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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

367 replies

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 00:44

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 09/09/2024 02:04

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 09/09/2024 00:59

He's 18 this is slightly strange I think your issue is that he's moving in with your ex and his family you need to accept he's an bc adult and you'll be seeing him more than if he was off to uni 🙄 he is an adult you are being seriously over the top

I get where she is coming from and yes it is the fact he has chosen his father despite the fact she has been the one who has done all the hardwork to raise him. Yes she should let him go but i also understand her reaction and upset.

@iloveshetlandponies Unfortunately it's easier to be the fun dad than the responsible mother, but yes you just have to let him go and leave the door open for him to visit and there a big chance he may realise the grass is not greener and decide to come back.

It is very hard when you've done all the work to raise a child when the father can't bet bothered then he waltz in and suddenly becomes the fun dad. You're still his mother don't worry and while it's a very hard pill to swallow he will come to appreciate you as he gets older.

LessOfMe99 · 09/09/2024 02:12

Jeez, MASSIVE overreaction and over dramatisation by you op. From your reaction as you have posted here, he probably feels totally suffocated at home. He is 18. An adult. He has moved out. It doesn't matter where he has gone, your reaction is way over the top. I mean, you are ashamed he has moved out and you judge people who's child moves out. This is verging on unhinged. If you don't reframe your response, you are going to push him away.

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 09/09/2024 02:21

I can’t honestly fathom how you are having such a hard time on here, OP. 18 years old are technically adults, yes, but this doesn’t happen overnight.

Perhaps he felt that at his dad’s he wouldn’t have to pay rent and would keep all as disposable income, not knowing you would be saving it must have looked unfair to him.

You did all the work though and ex did nothing, so I can perfectly understand the shock, I feel for you.

FavouritePhoto · 09/09/2024 02:23

I get it OP. You've done all the hard work, you've been the one who was there for him always and then in comes dad when he's an adult. I hope your son realises soon, there's a good chance he will and he'll get back within a few months. It may take him years to see it though.

Let him know he's always welcome, pick yourself up and try to enjoy life with your husband and other children.

MayaPinion · 09/09/2024 02:25

He’s 18 not 7! He’d be moving out to go to uni/live with friends about now anyway. My DD has just left for uni in a different country. He’ll likely be back and forth but for not it sound like he wants to try living with his dad. It might even help him see his dad as you see him, once the gloss wears off. You should be positive about this.

Flyhigher · 09/09/2024 02:27

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 01:05

I'm scared he won't bother with us anymore 😢

He will. And he may move back in 6 months !

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 02:29

LessOfMe99 · 09/09/2024 02:12

Jeez, MASSIVE overreaction and over dramatisation by you op. From your reaction as you have posted here, he probably feels totally suffocated at home. He is 18. An adult. He has moved out. It doesn't matter where he has gone, your reaction is way over the top. I mean, you are ashamed he has moved out and you judge people who's child moves out. This is verging on unhinged. If you don't reframe your response, you are going to push him away.

He was not at all suffocated at home

I've always given him plenty of freedom and he comes and goes as he pleases

I paid out thousands when he turned 17 to get him driving as I wanted him have that freedom

And from when he started sixth form at 16 I never gave curfews, and I was okay with him doing pretty much what he wanted as long as he attended school and his pt job

We always got on, he was very open with me and he even used to say he could speak to me about anything

But clearly none of that is enough

OP posts:
Dweetfidilove · 09/09/2024 02:31

I understand why you're upset, but he's gone to his dad's (useless as he may have been), not to war.

This dramatic reaction will ensure he doesn't visit. And perhaps the chance to build a meaningful relationship with his dad is currently more important to him than a double bed.

It is short notice though, so I'm guessing something spectacular happened in the holiday, or he's been meaning to go for some time, but lacked the will to go about it in a more considerate way.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 02:33

LessOfMe99 · 09/09/2024 02:12

Jeez, MASSIVE overreaction and over dramatisation by you op. From your reaction as you have posted here, he probably feels totally suffocated at home. He is 18. An adult. He has moved out. It doesn't matter where he has gone, your reaction is way over the top. I mean, you are ashamed he has moved out and you judge people who's child moves out. This is verging on unhinged. If you don't reframe your response, you are going to push him away.

I am ashamed he's chosen the other parent, not ashamed he's moved out, I WANT my kids to move out one day! Who doesn't . But the way I see it is he's still living at home but has not chosen my home

As I've said- if he'd gone to uni or was moving into a rental property /house share / buying a house I'd be okay with that

I also think his dads family are a bad Influence as they're all lazy and un ambitious but that's a whole different conversation

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 02:35

BrainNotAvailableTryAnotherOne · 09/09/2024 02:21

I can’t honestly fathom how you are having such a hard time on here, OP. 18 years old are technically adults, yes, but this doesn’t happen overnight.

Perhaps he felt that at his dad’s he wouldn’t have to pay rent and would keep all as disposable income, not knowing you would be saving it must have looked unfair to him.

You did all the work though and ex did nothing, so I can perfectly understand the shock, I feel for you.

Thank you

I'm glad you get it 🌷

Rest assured his dad will 100 percent be charging rent

I would not be surprised if that is why he wants him

Trust me he is the most tight fisted person imaginable

OP posts:
EmmetEmma · 09/09/2024 02:38

I’m so sorry OP, I absolutely understand your pain. Your son will still love you and want to see you. Just keep calm and give him space while still keeping the channels open - maybe ask him over for Sunday lunch etc. You are his home.

try not to think of his moving to his fathers as a rejection of you but as him spreading his wings a bit and having a natural development

mantlepiece · 09/09/2024 02:46

Reading between the lines, it sounds to me like your son has bonded with his step brother on the holiday. They have had a great time and want to continue the fun!
it would seem they will not only be living together but working together too.
His father is probably as shocked by this decision as you are.

To me this is nothing to do with the father/son relationship, more that the 2 lads have had a holiday bromance😂 it won’t last. He will be back sooner rather than later.

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 02:47

EmmetEmma · 09/09/2024 02:38

I’m so sorry OP, I absolutely understand your pain. Your son will still love you and want to see you. Just keep calm and give him space while still keeping the channels open - maybe ask him over for Sunday lunch etc. You are his home.

try not to think of his moving to his fathers as a rejection of you but as him spreading his wings a bit and having a natural development

I don't want him to just be a visitor, I can't bear the thought of that
This is his home I can't bear the thought of him just being a guest from time to time while his real home is with someone I fucking hate who's never gave a shit !! until now it seems !!

😭

I can't sleep I can't stop crying and I can't focus on anything
the pain is unbearable
It sounds mad but I keep thinking about his empty bedroom and it is empty as he's already took loads of stuff

Everything hurts from crying, my jaw, my eyes my head

OP posts:
pilates · 09/09/2024 02:47

I can understand your pain but you need to look at this from a different angle. He is experimenting and it is normal. You need to act completely opposite to what you have. I would apologise to him and say you acted out of shock. Let him know you fully support him and if he changes his mind there will always be a home for him with you. If your ex is as horrible as you say he will be back. It might be a good thing for him to see his father’s behaviour with his own eyes.

FavouritePhoto · 09/09/2024 02:52

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Have a good cry and hopefully you'll feel a little brighter in the morning and coming days. You sound like a really loving mum, I think he's going to miss having you and what sounds like a happy home when he gets a good dose of his dad. Hold on in there. 💐

onfiree · 09/09/2024 02:54

Maybe you should speak to someone about how you’re feeling, Samaritans? Your doctor?

Saywhhaat · 09/09/2024 02:57

Yeah that sucks, I understand why you're devastated. I have DSC (as well as our own 2xDS) and the same thing happens here to get more child support, convincing them it will be better etc. But give it 12 months and reality sets in. Grass isn't always greener. He probably craves a relationship with his dad too though, all kids do, and this is how he sees he can get that. But if hes as useless as you say then could be a good thing for him to experience what his dad is really like and he'll come back. They can only pretend for so long and the true self comes out. Keep your home welcoming and be supportive in the meantime. We have 2 out of our 3 DSC back home now 😉

Original poster
iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 03:00

onfiree · 09/09/2024 02:54

Maybe you should speak to someone about how you’re feeling, Samaritans? Your doctor?

I'm going to call dr in the morning because dont know what else to do

I've never ever felt this sad I did not know the meaning of heartbreak til tonight

I've been crying for about 8 hours now it's ridiculous . I can't stop

OP posts:
DailyEnergyCrisis · 09/09/2024 03:14

What can the dr possibly do? With kindness, you need to get a grip of yourself and find a way to manage this news. He’ll probably be back home in two weeks.

Edingril · 09/09/2024 03:18

iloveshetlandponies · 09/09/2024 03:00

I'm going to call dr in the morning because dont know what else to do

I've never ever felt this sad I did not know the meaning of heartbreak til tonight

I've been crying for about 8 hours now it's ridiculous . I can't stop

Show quote history

What can your doctor do?

pilates · 09/09/2024 03:23

Good luck with a doctors appointment if you’re in the UK 😄

InWalksBarberalla · 09/09/2024 03:23

Most my friends with divorced parents and myself, my sister and my step sister all swapped between living with different parents in our late teens. It was nothing to do with rejecting parents but more a gradual step towards independence and a change of scenery. One of the few benefits of divorced parents.
Most of us still have good relationships with the first resident parents 20ish years later.

AroundTheGarden · 09/09/2024 03:24

When similar age, my DH moved in with his dad, who was barely in his life to that point (his dad has since passed away). I feel when DH talks about his dad growing up and the time he had with him, he is still a confused and hurt by his dad’s actions (not being around and treating his mum like rubbish).

DH always puts his mum in the highest regard and thinks she is incredible. He is a dad now and is great, he is the complete opposite to his dad, very strong against cheating and being an abusive you-know-what, because those were some of the characteristics of his dad. His mum is still number 1 in his life, hands-down!

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/09/2024 03:24

I know this is hard, but he's 18. He's at that age where you're not really an adult and you're not a child either. He's wanting to experiment and do different things and after a holiday where he's bonded with his stepbrother, he wants to go live with his dad for a bit.
Let him go and show him love and support. In all likelihood he'll be back.
When my parents split, my mum gave me such a hard time for wanting to spend time with my dad. She would tell me how shit he was, how he never really wanted to be a parent etc and it was all really hurtful stuff - to me. He's my dad. I can't change that and she obviously once loved him enough to have me and my siblings with him. Things are all good now but the intense overreaction and nasty talk put a strain on our relationship for a bit.

Chucklesaurus · 09/09/2024 03:24

Your feelings are valid and you are not wrong to feel everything you are feeling. I’d be fuming if I did all the hard work to raise him alone and this happens. Unfortunately, however, he is now a young man - it’s understandable that he wants to be with his dad and brother so he can learn to be a man. It’ll be good for him.