come home to every week and he will continue to be part of your family life there. But you have to let him make his own choices, and around him, be okay with it. You definitely need to play the long game and let him have this time living at his Dad's and chances are he will be back.
Also, just because you think and feel the way you do towards his dad, doesn't mean that he does. He obviously has a different relationship with him and he wants to live with him. Unfortunately, suck it up and let this happen, without the drama or risk him not wanting to come home to see you and spend time with you. x

OP I cannot understand why you seem to WANT your DS to realise his dad is crap? Surely it’s better for your DS to have a great relationship with his dad, regardless of what may have happened in the past? It’s not a competition between you and dad, it’s natural for your adult son to want to build a bond with his dad and you should be supporting that. As others have said, it’s normal to be upset but if you can’t put your own feelings into perspective then perhaps look into counselling.

This isn’t about you, yet you’re making it about you. Your emotional hysteria sounds like my partner’s ex, who has slowly pushed her elder son towards his dad. We all saw it coming. Rein it in and support him!

Son sending message

To please stop poisoning him

Against his father

OP - I mean this kindly but you do really need to get a grip. Your reaction is very extreme for an 18 year old moving out (which is a totally normal thing and it doesn’t matter where he’s going).

My mother would have similarly extreme reactions to things I told her when I was younger, and now I’m older I avoid telling her anything I think she might be any bit upset or annoyed about because I am traumatised by her reactions when I was younger. This has meant she now complains ‘I don’t tell her anything’.

Your son may well end up appreciating you & your husband more after moving out @iloveshetlandponies

He will see a different side to his Dad, a more realistic side not the fun Dad side he may be more used to.

Keep the relationship with your son open & friendly and he will see the situation more clearly as he gains maturity. You haven’t lost him x

But you didn't bing him up alone - you said in a separate post that your DH had helped raise him from when he was two. Two years (max) is hardly 'bringing him up alone.'

Honestly, this all sounds geared towards trying to generate sympathy (saying you wished you were dead etc) from commenters. I am sure there is more to this story.

Gently, he is an adult - he's 18 - and it's 100% his choice. I can see why you might be a bit upset, but this reaction is bonkers.

Sounds more likely that he’s had a great time with his step brother ( similar age?) on holiday. So moving in probably isn’t about his dad at all, it’s about house sharing with his step brother, working together in the pub and all the fun that entails. If he has no plans to go to university, this is his alternative. Of course you’ll be upset but wave him off like you would university and make it clear he always has a home with you.

Has it occurred to you that this isn't about you?

Because you're making it all about you, and splurging all this stuff over your son. He's rejecting you and your love, and his stepfather and his other siblings, and you'll never see him again, and he's turning into his dad and will reject you and let you down like his dad did, and you'll end up like your MIL, woe, woe! Except that this is not about any of those things for your DS. It's about him exploring his relationship with his other parent, or with his stepbrother, or trying out something new. He isn't rejecting you. He's doing something he feels he needs to do as part of his own life. And there is no faster way to ruin your relationship with him than to do what you're doing, and make it all about you and beat your breast and wail.

You need to find somewhere else to explore these feelings, because they're about you and not about him. And you need to get a handle on yourself before you do more damage.

He's just been on a great holiday, he wants to carry on being with them, that's why it's so sudden OP.

Your son is fine and doing what he wants, teenagers are programmed to be fairly selfish in general. If the grass doesn't turn out to be greener, he'll be back. If he's happy there and stays, that's good too, yes.....?

Dry your tears OP, your family need you to be OK.

This. I think you're being really OTT sorry. This may not be permanent and it sounds like he's literally round the corner - so presume he will continue to visit etc. you may even find he doesn't like it there in a tiny room and comes back - he probably wants to be around other guys not in a house full of women for a bit and that's ok.

This sounds more like he has realised he has fun with his step brothers & enjoys their company as opposed to a rejection of you OP or choosing his dad over you. You should be grateful there is no animosity towards his step family and they all get on well. It's understandable though that you feel it's unfair given all you have contributed to his life.As as long as he is happy & working that's the main thing. You would be far more hurt if he was going off the rails with drink & drugs at 18.

Does he get on well with his stepbrother ? If hes going to work with him as well.Maybe he just wants to see life from his Dads side .He will be in contact with you and DH still . He is still your Sons father after all .although he hasnt behaved very well

It's perfectly normal for your son to want to bond with his father. It is nothing personal against you.

Keep a spot for him in your home; invite him for Sunday roast with sisters and be excited to hear his news and be loving and welcoming.

He knows he has great parents in you and his step Dad.
The only way he can truly appreciate the undesirable traits of his father is to live with him and get to know him. To be ignorant and looking through rose coloured glasses is not being a grown up.

He will be back. He will love you all no less.

He will move back more comfortably and on his own terms if you do not put pressure on him or tell him he has made a poor choice. Tell him it's good for him to get to know his father but he will be welcome back at any time.

He doesn't appreciate all the things you've done for him because he's never experienced anything different.

The quickest way to get him to appreciate it is for him to find out what it's like without them.

I doubt he'll last long. The distance sounds fairly short so he'll bounce between you anyway.

Accept there will be a degree of novelty value at the beginning and bite your tongue.

He's in a house of women and he's enjoyed being with his step brothers. Are they slightly older? It isn't a reflection of you versus his dad. He won't think like that.

The bigger deal you make it the wider the rift will be. Think long term.

" i shouldn't have posted that I want to die that is admittedly a bit dramatic. But I am absolutely devastated, I'm hurt, gutted, rejected

I have had some heartbreak in my life but this beats it all"

This is a YOU problem and you need to work on it in therapy, your children are not emotional support beings to validate your life choices or lend "credibility/irresponsibility" to yours and your ex's parenting journey. Your son is doing nothing wrong. He wants to spread his wings and has chosen to take his first step in the safest manner possible, what you are doing could very well damage your relationship for life.

Your reaction is awful and I say that as a woman who se ex was convicted of rape and our daughter at 18 after never knowing him made a secret fb to communicate with him and two weeks later left to go live with him. I cried my fucking eyes out too ( in private) and I told her I was disappointed with the deception and lies and I am always there to talk to if she needs me/wants me. 6 weeks later she was back and she hasn't had a single communication with him in 10 years. She needed to learn that lesson herself . Just like your son does.

Sorry as I know it's come as a shock but he's 18 and could easily be moving out. It's not rational that you are this devastated and it makes no difference to your household whether this is to his dads or to university or with friends or travelling or whatever. In fact it sounds not far away so you can see him far more than any of those other circumstances! Look at it this way. After years of being shit, dad is finally doing something and taking on some of the cost. DS may well realise it a shit compared to being at yours and come back but for now you really need to apologise for your reaction, be supportive but let him know he's always welcome at yours. It's wild to be upsizing simply to accommodate adult dc though!