DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

You are his known and you are part of him. His father is his unknown but he is also part of him. There is a natural human instinct to know and he has to know for himself, you can't know for him. He may yet be bitterly disappointed when he does know but that is a discovery for him to make in his own time and his own way. Try not to see this as a rejection of you but an attempt by him to discover what he's made of.

Did you bring him up alone, or with his stepdad?

This is really difficult, I 100% understand how you feel and this is something I dread with my son too, although I think if he was 18 I would understand. At that age they're getting restless and just want to try something different. It's in no way a rejection of you and your husband. He sees it as an adventure, and he naturally wants to spend some time with his dad. That novelty may wear off if his dad is as useless as you say, but if you massively overreact he's more likely to feel he can't admit it's not working out well.

He's not moving far away is he? I think for now, just set up a regular time you'll see him every week (assuming he's happy with that? I'm sure he'll appreciate a home cooked meal) and be as supportive as you can. So many kids do this for a while and move back when the novelty wears off. I wouldn't see this as permanent, in all likelihood, although at some point you need to be ready for that.

You need to get a firm grip on your behaviour now though. He knows you're upset, but now you need to take a deep breath and tell him you'll support him in whatever he wants to do and the door is always open if that changes.

I don't think you're unreasonable to feel this way, it must hurt you a lot but you've got to find some acceptance of it.

He's 18. It's completely normal for him to want to move out. It would be more unusual for him to want to stay at home.

With respect, none of this is about you. It's about him, as an adult, doing something different.

You've given him a great start in life, now let him move on to the next stage with your blessing. You won't lose him.

This does sound incredibly hard for you, and it's come out of the blue as well which makes it tough to process.

However, I agree with those who have said your reaction risks alienating your son.

My DH has next to no relationship with his mum because she was like this about every major decision in his life. He didn't go to uni near home, and it was the end of the world. He got a job in his uni town after graduating and didn't move home and that was the end of the world too. Then he married me and that was even worse, because I wasn't from his home town so the grandkids wouldn't be nearby. She cried on his graduation because he wasn't moving home, and even cried on our wedding day. She's never made the effort to visit us even once because it's too hard. And has no idea why DH doesn't want much to do with her. She's made every single significant moment in his life about her.

Kindly, I can also see the same process here. This isn't about you, or anything you did wrong, or rejection - it's about what your son needs at his age and stage.

He's 18, is maybe ready for a change, and it seems he maybe sees the stepbrother as someone he can have fun with etc.

Your son is also trusting you as his Mum and his secure base that he can do that and he will still have you and his home to return to when he needs. He'll never just be a visitor, he's your son. That means you've done a good job - he feels ready to take the next step into adult life and perhaps live somewhere he has to do a bit more for himself. Sometimes kids need that - it sounds like you've done a lot for him, but kids do sometimes need to learn to be more independent.

If you find yourself struggling to process this, speaking to a counsellor could help. You would have a non judgemental safe space to let out how you feel and reflect with someone unconnected and you can process it away from your son and not make him feel guilty for wanting to spread his wings.

It also feels like your self worth is very connected to being a hands on mum, so it may be worth thinking about other things that you value about yourself, other things you are good at and nurturing other close relationships, as your relationship with adult kids does change, and it's healthy that it does. But also understandable that this is a hard process, and it's ok if you need some support managing that transition.

I have had some heartbreak in my life but this beats it all

Seriously???

You are very lucky that you will be able to talk to him today.

There are parents who did not get the opportunity to say goodbye, who did not get the opportunity to say, you are my world, I love you 😢

Pull your big girl pants on and get over yourself!

I haven't slept at all

I'm completely and utterly broken and my head hurts

I've read through all the replies though, thank you all

I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I'm self employed, I can't cancel work

Your reaction is absoluely rediculous and will encourage your son to stay away longer. Feeling upset is natural wanting to die is not. Please get control over your emotions its unfair to your son and rest of your family. Honestly verging on emotionally abusive.

Maybe he just wants to experience living with his dad before he is to old too.
It doesn't mean he loves you any less or you didn't do a brilliant Job.
Be supportive and calm . Tell him he is welcome home for meals or anything he needs whenever he wants.
You are getting yourself into such a state when for all you know after 2 months he will hate it and move back.
He may be an awful dad in your eyes but to him he is young and probably hopeful of a meaning relationship with him. And I hope he gets that.
Because in the long run your sons mental health will be better knowing his dad loved him then if he gets older thinking he didn't.

This isn't about you . It's about your son .

You have to accept that your dc's father is his father, and it is normal and healthy for him to want to explore and consolidate his relationship with him. If his father is a complicated character, that will be harder than for most.

You need to support that, not undermine it. Which is what you are currently doing.

I'm sorry you are so upset.

Divorce can create situations none of us would ever choose. My XH refused to work and when we divorced our son lived with me and our daughter with him. They were 16 and 15. This was a few years ago and it hurt me terribly but I realised by showing her how hurt I was, she avoided me and it compounded the problem.

Since then I have got a hold of myself (I did CBT amongst other things) and am now happy in a new home (where she has her own room much as she stays only occasionally because she lives fairly close by with her dad) and am getting married next year. She is excited to be a bridesmaid.

I had to take real care to separate how I felt about her father to how I felt about her.

And true love is unconditional. So where she lived (with him near her school) was not a measure of how much she loved me. Or how much I loved her.

My daughter comes over for dinner regularly and its great. I note you rejected that idea but it's like date night with your own child apart from it is more relaxed and fun. She now actively seeks my company and I'm just blessed by having her in my life. She's 18 and will be off to uni next year and then wherever she lives doesn't matter one jot.

I have to say that the worst thing for mothers can be when people (like you) judge them for not having all their children living with them. Doesn't make us inferior or bad mothers. But living with someone doesn't mean they love that parent more or that one parent is superior or better than the other. Nor does how much you spend on someone. I am the provider and my ex is not. So I have paid out for my daughter to drive etc whilst she lives with him. So what. She's my daughter. The bitterest pill has been paying him child maintenance but all good things come to an end :)

I hope you find some peace and don't push your son away with this reaction. All your children will leave home and your control of their lives will lessen. They will either enjoy your company or not. Only you can influence that by your behaviour.

It sounds like he had a great holiday and maybe with the immaturity of an 18 year old, thinks his real life could be like that. Let him give it a try. Maybe he needs to spread his wings a bit. Try to reign in the emotion and be supportive. The cynic in me says he will soon realise it’s not all
it’s cracked up to be.

I get that you are hurting but this isn't a battle and you haven't lost. It's perfectly natural that boys will gravitate towards their father. You've done a great job parenting him now it's time to let him spread his wings. Don't let him have a memory of you standing there saying after all I've done for you! Let him go with good grace. You can do this.

@iloveshetlandponies
OP, I really feel your pain.
I think you're getting some really harsh replies here, but hey, that's mumsnet for you.
My DS is 13 and if I was dealing with all this in 5 years under the circumstances youve described, I'd be struggling too.
18 is still a kid.
I can give you a tiny bit of insight.
My mum had me when she was 21. My dad was the same age and he did not want to know about having a baby or being a dad. They split up when I was 3 and my mum single handedly brought me up alone and my dad contributed nothing whatsoever in terms of money or time or support. He moved on and got another family and just left my mum to it. As a parent myself now, I look back and think how bloody hard this must have been for her. But I didn't think about this when I was a child, and I didn't think about it when I was 18. Because my mum had done a really good job of not letting me see how hard things were for her. And I bet you never let your son see how hard your ex made things for you. And that's why he doesn't realise. And nor should he really.
When I was 19, after a lifetime of my dad not being involved in my upbringing, I decided I wanted to know my dad. So I started visiting him regularly. I told my mum and she didn't say anything but she looked like someone had punched her in the stomach. I'll never forget the silent look on her face. But even though I saw that look, I still went ahead and forged a relationship with him, because despite everything....he was my father. Simple as that.
So although this is the hardest thing you've ever been put through, don't show your emotions to your son. Embrace him. Love him. As painful as it's going to be, support him in his decision. He will love you back 100 times over for it, when he is older in life. Tell him this is always his home. That his bedroom will always be his. Hold your head up high, and let him do what he wants to do at this time, despite the pain it's causing you, and don't burden him with strong emotions.
If my mum had done that to me when I decided to start seeing my dad again, it would have 100% pushed me away from her. I would have distanced myself from her, because it would have made me feel guilty.
Don't let this be the case with your son.
He's 18 - it's exactly the age that he's going to want to explore his relationship with his own dad, his birth dad. It doesn't mean he loves you or his stepdad any less.
For what it's worth, after I got to know my dad on my own terms, and I went in to it really positively thinking things were going to be great between us and I was excited to spend time with him. But over time I started seeing things about him that I really didn't like or respect. Gradually, I started seeing through my own eyes why my mum had struggled with him so much, and eventually I pulled back and stopped spending time with him.
Sending a big hug to you - I really do feel for you.
But remember this - the more you love and support your son at this time, the more you'll get that love back in years to come.
And to all those giving OP a hard time: back off!!

I don't understand why he needs to live with his dad and "move out"

Why can't he just spend half his time there? Or stay there when he's working. or even just come and go at both houses when ever he pleases

Why the big show of moving out

@iloveshetlandponies I'm so sorry you're going through this distress.

At 18, he's probably looking to test some boundaries, develop his independence and build a better relationship with a man he probably desperately wants to understand and have love him. He's probably got an idea in his head of what living with his dad will look like that won't be anything like the reality. But he needs the opportunity to learn this for himself. No amount of telling him his dad's a deadbeat will take away the thought of "but maybe it could have been different if I'd tried myself".

He's still your son and loves you. He just also needs to find out for himself what his dad is like and whether the reality of their relationship can live up to what he's imagining.

I am glad you have a good relationship with her but I'd have been devastated
Well done for handling it so well - I'm not sure I would have

Re the judging

I am now worried that people will judge me but karma I guess for me judging others in similar circumstances

Think of all those smelly socks you won't have to wash.

OP. Please. You are working yourself up into a frenzy.
I usually step away from threads like this, because I am speaking as a mother whose son is actually dead.
Your son is alive and well. He is young and is making some choices, as young people do.
You have other children who are going to be very upset at the way you are falling apart here.
You are understandably upset, but the chances are he will realise that life is not at all wonderful living with his dad. He will realise that a lot sooner if you can remain calm and just reassure him that he is welcome to visit etc.

I understood completely how devastated you feel but play it cool. Apologise to your son, explain it was a shock. Say you understand if he wants to form a closer bond with his dad, but your house will always be his home. He will probably be back soon ( rent and box room doesn't sound overly welcoming) but your dramatic response may actually make it harder for him to come home.

How do your husband and other children feel about you crying so much over this? Surely they feel subpar and not enough?

You are clearly projecting about something else here and that's okay - get some therapy.

let him live his own life. Don't express this upset to him any more! Tell him your door is always open for him and try to make a regular arrangement to see him.

Going between two houses is not fun . What 18 year old wants to do that . It will be the novelty off living with his dad.
It's normal to want to explore that relationship.
And maybe a bit exciting for him.
Obviously it may go wrong and they don't get along after a few weeks .
But all you can do is be calm and supportive and show he is welcome home anytime .

Oh god I'm so sorry for your loss