17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

"Not in the mood" doesn't really cut it though does it?

Not when it's something you have agreed to & had a hand in the planning of.

If she's ill, then yes a couple of days rest & do what she can after that.

It's day 6 & she "doesn't feel great".

So not really ill then?

Perhaps if she got out & about she'd feel better!

I'm wondering if something traumatic has happened to her for her to shut down so much. The OP says she is having a tough time socially. Plus an emotional crash after exams etc.

I'm 51 and have recurring depression usually triggered by anxiety. When I am in the middle of it this is how I behave- I basically shut down and turn inwards. I'm getting better at dealing with it (because I'm 51 and had decades of practice) but as a teen I was dreadful at that and would essentially just retreat into my shell.

I ended up crying on the way back from my last holiday with my teenage son. He would come out and have a swim with me and let me buy him a meal then he'd just want to go back to the room and be on his phone. He was rude and sullen frequently and obviously had no appreciation of how much I'd spent and how much I'd looked forward to having proper time together.

Queuing at arrivals with him moaning away was hell and then we got on the train and a little boy got on all proud of himself that he was carrying one of Mummy's bags and I fell apart because he was EXACTLY how my son used to be instead of the unrecognisable shit bag he'd been for the previous 2 weeks who'd had me wondering exactly where I'd gone wrong for him to have changed so much,

It was basically peak selfish/sullen stage of teens plus the reality that he was actually at the stage that anything without his friends was boring. I was exhausted and upset and ashamed that I'd managed to totally screw up parenting to have created someone with so little empathy and consideration and baffled by how this had happened when he'd been full of both when younger.

And I'm someone who works with teens!! I don't know if I'd somehow thought that we were immune to the teen business because he was such a lovely child and we were so close but no, we weren't.

Don't go on holiday together again unless you can somehow magically afford and cope with her bringing a friend and be ok with barely seeing them OR she is much older.

Don't think you've fucked up as a parent and raised a child devoid of empathy and consideration.

Do have faith she still loves and needs you.

She will come out the other side and hopefully be more like the character you knew before the teenage years but with maturity and experience added.

I'm guessing you're a single mum like me which makes things a bit more intense.

I behaved similarly as a teenager on holiday with my mum (think I was about 15), I just wanted to stay in the hotel and watch TV (wasn't even a particularly nice hotel!) My mum went and did a beautiful coastal walk on a lovely sunny day while I sat watching daytime TV/DVDs.

There is a photo of me on that holiday sticking my middle finger up at the camera! So mortifying! Don't have a clue who I was trying to be.

Being a teenager is hard work, and that was without the pressure of social media. Fwiw I still go on holiday with my mum at least once a year and we always enjoy doing the same things. I agree with other posters that this is a sign to hold of on holidays with her in the near future.

Really hope she makes more of an effort for the rest of your trip.

I could have wrote this myself. My mum took me to Barcelona using the money she had saved for so long as a single parent and I was absolutely awful. Moaned about everything, didn't want to go to the places we'd planned to go, didn't even like walking next to her when we were out and about. I have no idea why!!! We were so close and I was so excited to go away but my hormones / mood just took a dip when we arrived and I was miserable the whole time.

Thankfully we had many holidays after that one (once I was an adult and started earning my own money) which were great but that one sticks in my memory as I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to afford it and how much she was looking forward to it. I look back now and feel terrible about it - especially as she died last year and I'll never get to go on holiday with her again.

Bloody horrible, self-absorbed teenagers eh.

I’ve had similar with my DC though not when it was just us, so a lot less to deal with. So I agree with PPs, ask her what she wants to do, make it clear that she needs to join in wholeheartedly if the holiday is to continue, or simply pack up and go home. Personally, unless there’s a lot of other stuff going on, I wouldn’t dwell on it or take it too personally, teens have a lot going on in their lives and the whole leaving home and going to uni is tough on them. Having said that adult kids need to pull their weight generally with housework and cooking / shopping and being a pleasant house-mate, your DD needs to start to appreciate this.

What a brat! So sorry OP.

I think it's important to sit her down and explain why you're feeling disappointed. I was a horrific teenager and extremely selfish, but my mum never actually explained to me why she was upset with me, she just always was. I was stupid and naive enough to not get it until many years later and I wish she had just said things like 'look you're ruining this trip for me, it's not ok to promise xyz and then just sit inside'. Would have helped me grow up faster and be ready for adult friendships.

Good lord, she is nearly an adult so speak to her like one. Tell her you want some company - that's why you invited her - and if she doesn't want to be seen with you then she can go home. Also tell her to pull her finger out with the washing up. At some point she'll be holidaying with friends or a partner in future, and she needs to learn how to behave!

It’s the gods’ way of telling you that you’ve got an entitled and spoilt daughter, you mean.

And to never pay for any holiday they go on !

OP if this is totally out of character is there any chance that something major is kicking off on social media that she feels she can't ignore? Rightly or wrongly sm is kid's life these days and they find it really difficult to detach it from real life. I'd ask her quite directly if there's something going on that you can help her with.

If she says not I'd explain that then you expect her to engage with the holiday. If she chooses not to then get the bare minimum food in and refuse to cook anything. Take yourself out sightseeing and make a point of eating out too.

She's going out by herself into the big bad world very soon. She probably needs to learn the hard way that you get out of life what you put into it.

Ds barely left his room when we went to Fuerteventura a few years ago. Wasn't horrible, just wouldn't go out.

I would be passive aggressive on this one. She wants to stay in? Fine. I would be going out and staying out. Eat out every single day. Don't food shop. Wash only your own cups etc. If she wants to lay in the flat, pissing about on her phone and eating cheese sandwiches off a saucepan, thats her lookout.

Hope you can salvage the rest of the holiday. For this very reason I don't have any intention this year of taking my 17 & 18 year olds away. Every holiday for the last few years, whilst has had good moments has had testing moments too. Teenagers are hard work. Thankfully they have had a break with their dad (so I feel less guilty) and are planning trips possibly with friends, I'd rather help fund that than spend £££s on a family holdiay to be potentially ruied. Instead i've got a nice holiday booked without them next month, doing something I've wanted to do for ages and that at least one of mine would hate.

I want to cancel but I think that will be a case of cutting off my nose to spite my face. - it will indeed be. I am widowed and often holiday alone - forget your annoyance with your DD and just get on out there and enjoy yourself while you have the chance. You have invited her to join you, she chooses not to, but that is no reason for you not to have fun! It has not turned out as you expected, but you can still enjoy yourself.

We once finished up with a 16 year old DD on hols in Austria with us. She was pining for her boyfriend who was at that time in Africa and barely joined in anything. We just got on with stuff and left her to it. She looks back on it now and says she is annoyed with herself for wasting the opportunities. You can lead a horse to water .............

She's 17/18 though-not 14/15!

Shouldn't she be out of the selfish sulks by now & somewhat open to reason?

She can only ruin your holiday if you choose to let her. She has made her choice to loll about in the hotel. You make yours: to enjoy yourself. There is fun to be had on your own.

I did this on holiday once. I was sick with worry about a friendship issue back home. In hindsight it was stupid but at the time I genuinely made myself ill with it and wasted a lovely holiday.
See if she'll open up to you about it all.

Sorry, missing the point but did you say Viking? 🫦 bored? 😏 lonely? 🤔

She might still be under the weather. I've been ill this half term and although I'm not taking any more medication I'm absolutely wiped out. Wild horses couldn't drag me to a museum right now.

Poor you. I did exactly this on a holiday to New York with my parents at 17. I didn't get on well with my mum and we managed this at home by largely staying out of each other's way. I was halfway through sixth form, and felt that being away meant I'd be squeezed out of friendship groups and just had general FOMO. I moped the whole time, wouldn't speak unless spoken to, and left my parents to do most of the sightseeing by themselves as I roamed about solo and sulking. A holiday like this was a really big deal for us, and I was utterly churlish and ungrateful. I feel so mortified looking back, but I was just overwhelmed with 17 year old angst and selfish introspection!

These days I often reflect on what a little git I was when I take my now 19 year old daughter away. I'm a single parent, so I'm glad to say she's much better than me. But even when she was younger there was usually a day or two when she had one of her 'headaches' and started moping. I think it's just too close quarters. This year we just went away for three nights in the UK and she was finally mostly charming - no headache until the last morning, so we went home a bit earlier than planned, which I expect she was hoping for. But even though she's mainly great, and I'm very understanding, I know just how disappointing it is when things go like this. Sympathies - I think it is one of the many things about parenting that are tough, especially when you just want to have a nice time with them and do everything you can to make that happen. Sometimes whatever you do is just wrong, but you couldn't have done anything better.

I would book her a flight home and enjoy the rest of the time by myself. Maybe she isn't well but she cat eat and be on social media. Entitled and 0 respect for you. Relationship seems all 1 way. Has she always been this spoilt and self centered?

I definitely don't think you should miss out. There are online communities, eg Host a Sister, where you can find local women (all ages) to show you around and do things with, if solo exploring isn't your thing.
Is she up for very chilled out activities, eg a morning people watching at a terrace cafe instead of staying in? Any chance she'd struggle with an activity packed day and is staying in so she doesn't feel she's dragging you down?

She's behaving really badly and ungratefully. Does she know how hard you saved up and planned for this? I'd be having a conversation with her about the money and planning this has taken.

Not being '100%' is not the same as being floored with flu/cold/tiredness. I've been unwell on holidays and still managed to get myself out to see places and have dinner etc, because a) it's not fair on whoever you're with and b) it's a lot of effort and money to waste.

Get on with seeing the things you want to see. Eat out when you feel like it. If she doesn't come out with you she can fend for herself. But she may well miraculously recover if you tell her this, and be suddenly able to come out to eat with you!