DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

I know it's hard, but the more you critize his father, the more he wants to prove you wrong.
You are also calling half of your son *useless etc.
His father is part of him and you might not believe it, but it hurts HIM(your son) when you talk about his father so badly, not the father (your ex)

Boys have a deep-seated need for their father.
Children for their parents really, it doesn't matter if they're abusive or deadbeat or useless, its their parents.
Also the more you kick off, the less likely he is to come back. Because now he has to prove to you, he made the right decision. Whereas if you made it a non event, 'sure go to your dad's for a bit, remember you're welcome to move back if your work situation change' he would have had an easy time to move back.
Now you say' you're making a mistake, you'll hate it's there, how dare you'. And now a young boy just coming into manhood has to prove to hos own mother that he is man enough to make a decision, now he has to make it work no matter how hard it is, otherwise you were right.
You put him in a bit of an impossible situation

I started reading this thread feeling sad for you, but now I feel sad for your son.

It sounds like you've essentially done away with your son now he has dared to make the choice to live with his other parent. Rubbishing his character even! I can't believe what I am reading, your poor son.

Now you have had your chance to wallow, and be extreme and dramatic, you should pull yourself together. You should show your son love and support no matter where he chooses to live.

To me sounds more like he’s bonded with his step brother on holiday and now they are going to be going to work together. I wouldn’t get so upset. Just let him know he can stop over whenever he likes.

It's highly likely my daughter will move in with her dad at some point to save money on accommodation whilst going to Uni. I'm a total helicopter parent and hate the idea that I'll no longer be able to keep an eye on her, but that's my problem. She recently turned 18 and is starting to grapple with what adulthood means, like taking responsibility for certain things herself, and I'm learning to let go.

Of course we will need to set new boundaries around contact and it's going to be a difficult adjustment but it's life. There's really not much I can do to keep my daughter with me now. Unfortunately OP you will have to accept what's going on, hard as it may be.

OP, I hope you are okay and managed to get some sleep. It feels like perhaps there are some feelings about the relationship and way you were treated before, by your DS’s father are coming out alongside feeling very rejected and hurt. You could seek to talk this through with someone - 111 now over mental health support or as someone said upthread, your workplace EAP may offer counselling. I would consider dealing with your feelings fully and maybe not listening to all of the other folk just telling you to stop being dramatic. You’ve had quite an extreme reaction that you need support with. Best of luck.

I understand why you feel upset but you have to let him go. Just don’t make it worse for yourself by making a drama. If you want to keep your relationship with your son positive then you need to be sensible.

He is 18. He could move to Australia! He’s moved a few miles to his Dad. He’s just exploring his independence.

@iloveshetlandponies as a single mum whose DS suddenly decided his Dad was the best thing since sliced bread after his Dad being hugely crap for all his life, I totally get how you are feeling. I so feel this. Let him go and try not to make him feel bad. I doubt it will be moonlight and roses when he gets there but just don't fall out with him.

OP one of mine did this when he was 15. He came back 2 years later. Similar story, useless ex who did sod all. It was very hard and our relationship suffered for a while. I kept sewing him, however, and helped financially (ex wouldn't give him a penny) and when the penny dropped he asked to come home. Don't despair. He told me recently that he'd had the wool pulled over his eyes but when it cleared, it cleared. Pride kept him.ftom coming home sooner.

Several posters have warned you this hysteria runs the risk of alienating him, I suggest you heed their advice

I think you need to - very hard, I know - do your best to support him in this move. Tell him his room will always be his and he can come back any time. Ask him, for the sake of his siblings as well as you, if he's willing to agree a couple of days a week he will come back to you for dinner or maybe an overnight stay so you can spend family time together, but don't push too hard on it or he might feel pressured and decide not to do it. Do nice things together that he'd enjoy and invite him. Tell him, again not in a pressured way that you miss him.

Has he been paying any rent yet so you can give it back to him.as a deposit and share that plan with him so he knows that's what would be happening at home?

For you - get some counselling if you can, I'd recommend ACT therapy which is all about managing difficult feelings rather than wallowing in them. In the meantime the 'leaves on a stream' mindfulness exercise is a really good one to try, to let go of negative feelings. I'd not focus on this situation for that though as it will feel like you're being asked to let go of your son, I'd rather focus on letting go of the negative feelings around your son's father as that will make those transition easier.

Hopefully he will be back soon.

@iloveshetlandponies no advice but just to say, I’m in the same position parenting wise as you but my kids are much younger, and it often makes me deeply meh that the Disney fun times dad lure will beckon one day when the slog of raising them alone since they were babies as the boring parent has been with me. It’s a complex emotion single parenting that those who have not walked int he shoes won’t understand !

@Hoglet70 ’s advice is sage, to add to my thoughts above

I understand your sadness but you really need to curb the hysteria around your son. He loves his father, despite what you think of him. I’d let him go, and he might be back, but you can still have a good relationship with your adult DC when they don’t live with you. I’m separated from father of my DC and of course I’d be upset if they went to live with him permanently but they’d go with my blessing. My mum has a habit of over reacting and it has limited my relationship with her in my adult life. I’m very careful what I tell her and it’s a shame I can’t confide in her because of this character trait. Please go and speak to a therapist. That will be more useful than seeing a GP as I doubt they’d prescribe medication for something like this. You want your son to visit and crying and acting like the world is over will stop him wanting to come anywhere near the house. Just let him know it’s still his home and he’s welcome back anytime. You are acting like you’ll never see him again.

He will come back. Don't fret. I can understand this feels like a kick in the face but 18 -yr-olds need to find themselves. Don't see it as a rejection.

I am 100% sure he’ll be back pretty quickly. The worst thing you can do is get angry at him or make him feel bad. He will no doubt learn how good he had it! But he probably does see this as maybe moving out but not not moving out so look for the positives and continue to help him move into adulthood

It hurts so much OP. He has moved in with the person who has treated both him and you badly. I’m in a slightly similar position in that our DD has moved in with her abusive boyfriend and we are both devastated and terrified.
My advice to you would be to swallow it and make him feel welcome when he visits. Do not under any circumstances make him feel awkward or uncomfortable, no questioning and no little comments. If he feels guilty, he’ll avoid you like the plague. You have the power to keep a relationship with your DS.

So upsetting. Set up regular times to see him. Dinner with family, a day out here and there.
Let him know you understand his decision, but you will always be there for him.
Keep up regular contact, make it light and breezy.

He has a secure relationship with you and your family he knows you are there. He wants to build a relationship with his dad. That's totally normal.

You need to be ok with this (to his face )
Help him move, give him a bit of pin money. Invite him for tea once a week or every couple weeks. When you are doing stuff as a family invite him along.

If he's never had much of a relationship with his dad he probably is wanting to try to experience that now. He probably feels secure enough in your love for him to give it a go, as he knows you'll always be there for him if it doesn't work out

Your ott reaction may be causing more damage than you think. I too fear the attraction of the step brother may be driving this, and will hopefully wear off soon.

Op, it sounds like you're a really good mother and very caring.

However, just at this moment, you are being selfish.

Are you worried that your son won't be happy there, won't be well looked after?

Or, are you being possessive and worried he'll actually enjoy bonding with his dad and stepbrother?

If yes to the second, read that back to yourself, you are actually hoping that your son will be unhappy there.

Let him go, he might have a good time and get to know his Dad. It's not a competition, he will still love you, his one and only precious Mum. It's possible to love multiple people.

Will you go crazy like this when your son finds a wife??!

I totally understand OP.
And it's a situation where of course you're going to feel sad.

Do you have friends that you can vent to as well? Talking about it with people you love will help and they may be able to provide comfort and advice.

I know I was guilty of thinking wtf they're 18 when reading about parents who were worried about their 18 year olds on here when my dc were little but the reality is they don't magically turn into a self sufficient adult overnight and normally you'd have warning if they were moving on such as travelling, uni etc
I can totally see how this quick decision of his has blindsided you.

I echo another poster though by saying this sounds awfully like him wanting to be near his stepbrother - is he perhaps a little older?
This stepbrother could have impressed him a lot on holiday - who knows it could be a great place to work as a teen in this pub/great social life/ possible romantic interests (knowing 18 year olds he's probably already been introduced to half of them over Snapchat!) and your ds would like to be a part of that world rather than thinking in anyway that it's a rejection of your care.

Maybe reframe it that he is going to live with a mate (stepbrother) and the fact that it is his dad's place is just a means to an end.

I understand how upset you are OP, and I think some posters are bieng unkind. My DS moved into EXDP house at the same age. Their house was the stay up late party house and he was close to his step siblings who were older. It was also slightly easier to get to college from there.
I was devastated but you need to let him spread his wings. Maybe the holiday atmosphere he has just experienced will wear off quickly and he will come back soon. If not just be glad you have healthy happy and safe children that you have brought up well and put a smile on your face when he comes home to visit and when you speak to him on the phone.
My DS is still closer to me than EX, and has moved abroad now, but when he comes back to visit he stays here.

It easy to say let him go, hes still your lad. Oc if his dad was a crap dad youll be feeling upset that hes gone there...like all your hard work is being paid off by rewarding his dad. Tbh dont worry. My daughter did all of this..her dad had barely anything to do with her growing up.. paid...5p a year for her keep. I raised her as a single parent. But i thought his place isnt my place. Theres benefits living anywhere and downsides...it will help him realise how lucky hes been at yours..or appreciated what youve done. Just say youre always welcome back, invite him for tea once a week..keep in touch with him..tell him you respect his choices...even if you dont agree with his choices(dont tell him that). You wont lose him.

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