DD slept with a 25 year old man

[isbypalm]

I don't know how to feel or react, DD is 16, she is 17 next week, going into Y13. She's smart she got all 8/9s in her GCSEs, she doesn't cause any problems at home, her room in always clean, she doesn't talk back, I never have issues with her.
Last week she went to London to stay with her cousin who is at uni down there (19), they went to Taylor Swift and Noah Kahan together, did some museums like the V&A and just had a nice time. She got home yesterday.
I knew instantly something was wrong, she was quiet, went straight to her room. This morning my older daughter who is 18, just left school came to me and told me that while in London she had used a fake ID (no idea when or how she got this) to go out partying and went home with a 25 year old. Apparently DD2 confided in her as they didn't use protection and she was worried. She said he thought she was 19 and it was consensual but she regrets it. She has been seeing a boy up here who is the same age for about 8 months so not only did she sleep with a 25 year old, she cheated!
DD is tall but I don't think she looks over 18 at all!!!

I haven't spoken to her yet as she went out to her friends for the afternoon but I know she will be home soon and I have no idea what to say.
I don't know which night this was so not sure if the morning after pill will be effective (if it will be I will get it) otherwise I will definitely be getting her an STD test.
I'm so shocked and horrified, how do I handle this?

I was with you to the second half - it isn’t dangerous because if it isn’t rape it isn’t rape.

I was a little older, when I ended up having unprotected sex with a man, I'd only met that night. My Mum immediately knew something was wrong and I ended up blurting everything out. She came with me to the Doctor, and I had STD and pregnancy tests. The OP's daughter is most likely quiet, because she had unprotected sex and is worrying that she's pregnant or has caught an STD. Teenagers make mistakes. Remain calm, make an appointment to see a Doctor, don't judge her and reassure her. Perhaps at some point a chat about the importance of using condoms (give her a pack to carry with her) and also the safety angle of going off with a complete stranger. Thankfully, I hadn't caught anything and didn't fall pregnant either.

The only red flag is she was quiet - she’s just had unprotected sex and is panicking about that and feeling bad about her BF.
There’s no reason to assume it’s anything more.

For now, the OP needs to leave it to her older daughter who’s going to have more success getting the 16 year old to get through the essential steps.

Only in my mind what?

I am saying the mum needs to talk to her - do you disagree with that?

The OP needs to talk to her. It is very concerning people are saying otherwise.

I would leave it to the older sister tbh ,who is less likely to over react.

Well I and a few others are perhaps a little concerned by you and your large red flag collection. Were you never a teenager?

Where are the additional "red flags" though? She's already told her sister she's worried because they didn't use contraception, which was extremely silly of them both, that she regrets it (which most people with a boyfriend would) she said she thought he was 19, and he's likely to have thought she was 18-ish, given she was in an 18+ venue.

It isn't a "big red flag" to be worried after doing something you regret as a teen. If he was 45 and she'd told her sister she 'consented' but now doesn't think she did, I'd think differently. If she'd wanted to use contraception but he'd refused, I might think differently. But she hasn't indicated to the sis that's the case.

Jeez you obviously don’t have a daughter that age.

The words of the OP are a red flag to me. As is the not using contraception. It may also be nothing.

i’m actually horrified by people saying that the OP shouldn’t talk to her daughter.

If the Op approaches it aa she's shocked and horrified her daughter won't confide anything to her ,her sister would be a better bet imo.

Ypu don’t have a daughter that age do you?

Not ideal but the coil may still be an option to avoid pregnancy. There is a time pressure so you can't pussy foot around it. The older DD can't handle it hence she confided in her mother

The OP needs to talk to her. It is very concerning people are saying otherwise

I don't think mum's are always the best person to talk to in delicate situations.

Mum has made it clear that she is "furious and 'horrified" Therefore she ma come across as being angry or judgemental which means dd won't open up.
In my opinion mum needs the sister to support. The dd is more likely to open up. Sister can ask for advice on anything she us unsure about.

It really isn't "concerning". Many of us are super alert to "abuse" situations and the signs having experienced it ouselves and seeing it in friends and family, and I'd be the first to say if I thought there were massive red flags here, but I'm really not seeing them in this case. She's worried, yes, and not herself. That's normal given what she's said. She's been completely open about what's worrying her. There's no evidence there are mysterious "extras".

Guilt that she cheated on her boyfriend and he (everyone?) might find out and break up with her..? And fear she may be pregnant/have an STI?

So you don’t think that the OP should talk to her daughter? __

No but I was once that age with a mother who was extremely unapproachable about sex and would have used the shocked and horrified approach rather than the supportive one
I would have been far more likely to confide in my sister.

Lots of elements. I'm certainly not into "blaming" teenage girls for having sex or doing something silly. It happens. There's nothing in what's been said that is flagging up anything "additionally murky" though.

Quite possibly.

But there is a ? at the end of your post.

Do you think the OP should talk to her daughter?

She’s still your ‘good kid’ 🙄 jeez

But would your mother have posted on here about it? The OP is not your mother.

You’ve never even seen this girl?! You only have to spend 5 minutes on TikTok to see how into makeup a lot of teen girls are, and how they can drastically change their appearance and look so much older. Not to mention they met in a dark club… An unprotected one night stand isn’t exactly ideal but the suggestions of grooming or accusing the guy of being a pedo are seriously far fetched.

As I said previously, I think the OP should let her daughter know that she's noticed she's not quite herself and that she's a listening ear if she needs to talk about anything. It shows she cares, that she's noticed, but it's not barging in hysterically in a way that's likely to alienate a daughter who's already fretting.

The daughter has already talked to her sister and openly confided in her what her worries are. Her sister would be the most likely person if there's anything more serious.

Well no because my mother is 82 and mumsnet wasn't around when I was the dd,s age ,but the Op has said she's shocked and horrified by what's happened.