DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

She is still a good kid.
She just made a poor decision.
But for the grace of god for any of us and our children.
I hope she comes to you and you can hug her and get her checked.
Her safety is all that matters and no unwanted outcomes.
The poor mite.
He's obviously scum though.

All I’ve said is that the OP needs to talk to her daughter and there are for me in personal experience a couple of red flags.

You’ve bizarrely wanted to argue on everything. And refuse to accept that there’s a possibility that all may not be well. I hope you’re right, but neither of us actually know.

It's not really your business is it? Shame he sister told you.

Be there for her as a parent, you're not her friend. Tell her if she needs to speak to you, your door is open to support her.

She did mention it.

Poor OP. Shes not glad she posted for support.

@Teateaandmoretea

You are being barmy. The OP’s daughter is 16, she is over the age of consent. She is comfortable talking to her sister, she has not confided in her mum.

If the OP barrels in the trust between the sisters will be lost, and the OP will have far less chance of knowing what is going on, or reassurance that advice is being provided via her elder daughter.

There are no red flags. The girl’s awkwardness is explained by the fact she didn’t use protection and is panicking about being pregnant, and feeling bad about her BF.

Furthermore if she was coerced in any way, she’s far more likely to tell her sister than her rather uptight (again, no offence OP) mum.

In conclusion barrelling in is just about the worse thing the OP could do, and yes, I do have a daughter that age, as I am sure do many of the others on this thread. You cannot demand confidences of teenagers, you respect their privacy and work around the edges

You could possibly ring NHS24 for advice on pregnancy prevention options at this stage and definitely get booked in for STI tests asap.

She did cheat and she absolutely has to tell the boyfriend. It would not be fair to deceive him and he should be given the opportunity to decide whether he wants to remain in the relationship.

The OP can’t directly say any of this, her daughter hasn’t told her, she told her sister.

Please reassure your daughter, hug her and be there.

When I was 16 I got in a relationship with a man who was 21. He was very abusive towards me and physically violent. He stopped me seeing all of my friends, wearing make up, limited contact with my family. I didn’t go away to Uni. All between ages of 16-19.

I needed my mum to not judge and be there where as she backed away not knowing how to react. Maybe if she’d done more I could have got out of it sooner. I don’t blame her. It’s a very difficult situation to be in. I was with this horrible man for over 3 years and it has had a huge impact on me, even now.

I’m not saying this is the situation your daughter is in but just some perspective about staying close and being there for her.

She probably will be in the long run, cos she was about to dramatically overreact

Was she fuck groomed. Utter nonsense. She had managed to get herself a fake id, was out partying in pub and clubs that she shouldn't have been in and told the guy she was 19. That's not groomed.
Why is it that certain members of this site really think everything is always the man's fault and the female is always an innocent victim?

Take care of each other, there are services that you can access for emergency contraception despite the bank holiday weekend. You & your daughter can read about the options & find services for this here

https://www.nhs.uk/contraception/emergency-contraception/

This to find pharmacy services which are open
www.nhs.uk/service-search/pharmacy/find-a-pharmacy

If too late for oral (emergency) contraception the sexual health clinic will discuss the IUD option with your daughter. There's a postcode search function below to find your nearest sexual health clinic

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/sexual-health-services/find-a-sexual-health-clinic/

& more information here https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/where-can-i-get-sexual-health-advice-now

Post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP) is taken within 72 hours of possible exposure to HIV, otherwise the advice is to be tested (for this virus) 4 weeks after the unprotected sex episode www.dean.st/pep/

Why is he scum ,he met her in a,club for over 18,s she said she was 19 ,it was a one night stand they happen.

She had sex with a bloke who was not her boyfriend. Of course that is cheating. She's young and she made a mistake but that doesn't make it any less cheating than if she were 18.

Completely agree. The (excellent) advice on STI and pregnancy protection needs to be given to her sister who can reassure and pass it on accordingly.

This girl has made a mistake. She's 16; God knows I made plenty at that age, if different ones. It needs to be sorted and resolved and then she needs to be allowed to move on and past it, but the girls need to sort it without her knowing mum knows - her mum needs to stay out unless her daughter comes to her directly, or her daughter will lose the support her sister can give her, because the trust there will be gone, too.

It is cheating yes, but the fact she isn’t an adult makes her less culpable.

STD checks a must… and needs to be considered if she continues seeing her boyfriend as though nothing happened then she could be putting HIS health at risk too.

Theres been lots of good advice on here, definitely agree with passing the words on to older DD rather than going straight to younger DD. And I wouldn’t put blame on the cousin, yes she’s a little older but still a teen herself. Most of us have made mistakes and acted stupidly as teens I definitely did.

That’s a little harsh, it’s just a ONS.

A tall dressed up 16 year old could easily pass for 19 in a might club.

Although he should have bloody used a condom, of course.

You've made several posts denying it was cheating, that was what I was responding to. She's old enough to be in a relationship, she's old enough to take responsibility for cheating. Should it be a mistake that burdens her for life? Of course not. Teenagers fuck up But she is culpable for her actions.

She doesn't have to tell her boyfriend. It's upto the girl concerned who and how she wants to be. She isn't obligated to follow your, or anyone else's, moral code.

And if it had been her boyfriend who cheated on her would you take the same position?

I agree she's 16 ,in a relationship for less than a year, I font see why she needs to till the boyfriend ,chances are the relationship won't last anyway.

I would talk to her and then go to a 24 hour chemist for the MAP asap.

In fact that is what I did in similar circumstances with my dd. We then went and got lunch together.

My dd is a good kid, having a daft ons does not change that.

Get her on her own and ask her if she's ok, say you've noticed she's quiet and did anything happen. Genuine concern and care should be the only vibe she gets from you no matter how hard it is to bury it, try very hard not to let any hint of shocked and horrified be communicated to her verbally or non verbally.

If she doesn't open up to you then I don't think you should push it as she's not aware you know what happened. Encourage her sister to be supportive and offer practical help as well.

It could be very problematic for their relationship if you tell her that her sister told you or if there is any hint of her getting in trouble with you as a result of her sister breaking her trust.

She’s still a “good kid”. Having sex is not inherently ”bad’.

I’m in my 20s and think a 25 year old sleeping with a 16 year old is morbid. I remember being at university a couple of years ago, even 18 year olds think 16-17 year olds are too young (eg school life stage vs university life stage). 21 year olds thought 18 year olds were too young (ie first year students vs final year students). Young people who actually have their shit together want to date people who have similar lifestyles.

25 year old man having sex with someone who is 16 is vile, he had to resort to lying about his age as he knew he wouldn’t have otherwise stood a chance. There likely would have been an element of manipulation and pressure even if the sex was consensual.

I think it’s irrelevant that she is “dating” someone at home and “cheated”, because she was in a predatory situation.