17 year old ruining holiday - won't leave the hotel

[Waferbiscuit]

Looking for advice on how to handle this situation. 18 year old Daughter and I are on a 9 day holiday visiting two cities in Europe of her choice. We have been planning this for a year and I've been so excited. I've saved and saved and we are staying in the nicest airbnb and then moving on to a gorgeous hotel. I've planned loads of activities that I thought she would like.

Day 1 we arrive and she says she feels she has the flu so stays in while I explore. We are now on day 6 and she has left the airbnb once to go out for dinner. She is claiming she doesn't feel great but is on social all day with her friends and calling them too. Activities have been cancelled and I am basically going out everyday alone.

I am so disappointed. I think she felt unwell for a few days but now just prefers staying in as it's a lovely flat. She's not even taking the cold and flu medicine anymore.

We are meant to move on to the next city tomorrow but am considering cancelling and getting a cheap flight home. I don't want a repeat of what's happening now. I will get some money back but not a lot.

It's quite lonely doing everything on my own and more than that I'm genuinely sad that what was meant to be a memory making holiday before she went to uni has been a wash out.

Should I cancel or stick it out? If I cancel I will miss out but equally will be even more down if her behaviour continues and it's 3 more days of me exploring museums on my own.

I have cut right back on holidays with my teens and probably will do the minimum from now on for similar reasons.

she is being exceptionally rude. If she won’t leave the accommodation then either you make the most of the holiday or cut it short but make sure she knows that you will never again fund a holiday for her.

A. Why not?
b. They’re in an AirBNB 🤦

A - because the whole point of a thread is to respond to the OP, so it's understood that's what you're doing unless you make it clear you're not (i.e. quote someone else). You made her and everyone else scroll through all that text again just to see your one-line reply.

Yep this.

We paid the equivalent of a small mortgage to take out DCs on a dream once in a lifetime holiday. DS1 - then almost 18 - was a nightmare. He just wanted to sleep all day and like the OP's DD mooch around the accommodation. He hasn't been on holiday with us since. I told him to pay for his own holiday and go with his friends.

Saying that though, I have a friend with 2 very sweet, quiet and biddable girls in their late teens/early 20s and she wouldn't dream of going on holiday without them.

Further to my previous message, I recommend that the OP just get on with the holiday. Have a good time, see the sights. Don't pander to the behaviour, just ignore.

So many silly responses involving removing phones or sending her home early. You can't remove a phone from an 18 year old adult.

Just ignore the behaviour. Give her the option of joining you, she either comes or she doesn't. Her choice. As others have sagely pointed out, this is just her being a teenager. She's not depressed or likely even being deliberately naughty.

Offer to send her home - point out she might be better in her own bed if that unwell. Eat out while out alone so you aren't creating dishes. Might as well make the most of it and it's cheaper if you're only paying for 1. I know it's disappointing when expecting to do things together but there can be much enjoyment had from solo travel so I'd make the most of it

Wow thanks for all the comments and suggestions. An update - we are moving on to the next city today. I have told her that I expect her to engage but if not I am just doing what I want. She has been v apologetic so will see if things change at the new location. Where there is WiFi of course!!

I think this will be our last holiday together for some time but I'm glad I tried. She did really want to do this.

FYI it is half term, she is done all IB exams so not studying for a levels and is 18 in a few weeks hence describing her as 17 and then 18. Hope that helps to clarify things.

I wouldn't bother getting any groceries in apart from the bare essentials so if she wants to eat she can sort it herself.

Are you in an apartment at the next place? Could you get in first and sabotage the wifi/hide the password 😂

Send her home on her own and go on to the next city by yourself.

Yes. I’d be bloody angry and I’d tell her exactly why. Then I’d do exactly what I wanted.

Phone addiction.

Sounds to me as though there’s a boyfriend she’s chatting to online.

I went on holiday once with a friend who didn’t want to spend any money when we got there. She spent all day lying in bed, watching television. I gave up, went out and did my own thing. In your position I’d do the same.

Absolutely gutting for you OP!
I'm glad she's apologised and I hope last bit of your holiday is fun and not tainted by what would be my extreme irritation with her!

This.

I’ve got to say I was pretty selfish as a 17 year old (not this bad) and I didn’t see my parents as people just there for me as bad as that sounds. I think talking calmly is the way to go. Good luck.

If not too expensive I'd send her back to stay with her friends.

Or put her in a cheaper hotel in the next city & meeting up to travel home.

I certainly wouldn't be losing out on the next city & nice hotel.

All this but she's a teen crap.

Rightly or wrongly I'd have been told to get my ungrateful arse out of the room & stop with the moods.

I agree with this. I think this generation has had a lot to deal with and many are suffering in silence.

I agree with this. She's being a selfish ungrateful arse and I'd be making sure she knew that.
So many people making excuses such as she's a teen, so what? That's akin to saying boys will be boys.

Great input.

You do know it's a 'mobile' phone though, right?

She's a selfish little cow.
You've paid for her to go on a nice trip and you're also waiting on her hand and foot?
Have you always spoiled her?

It is gutting and rude but I remember clearly planning fun for after exams every year from age 17 to 21 and every year after exams I just flaked out exhausted got ill. It’s a post adrenaline thing.
i Think I would insist she comes out with you daily for a wee bit fresh air but let her head back for an afternoon chill/nap and do other things alone.

No matter WHAT is going on with her, there is no excuse for treating her mother with such a lack of regard and even contempt (e.g not doing the dishes). Is there any point at which some people will call their children (adult children!) out on their behaviour or do we have to be endlessly understanding? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Someone can be down, have a lot going on, be depressed etc. AND be an asshole/act like an asshole, the two are not mutually exclusive.

I went on holiday with my mum at 18. The day we arrived a huge teen angst drama kicked off at home involving my BF and friendship group. I spent the greater part of that holiday in phone boxes (1980s) barely spoke to my mum as I was so preoccupied with the (something and nothing) events at home. At that age its really hard to keep perspective and separate yourself, so perhaps that's it?
I think you probably need to count her out tbh. You can force participation, but not enthusiasm and buy in, so you will probably have a better time deciding to do things alone or go home if you don't want to do that. Unfortunately you need to let go of the holiday you wanted and do the best you can with the one you have.

@Waferbiscuit this is the weirdest thread!

You’ve said that you are close to your daughter and that this is out of character for her.
You also said she’s been ill and is exhausted.

Yes it’s disappointing but all these posters going on about how they would be fuming… she’s not been well and isn’t in the mood! That doesn't make her ‘selfish’ or ‘disgusting’ or have a phone addiction or any of the other ridiculous suggestions going on here.

Yes she might not be taking any more cold and flu tablets but it can take ages to get over a virus. Give her some slack and go and enjoy your holiday!

As someone else said, I'd offer her a flight home and enjoy the rest of the holiday on your own- I know it's lonely but it's got to be better than having her hang around being a little rain cloud of doom.