DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

Take a deep breath
And find a counsellor to talk to soon, rather than your GP.

Your son hasn't abandoned you, or his sisters, he’s not moving to the other side of the world, and he hasn’t rejected you. And he’s not dead so you can stop mourning.

He wants to spend some time with his dad and brother. Both of which are a good thing for him, no matter how rubbish you think his dad’s parenting was/still is.

Your reaction is more about your feelings towards his dad, your split and the aftermath, than about your son.

Give him a hug, tell him to
have fun, that his room is always there if he wants to come home, arrange a family dinner & film night once a week or fortnight.

I know it's hard but you have to remember that your son doesn't see his father in the same way as you do. Your son moving in with him isn't a betrayal or a slap in the face because he actually has no idea what kind of person he moved in with because you kindly protected him from that. So as far as he is concerned, he still has you all and this is just him spending time with his father.

It would be different if he knew what an asshole his father is and still chose to move in with him, but that is not the case. He hasn't chosen his father over you. He (thinks he) still has you.

I'm sorry you are so distressed OP. The best thing you can do is tell your son you love him and hope this works out for him, but he is always welcome back home, no questions asked, and please can he try to come and have a meal with you once a week at least. You've got to be brave here to not make this into a whole bruhahah that will have multiple unintended repercussions

I think this post is quite insensitive.

OP mentioned wanting to die over this, whether meant in jest or not, clearly shows an extreme emotional reaction to this. The doctor isn’t going to bring her son home, but ultimately OP may benefit from mental health support or advice on what to when she feels overwhelmed like this. It’s not healthy to spend all night in tears.

I totally understand how you feel. Of course he’s an adult, I have an 18 year old and would feel the same as you. Xx

Listen, after all you have described - I would put money on him coming back with his tail between his legs! Play the long game x

£10 on him being back within a month.

A friend of mines DD moved in with her dad at 13. Because he just let her do what she wanted no boundaries at all. Was ok until he got a girlfriend. He would leave her alone overnight at 14 to stay at his girlfriend's house in the next town. Then they decided he would move in and that would get married. He asked if she wanted to move in. She didn't want to. Didn't like the girlfriend or his daughters.

This was a man who was a sahd while my friend went out to work. He doesn't want to know her now has nothing to do with her DC.

My son did exactly the same at that age moving in with his useless father. It lasted five days and he was back home.
I was devastated too but pretended to be relaxed about it which enabled him to feel our house was always home where he could come back to at any time.
You are overreacting which will make him feel guilty and most probably alarmed, and he'll try to make it work there rather than doing this as a 'trial' because he'll be scared of your dramatic reaction if he comes home and wants to leave again sometime in the future.
Take a deep breath and let him go. Offer him help to move.
It's natural that he'll want to get to know his dad more.
It'll be fun and a novelty at first for him but once the honeymoon period is over I guarantee you issues will arise there, particularly if his dad has a history of being a poor father and he'll miss home and family.
I'm looking forward to your future post updating us all that he's back.

@iloveshetlandponies just take a breath and let things be for awhile. Try not to take it personally. This is probably nothing about you and your relationship with your DS and everything about his relationship with his father.
This has happened seemingly out of the blue. It's not necessarily permanent. Yes he has moved his stuff but he can also move it back. He is probably trying to work a few things out about his relationship with his dad. He may well soon come to the conclusion on his own that is dad is an idiot. So let him experiment. Keep the door open and don't make it about you.
My close friends son is around the same age and upped and left to his dads. He thought he would get a better deal there. It lasted 3 weeks before he was home again. And he came back with a far better attitude as he recognised that his mum did so much for him and his dad did bugger all.

So breathe. Be sad about it for a moment and then try and look at the bigger picture. The only thing that's important is your relationship with him. Not which roof he is currently sleeping under.

I think you need to book a therapist as soon as possible. These are your emotions to sort out and you can't carry on like this. You say how you let him have freedom but this emotional control will be felt by him and it will feel suffocating for him. He needs to be able to make his own decisions as an adult with worrying about your reaction.

Honestly, the novelty will wear off quickly and he'll be back but only if you play it relaxed and not a big deal.

I'm assuming he's moving in with dad, his wife and step bro. So all the little annoying things that your son does that as his mother you are used to and accept, they will moan at him about.

He thinks it'll be like holiday, but we all know holiday isn't real life. There aren't many step moms who would relish having two 18 year old men living in her house, coming home drunk and being loud. She'll want him out soon enough.

Just breathe and wait til he comes home, I give it 6 weeks.

Tbh I expect my 12 year old son will do the same when he's 18. He worships his feckless waste of space father who has done none of the actual parenting, and when he sees his dad it's all fun time Disney dad escapades.

I'm planning on being positive when he goes and waiting and seeing. I know what it's like to live with his father and he's a full time horrible bastard which is harder to hide when someone lives with you 100% of the time.

Op, he will be back. And fwiw, it's not like moving out to be university halls or to be more independent in his own at all. Completely different.

If his dad is as useless as you say he has been up until now, your de will not enjoy living there at all.

It does feel like a kick in the teeth after everything you've done but try and be relaxed about it and just let him find his own way.

If he comes back, do not fawn over him or try to make his life in your home more amazing and comfortable and do not let him get away with laziness etc.

Just be normal with the usual expectations.

Misplaced betrayal

When child loves the man you hate

Child is pushed away

I definitely think you should talk to a counsellor, there is a whole lot of feelings that are coming out and they are jumbled up. I can understand you have been very badly hurt by your ex and now it feels like your lovely son is doing the same thing to you. It’s not the same at all but you need to unpick it and get air into it.

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? They have free counselling and it’s totally confidential.

All the best.

I think you need to calm down and stop with the emotional guilty! It’s rubbish.

Just let him experience his new job at the pub and living at his father’s. You need to relax….

it suggests he want to get to know his father and family better but logically stay close to work.

Stop with the drama…. It’s embarrassing. I’m sure he will come back. Don’t let this experience be sour.

As a parent you do all these loving things for your child selflessly. Don’t ask for it back in loyalty over a parent.

Do what you need to do to calm the fuck down.

It sounds like you've raised a hard working and ambitious lad - so he will see in pretty short order that living with his Dad is not quite what it was cracked up to be.

I find it highly unlikely that his Dad is going to find it easy to live with another adult, who is his child, and treat him like an adult and parent appropriately - its a hard line to tread at this age and he is absolutely going to fuck it up.

Just bide your time and be there when the wheels fall off this.

This is an extreme reaction to something quite normal. YOU chose this man as your sons father but are taking it personally that he wants to spend time with him. Making it all about you and what you've done and what you've spent. You've clearly made a lot of effort to be the No.1 parent but you're now putting that at risk by trying to guilt him into proving who he loves best. Do you really think this it best for your son?

My sons both developed a relationship with their father in their late teens. As hard as it was, I didn't make it all about me and stayed pretty much out of it. I knew that wanting to spend time with the other person they share DNA with was not a reflection of how they feel about me. You need to realise this too and stop your carry on before it's too late and you push him completely away. Where, or rather WHO, do you think you are pushing him towards? 🙄

OP, I feel you. You stuck around and did all the boring shitwork while your ex did nothing and now your DS seems to prefer him despite him being rubbish - but this is common in children with an absentee parent. They often idolise the parent who hasn't been there and done the mundane, boring, difficult work of cooking meals, washing clothes and setting boundaries, at the expense of the parent who has done it. In his head he will probably have a whole fantasy narrative about why his father didn't mean to reject him and why it was all your fault. He will have unresolver rejection issues from early childhood and this offer from his dad will feel like the solution to all of that. Some kids see through deadbeat parents and some construct elaborate narratives in order not to. But for the latter, reality usually eventually intrudes in the end.
Let him do what he needs to do and live with his father so that he can understand what he's really like. Focus on your girls and DH and let your son make his own mistakes and learn his own lessons. Parenthood is a constant process of letting go and it's so difficult, but so necessary. He's 18, you can't control how he thinks or feels or what he does, you can only control how you react to him.

He's grown up with sisters and a really caring mum and stepdad in a well ordered home. It's a whole different world having brothers, mates you can live with. I'm not sure this is about being with his dad at all.

Dear! Dear! You are a dramalama aren't you? The
lad wants to spread his wings a little bit. He's 18! He might get fed up with it at dad's and want to come home before you know it.

So unhelpful and un empathic.

Totally understand. It's 18 years of hurt.
Hope it's not 18 hours of crying!
He will probably come back in 6 months though .
Plan some fun stuff. And enjoy your daughters xxxx

Agree he's probably wanting to spend time with his stepbrothers.
You need to make your house the fun house.
How many will live at his dad's house?

Tell him. He's welcome to move back to save up and you will return the rent for a house.

He is probably thinking this is his version of uni.

As he's planning to buy a house soon. This is his only chance to have a uni type life.