Page 10 | DD slept with a 25 year old man

isbypalm · 2024-08-25T15:37:15+00:00

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her. Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday. I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated! DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!! I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say. I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test. I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

PoopedAndScooped · 25/08/2024 20:37

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 19:07

It’s cheating when you are an adult

She 16, she is not an adult, she got swept along in an unfamiliar situation, in which we know she did not have her shit together because she failed to use protection.

Chances are it was her first time in a grown up club, first time drinking that much, first time flirting with guys well into their 20s.

She lost control of the situation. She cannot be held to grown up standards.

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Dont be so daft 😂😂😂

Original poster

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 20:38

I haven't read all the new posts but I thought I'd update.
She got home and had a little chat with DD1, quickly followed by her asking if I could take her to a pharmacy that would be open. I asked why and she told me she needed the morning after pill. I don't think there are any open near us right now (this conversation was around 7pm) but I will take her to one tomorrow. She slept with him on Friday night very late (early hours Saturday really).
I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she told me everything, she had her sisters ID (they look very very similar, her sister knew), went out for drinks, that turned to going to a club/bar type place and from there ended up flirting with a guy, she told him she was 19, knew he was 25 but anyway went home with him. She said she was drunk and didn't really think about protection but it was consensual, he didn't force her to do anything and they were both very drunk.
She told her cousin who asked her not to but also being drunk couldn't really stop her.
She was very upset, I told her it's okay and we can deal with it. She seemed more upset about cheating than anything else If I'm honest. Although she has told her boyfriend (she did so yesterday on the train home) and all he really had to say was I'm mad and need time to think about it. She was on the pill for a while but it wasn't working for her and we were going to get the coil or implant sorter but life has been busy.
Lessons have definitely been learnt, I didn't tell her off or get mad.

I guess my good kid comment was more just that I've never really seen her make a mistake before so I wasn't sure how to handle it, she's still a fantastic kid, just new territory.

Thank you for all the advice and kind words.

OP posts:

ditalini · 25/08/2024 20:38

creepywoman · 25/08/2024 20:33

She’s still a “good kid”. Having sex is not inherently ”bad’.

I’m in my 20s and think a 25 year old sleeping with a 16 year old is morbid. I remember being at university a couple of years ago, even 18 year olds think 16-17 year olds are too young (eg school life stage vs university life stage). 21 year olds thought 18 year olds were too young (ie first year students vs final year students). Young people who actually have their shit together want to date people who have similar lifestyles.

25 year old man having sex with someone who is 16 is vile, he had to resort to lying about his age as he knew he wouldn’t have otherwise stood a chance. There likely would have been an element of manipulation and pressure even if the sex was consensual.

I think it’s irrelevant that she is “dating” someone at home and “cheated”, because she was in a predatory situation.

No, she lied about her age. He thought she was 19 and she knew he was 25.

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 20:40

PoopedAndScooped · 25/08/2024 20:37

Dont be so daft 😂😂😂

Show quote history

It’s not daft.

She cheated, but she is not culpable as an adult would be.

She is 16 years old.

theduchessofspork · 25/08/2024 20:42

@isbypalm

That’s a good update, I’m glad all is moving forward.

Poppalina37 · 25/08/2024 20:43

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 17:01

Thank you everyone. I will ask DD1 to maybe have the chat at first and encourage DD2 to talk to me. I think I'm just shocked, she has always been my "good kid" I never expected this from her. She went down last Saturday and came back yesterday so could be anything from a week to 2 days since it happened.

She's still a good kid... it's a slip up... part of growing up x

MrsSunshine2b · 25/08/2024 20:45

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 20:38

I haven't read all the new posts but I thought I'd update.
She got home and had a little chat with DD1, quickly followed by her asking if I could take her to a pharmacy that would be open. I asked why and she told me she needed the morning after pill. I don't think there are any open near us right now (this conversation was around 7pm) but I will take her to one tomorrow. She slept with him on Friday night very late (early hours Saturday really).
I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she told me everything, she had her sisters ID (they look very very similar, her sister knew), went out for drinks, that turned to going to a club/bar type place and from there ended up flirting with a guy, she told him she was 19, knew he was 25 but anyway went home with him. She said she was drunk and didn't really think about protection but it was consensual, he didn't force her to do anything and they were both very drunk.
She told her cousin who asked her not to but also being drunk couldn't really stop her.
She was very upset, I told her it's okay and we can deal with it. She seemed more upset about cheating than anything else If I'm honest. Although she has told her boyfriend (she did so yesterday on the train home) and all he really had to say was I'm mad and need time to think about it. She was on the pill for a while but it wasn't working for her and we were going to get the coil or implant sorter but life has been busy.
Lessons have definitely been learnt, I didn't tell her off or get mad.

I guess my good kid comment was more just that I've never really seen her make a mistake before so I wasn't sure how to handle it, she's still a fantastic kid, just new territory.

Thank you for all the advice and kind words.

There will be a pharmacy somewhere open near you. She needs the MAP as soon as possible. Do not wait until the morning. www.nhs.uk/service-search/pharmacy/find-a-pharmacy

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 25/08/2024 20:46

@isbypalm
Sounds like you're dealing with the situation in a very sensible way. Your daughter will be learning lessons, just reassure her it's all part of life's experiences and she will be fine. It's always a shock to find out our children have behaved in a way we might not expect.

Kitkat1523 · 25/08/2024 20:46

creepywoman · 25/08/2024 20:33

She’s still a “good kid”. Having sex is not inherently ”bad’.

I’m in my 20s and think a 25 year old sleeping with a 16 year old is morbid. I remember being at university a couple of years ago, even 18 year olds think 16-17 year olds are too young (eg school life stage vs university life stage). 21 year olds thought 18 year olds were too young (ie first year students vs final year students). Young people who actually have their shit together want to date people who have similar lifestyles.

25 year old man having sex with someone who is 16 is vile, he had to resort to lying about his age as he knew he wouldn’t have otherwise stood a chance. There likely would have been an element of manipulation and pressure even if the sex was consensual.

I think it’s irrelevant that she is “dating” someone at home and “cheated”, because she was in a predatory situation.

you got it all wrong…the OPs daughter is the liar….she said she was 19 and the man quite openly said he was 25 ….so who manipulated who?

x2boys · 25/08/2024 20:51

creepywoman · 25/08/2024 20:33

She’s still a “good kid”. Having sex is not inherently ”bad’.

I’m in my 20s and think a 25 year old sleeping with a 16 year old is morbid. I remember being at university a couple of years ago, even 18 year olds think 16-17 year olds are too young (eg school life stage vs university life stage). 21 year olds thought 18 year olds were too young (ie first year students vs final year students). Young people who actually have their shit together want to date people who have similar lifestyles.

25 year old man having sex with someone who is 16 is vile, he had to resort to lying about his age as he knew he wouldn’t have otherwise stood a chance. There likely would have been an element of manipulation and pressure even if the sex was consensual.

I think it’s irrelevant that she is “dating” someone at home and “cheated”, because she was in a predatory situation.

I'm glad I went to uni in the 90 s when were not all so uptight with rigid rules about who should be dating who ,he's not dating a 16 year old BTW, it was a one night stand and shext9ld him she was 19.

Twobigbabies · 25/08/2024 20:57

Well done sounds like you handled it really well and great that she opened up to you.

For me the most worrying thing here is that she went home with a random stranger in a big city that's not her home. Such an incredibly dangerous thing to do. Sorry if I'm stating the obvious but have you discussed calmly what could have happened to her? I don't have teens yet and appreciate the cousin is also young but I wouldn't let her go to visit this cousin again alone. 16 is so young and vulnerable-barely out of childhood. I feel like we all looked after each other at this age amongst girlfriends and made sure we all got home together. I'm not sure that 'being too drunk' is an adequate excuse from the cousin. How scary for you.

x2boys · 25/08/2024 20:58

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 20:38

I haven't read all the new posts but I thought I'd update.
She got home and had a little chat with DD1, quickly followed by her asking if I could take her to a pharmacy that would be open. I asked why and she told me she needed the morning after pill. I don't think there are any open near us right now (this conversation was around 7pm) but I will take her to one tomorrow. She slept with him on Friday night very late (early hours Saturday really).
I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she told me everything, she had her sisters ID (they look very very similar, her sister knew), went out for drinks, that turned to going to a club/bar type place and from there ended up flirting with a guy, she told him she was 19, knew he was 25 but anyway went home with him. She said she was drunk and didn't really think about protection but it was consensual, he didn't force her to do anything and they were both very drunk.
She told her cousin who asked her not to but also being drunk couldn't really stop her.
She was very upset, I told her it's okay and we can deal with it. She seemed more upset about cheating than anything else If I'm honest. Although she has told her boyfriend (she did so yesterday on the train home) and all he really had to say was I'm mad and need time to think about it. She was on the pill for a while but it wasn't working for her and we were going to get the coil or implant sorter but life has been busy.
Lessons have definitely been learnt, I didn't tell her off or get mad.

I guess my good kid comment was more just that I've never really seen her make a mistake before so I wasn't sure how to handle it, she's still a fantastic kid, just new territory.

Thank you for all the advice and kind words.

Ah it's a learning curve she's not a bad kid she's just made a a mistake perfectly normal at that age, I have a 17 year old son they are so young in many ways ,get the morning after pill sorted etc hopefully she will learn from it.

TulaTilda · 25/08/2024 20:59

She's 16 so I don't see an issue really other then she regrets it but most people have a night or more they regret.
I'd give a hug and tell her you can see she's not happy and you're there if she wants to talk with no judgement etc

Runnerinthenight · 25/08/2024 21:01

x2boys · 25/08/2024 20:51

I'm glad I went to uni in the 90 s when were not all so uptight with rigid rules about who should be dating who ,he's not dating a 16 year old BTW, it was a one night stand and shext9ld him she was 19.

Show quote history

My 20-somethings also have odd ideas about dating and age. DC2 discovered that their 25 year old friend is dating a 34 year old man. The friend said they'd had a few comments. DC was fine with it but the elder DC thought it was a bit icky?

I can't see anything wrong with it personally.

@isbypalm glad your DD has confided in you, and hopefully all will be well. Boyfriend mightn't be forgiving though...

Timeturnerplease · 25/08/2024 21:09

NCfor24 · 25/08/2024 17:03

Agree with this. My sister is 18 months younger than me and as teens she was wild. I couldn't have controlled her if my life depended on it, and hated feeling responsible for her on a night out. She got into some ridiculously dangerous situations, but me trying to stop her would have had no impact whatsoever because I was "boring".
I'd say leave the cousin out of this entirely.

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Yes very much this. My next youngest sister is 18 months younger than me and I could no more have controlled her at 15 than grown an extra head. Yelling at me for being boring as she climbed off the balcony in a Barbados hotel room to go off and take drugs with the water sports guys was a particular high point.

She’s 36 now and a sensible married woman with two children under 4yo, and we have an excellent relationship. All is not lost; be supportive of your DD, get the health stuff sorted and assume that it’s just a blip.

Mumto32022 · 25/08/2024 21:16

She did a thing. And she regrets it.
she will learn from it. No not nice as a parent to know she’s done that.
but she’s had legal consensual sex - so you can’t be too hard on her. She was probably just having fun and wanted to impress her friend or be a bit risky.
try and not go in all guns blazing or she will never confide in you again. I bet she’s absolutely horrified and mortified you know.
but this could be a building point of a good open relationship going forwards.

I remember being 16. Doesn’t feel too long ago in my head. I felt a lot older than I was and was doing things I shouldn’t have been doing. And I look back and wish I hadn’t. We live and we learn and we go forwards and learn from mistakes and she will too.

Bobandbear · 25/08/2024 21:21

Kindness and getting the right support. Check where she is in her cycle as the morning after pill isn’t effective just after ovulation so knowing this fact could save a lot of heartache. If she’s around ovulation then the coil is the best bet for preventing pregnancy.

rainbowunicorn · 25/08/2024 21:24

creepywoman · 25/08/2024 20:33

She’s still a “good kid”. Having sex is not inherently ”bad’.

I’m in my 20s and think a 25 year old sleeping with a 16 year old is morbid. I remember being at university a couple of years ago, even 18 year olds think 16-17 year olds are too young (eg school life stage vs university life stage). 21 year olds thought 18 year olds were too young (ie first year students vs final year students). Young people who actually have their shit together want to date people who have similar lifestyles.

25 year old man having sex with someone who is 16 is vile, he had to resort to lying about his age as he knew he wouldn’t have otherwise stood a chance. There likely would have been an element of manipulation and pressure even if the sex was consensual.

I think it’s irrelevant that she is “dating” someone at home and “cheated”, because she was in a predatory situation.

What are you going in about. He didn't lie about anything. OPs daughter on the other hand lied about her age, got a fake id, went out partying in pubs and clubs with the fake id. Maybe take the time to actually read the OP properly if you are going to comment.

DogsAtDawn · 25/08/2024 21:29

There's a lot of language of ownership on this thread. Have her tested, get her this, do that, do the other, make sure she.... She is nearly 17. How about asking her what she wants to do and not even that until she decides to confide in you. Advice is one thing. Telling is another. She may be young but it's her body and she gets to decide who touches it and what chemicals go into it. There is a lot of talk of bodily autonomy on here. It would be nice if people practised what they preach.

GingerBeverage · 25/08/2024 21:43

It's perfectly fine for a parent to offer guidance to their child, who is still a minor. Language of ownership fgs.
Teens make rash decisions which they often regret. Good luck OP and hope she can still enjoy a nice 17th birthday.

DeadbeatYoda · 25/08/2024 21:46

Shocked and horrified is an absurd over-reaction. Everyone makes mistakes. Support in whatever way you can. Check older sister is supportive too.

Dery · 25/08/2024 22:00

@isbypalm - just reposting this: “There will be a pharmacy somewhere open near you. She needs the MAP as soon as possible. Do not wait until the morning. www.nhs.uk/service-search/pharmacy/find-a-pharmacy”

In your shoes I would be off to the pharmacy now but I live in London and these things are very easily done.

It’s great that your DD2 is able to talk to DD1 and you. That’s a testament to great parenting.

It is just a shame that youngsters now don’t seem to have condom use drummed into them as that is the best protection against STIs. But I came of age in the mid-1980s so it was the default in any case because HIV infection was so dangerous then. Are you satisfied that your DDs understand the desirability of using condoms for ONSs and new relationships? This has made me realise this is a conversation I will need to attempt with my teen DDs also!

Find a pharmacy - NHS

Find an open pharmacy near you on the NHS website. Check your local pharmacy's opening times, and find your nearest late night, 24-hour or out-of-hours chemist.

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/pharmacy/find-a-pharmacy

Runnerinthenight · 25/08/2024 22:01

DeadbeatYoda · 25/08/2024 21:46

Shocked and horrified is an absurd over-reaction. Everyone makes mistakes. Support in whatever way you can. Check older sister is supportive too.

It's not an overreaction when it's a child you never expected to behave in this way.

What's important isn't the initial reaction, but how the OP handles this as a mum and from where I'm standing that seems to be kind and supportive.

batt3nb3rg · 25/08/2024 22:04

thebestinterest · 25/08/2024 17:18

What she did doesn’t make her a “bad kid” ffs 🤦🏾‍♀️

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It absolutely does lol.

girljulian · 25/08/2024 22:19

isbypalm · 25/08/2024 17:01

Thank you everyone. I will ask DD1 to maybe have the chat at first and encourage DD2 to talk to me. I think I'm just shocked, she has always been my "good kid" I never expected this from her. She went down last Saturday and came back yesterday so could be anything from a week to 2 days since it happened.

I think most "good kids" are exceptionally good at hiding their bad behaviour from their parents. I was an incredibly Good Kid and my mother would be absolutely appalled if she knew what I did while I was getting my 4 A-grade A-Levels and subsequent first from Oxford.